0

ten minutes

Cottage living, nothing beats it.  Every summer with Kim and her family, the sites, the sounds and smells are so familiar to me now I can’t imagine a life without them.

On Saturday’s boat ride, coming back from Jeff’s friends cottage where Kim, Meaghan and I had no luck at fishing, Mya, (Kims daughter) sat in my lap for about ten minutes (which never happens – she is a mama’s girl at heart).

Her blond curls were tickling my nose from the cold wind and she was wrapped up tight in a towel around her puffy blue life jacket.  Her head was resting against my chest and I was wondering if she would fall asleep again as she always falls asleep on boat rides! She was telling me stories and pointing at all of the Canadian flags as we sped by.  I gently pressed my lips against her head and closed my eyes for just a moment and imagined when my own sweet boy or girl would be placed in my lap enjoying their new life in Canada at the cottage.  It will be then that the sites and sounds and smells will change – everything will be seen through new eyes – through the eyes of my child.

Mya is around the age my own child will be so having her be so willing to spend her time with me just makes me feel like a kid in a candy store!  I smile a bit brighter and the sadness and aching of not having my own child eases a little, knowing I will have a future as a mother and am right now getting to build my relationships with my extended family and their children.

For the rest of this week, I will hold tightly to the memory of those sweet curls blowing across my face and the warmth her tiny little soul provided me – even if it was only for ten minutes.

Love

Nicole

2

Reality is setting in

Last week I got the email/call I have waited for.  I have waited a year – over a year for this news…

It’s probably not as exciting as you think…

I am officially in IBESR – which is the governing body in Haiti (like our social services) that handles all adoptions.  I have a file number!!!  This means that Haiti officially knows I exist!

I am still months and months away from referral (possible a year or more), but I am an optimist, not a realist so I constantly refresh my email thinking who knows – maybe I’ll be special, maybe I’ll get lucky and my referral for a match will come quicker than anyone else.  In the back of my head and in my heart – I know this is not the case.  I know I most likely will be sitting here a year from now blogging to you, my faithful followers, complaining about how I have waited over a year for a referral and that my faith is crumbling, but right now – so early in the process – my faith is high.

I do not know who this sweet little child is yet.  I don’t know if they are a boy or a girl. I don’t know their age or personality or family history – but I know they are there.  I know MY child is in Haiti and that they are eagerly waiting for me too.

Now I just need to stay calm.  I need to control my excitement.  I need to breathe.  I need to prepare – financially, emotionally, physically etc etc etc.

I also need to have the best summer that keeps me busy and makes me have these amazing memories to look back on because the wait may just kill me.

Please say a prayer for me and my family.

Love

Nicole

 

1

Dinner conversations

This past Saturday I was treated to my favourite dinner – All You Can Eat Sushi – by the lovely Alex.  She drove up from downtown to the dreaded Durham Region where she thinks the dragons will attack her as soon as she crosses the Port Union boundary – she’s crazy, we feed our dragons Trump supporters…

Anyway, we had an amazing meal and  great conversation that really got me thinking.  We were talking about things we KNOW we want in our life.  Her biggest one was a husband, and to travel the world.  Now for those of you who may know my little Yoga loving hippie, this was not a shock at all.  (4 years ago I would have been shocked, but she met a sweet man who changed her view points on this and I totally get it!).  For me, the answer wasn’t so simple.  I started thinking about things people in general know they want in life and my answers were not so concrete.

A man (life partner)

This one is tricky – ask me ten years ago, I wanted to be a housewife, taking care of my imaginary husband, the house, the kids the whole nine yards.  I believed fully in passionate, romantic love.  But that was an un-realistic point of view.  I’ve been told this a million times over by friends and family members who roll their eyes as I watch another Nicholas Sparks movie.  But, I don’t know if I believe in any of that anymore.  I don’t feel like I will be fulfilled without this kind of love, so I am just kind of floating along the dating trail waiting to see.  I’d like a partner, sure.  But I have been single for so long, and screwed over so often that at the end of the day – this isn’t my “dream future”.

Child(ren)

This is my only focus.  All that I have, all that I am, is going into being a mom.  It’s the one constant throughout my life that hasn’t wavered (okay well 30 years ago I wanted 10 kids and the number has slowly decreased from there).  Having a child, being a mother, is the one thing I will sacrifice everything else for.  It’s not a want, it’s a need that has roots so deep in my heart I think I would rather die than live childless.

The perfect job

I like my job; I don’t love it usually though some days I do.  There are things I would rather be doing, but this job has set me up for success and stability in life and I crave stability – hence why having a man in my world is not a priority.

Travel

I’d travel most places in this large world of ours, but I will only ever plan or desire to travel to the USA and the Caribbean *and Mexico*.  When I am on vacation I like to relax and lie by a pool/ocean.  If someone else wanted me to go to say Belarus (cough Alex cough) I’d go, but I wouldn’t plan it.  Again, once I am able to be a mother, my idea of vacations will change.

A roof over my head

I love my house.  I picked it and decorated it for me.  It was nice being single at this time because it was all about me in a world where it so seldom is.  I don’t ever see me selling this home, I have great neighbours, a close drive to everything and everyone I love and it’s affordable (thank you job).

Maybe I do know what I want.  Maybe I am afraid to admit those things that I don’t want or aren’t willing to settle for because they aren’t the norm.  People are uneasy when a woman of a certain age are single still…maybe I just have to accept my lot in life because of my wants.  I don’t know…time will tell I guess.  For now, this lady is a single, trying to adopt, caseworker who has a few Caribbean vacations planned in the next few years!

Love me or hate me…but that’s what it is!

 

0

Prioritize

index

This is my #onelittleword for 2017 .  Sometimes I am so bored I have days or weeks where I have nothing to do.  Sometimes I am so busy that things (and people) get ignored.  A lot of times that person is me.  My priorities get out of whack a lot because in general I am a people pleaser.  I want everyone to be happy and I do what I can to make that happen.

After having lunch with one of my oldest friends (as in I have known her longest, not as in actual age) and bouncing a few words off her and sending out requests to Facebook friends, I have chosen the word Prioritize.  I need to prioritize “me” time.  I need to prioritize my money for the adoption.  I need to prioritize time spent with my friends and god-children because they all mean the world to me and keep my head above water. I need to prioritize time for my house because it too needs attention. My niece also needs attention, she is struggling with reality and I want to help her and take care of her when she lets me.  I also want to make time for one of my favourite people in the world – my aunt – who also has a lot of life changes this upcoming year and whose love I feel constantly.

I could just sit back and say “screw it all, let the chips fall where they may” but I know from years past that what gets neglected is my house and me and I don’t want that to happen in 2017.

I need to make time for my creative outlet – scrapbooking.  I usually end up panicking and doing a ton at the Crop and Create events I attend but then I don’t get to enjoy my friends there as much as I would like to, so up first on my list – finish my December Daily and finish Project Life 2016 by the end of next week.  I also want to make time to take Julia out to Walmart to replace her Christmas gift. I may see if she is free this Saturday.  I can take her to Walmart and then come by for an hour to play with her and her sister.  This will make me happy.  Yes, I think I am going to go text her dad right now!  I will make her my priority this weekend.  Also, I am being spoiled by the same lovely friend as mentioned above and she is making the trek into Durham to take me out for my birthday dinner!!!  WOOHOO

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.
Stephen R. Covey

What would your #onelittleword be??

 

3

40 thoughts while dating 

I went on a first date last night, the first in a long time!  Here are some of my favourite thoughts throughout the evening. 

  1. Why did I get bangs, these things looks ridiculous. 
  2. My make-up is making me look like a Clown. Why is my face so red. Foundation!!!!
  3. Okay I look so cute. Ryan is gonna fall in love with me! 
  4. Shit what is on my blouse!? Water…thank you Jesus. 
  5. Okay it’s 5:00, time to go. I’m gonna puke. Hold on. Okay no I’m not. 
  6. ‘Oh the weather outside is frightful’
  7. I’m here…is he here?  Is that him?  No he’s like 15. I’m going inside. 
  8. Holy fuck is that him! I’m going home…(I saw a guy with super tight jeans and fluorescent shoes…it wasn’t him)
  9. He’s late…what if he doesn’t show up?  Am I being ditched!!! First date in years and he isn’t coming!!!!
  10. Oh no he’s just five minutes behind. Okay phew!  
  11. Damn okay he’s cute! Eeeeee! 
  12. I hope I don’t kill myself bowling
  13. Why are my fingers so fat!?  This damn ball is gonna get stuck and I will die of embarrassment! 
  14. Is he staring at my ass?  What choice does he have – why are we bowling!?!?  
  15. Okay I threw a gutter ball – kill me now. 
  16. Oh he didn’t bowl any better – I might be okay
  17. Help! What do I say, he’s nice and friendly and I’m freaking out cause I can’t think of something to say!
  18. High five he got a strike – we are talking thank you god. We are okay. 
  19. He won!  Didn’t even let me win!?  Good…I’d be so pissed if he let me win
  20. I got a strike! Woohoo took a game and a half but I finally got a strike. 
  21. He beat me again!!  I hope he wants to play another game!
  22. Game three woohoo!!  Maybe he’s having a good time!?  I am!  Conversation is flowing and I’m smiling. This is a good night. 
  23. He beat me again!  Ass. 
  24. Date isn’t over – we are having drinks!  Yes!!! 
  25. I can’t stop smiling!! 
  26. Do I smell?  He’s sitting so close to me but I was hot while bowling!?  God please don’t let me be smelly. 
  27. He wants to go somewhere else to watch the game!  Yes sir!!
  28. Why can’t I text and drive. My girls will want to know how this date is going!! Especially since it’s going well!! 
  29. I want wings…can I eat wings on a date
  30. Fuck it I’m not that fancy I’m getting wings. 
  31. So is he! Yes match made in heaven!!
  32. It’s loud in here. Not good. I can’t hear him. 
  33. Oh I can get closer to him this way cause we need to be close to hear each other
  34. TFC is going to lose this game. Dammit
  35. Let me put my arm through his. See if he responds. 
  36. This feels nice. 
  37. I have soft skin?  Is he nuts – it’s so dry. I hate winter. 
  38. Is he gonna kiss me tonight?  I hope he kisses me. This has been fun. 
  39. He kissed me!!! Yes!  
  40. See ya later alligator.  There will be a second date!  Dating is fun!!

Love Nicole 

0

Black Friday Finale

This year was my last year of driving into Grove City for Black Friday shopping.  The dollar just doesn’t make it worth it anymore and I have zero desire to spend all my hard earned money in a Trump-run America! This year was very different then past years.  I started this tradition going with my boyfriend at the time.  Alvin and I would shop for hours on end until he was literally dragging me back to the car – me a little delirious.  After we broke up, I went with my sister-in-law Tammy and my best friend Kristi.  We also shopped until we literally dropped, laughing the whole time and having a great time!  After that Tammy and I went, just the two of us together having sister bonding time for the past 4 years.  This year, Tammy could not make it and I had the option of not going or going alone.  I am independent, I like my own company, so I packed the car and headed south to border!  I did the 48 hour trip (Thursday-Saturday) with just me, my camera and my wallet and I had an amazing time!  I did all the usual things in the usual order, just alone and I was completely okay with that!  This being my last year, I feel like I have perfected the art of the successful Black Friday trip and now that it is over, I am going to share all my tips with you!

  • ALWAYS BOOK YOU HOTEL MONTHS IN ADVANCE:

Hotels book up really quick for Black Friday, especially the ones within walking distance of the outlet.  I have always started looking around the end of February/beginning of March and I usually spend around $100-$120/night (remember this is America’s Thanksgiving, prices are inflated) at the Best Western that is right across the street from the outlet. I also always request a room close to an entrance.  You don’t want to be dragging all those bags and luggage’s up stairs or down long hallways. Save your strength, you will be exhausted by the time you finish shopping and will not want to carry all those bags any further than you already have.   You can risk booking later, but I have tried again in July/August to find nothing available.  The earlier you book the better – trust me!

  • PLAN EVERYTHING:

Because I know I am going to the outlet, I print off a directory and start highlighting stores I need to hit and stores I wouldn’t mind hitting up if I have time.  I also write out my Christmas list and start thinking about stores that will have what I need.  I go to the bank and get my American money (which is the heart breaking part) and put it in a separate wallet with my passport and shopping list.  I pack very lightly with layers because I don’t want to wear a heavy coat when the weather has never been THAT bad that I regretted not having that coat with me.  I check and double check everything because I would hate to be in the States missing something. I also make sure to get the addresses for everywhere I plan on going and writing them down.  I have a GPS and my phone GPS as back up – getting lost is NOT an option.

  • AGREE WITH YOUR TRAVELING PARTNER WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE

Thankfully my sister-in-law is a good follower.  She kind of lets me lead and goes where I go and does what I want to do.  I drive which makes it easy for me!   I can’t imagine if I went with someone who wanted to go somewhere totally off plan that I did not want to go to and did not want to drive to.  There isn’t that much around Grove City, so adding on the cost of gas to go somewhere off plan would drive me (personally) nuts.  The more flexible you are, the better!

  • LEAVE EARLY

I always leave the city by 9:30 at the latest.  I get gas the night before and head out on the planned route.  I always stop by Tim Hortons and grab a tea by my house and I stop in Niagara (usually around 11:30 at this point) to grab lunch (Wendy’s- junior cheeseburger) and a bathroom break.  I make it to the border around noon and I have never had more than 5 cars in front of me thanks to leaving at the right time!  I stop again in Angola NY on the hwy I-90 for another bathroom break and usually buy a bottle of water (yes this doesn’t help my bathroom breaks, but I get so dehydrated from driving so long). My next stop is my hotel in Grove City!  I arrive between 2:30-3:00 with enough time to prepare, nap and watch some TV!  The outlets opened at 6:00 pm this year – I went at 5:30 and sat in my car because I wanted a good parking spot so I would be able to dump my bags (see next bullet) without walking so far.

  • BRING A LARGE SUITCASE LADIES

Who wants to be stuck carrying bags (especially me who buys a lot)?  I bring a large empty suitcase that has wheels and when I buy something I put the bag in the suitcase – VOILA! No bags to carry.  I just roll my suitcase around, making sure to not run into anyone.  After I have a full suitcase I go to my car and empty the bags into the trunk and start all over again.  Once I have finished half the outlet, I drive to a different spot and continue my routine.

  • EAT AND DRINK

I always start off at the food court.  I eat an Arbys roast beef sandwich with a pop to drink to give me a sugar/carb boost.  I also buy a bottle of water to carry around because Lord knows I will get thirsty shopping.

  • TAKE YOUR TIME

Don’t rush.  I don’t go to the box stores because the idea of rushing and pushing and fighting isn’t appealing.  I have never seen this happen at the outlets.  People stroll.  They walk in and out of stores, they are polite even, holding doors, stepping aside for people to pass, and I try and lead by example.  I am patient.  This is not a time to be inpatient.  If you are, you will work yourself up and be stressed.  You have planned and prepared, don’t ruin it now.

  • GET A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP

I shop from 6:00 until about 10:00-10:30.  I am back to my hotel by 11:00 and asleep shortly afterwards.  You have another full day of driving and shopping ahead of you – why stay up when you really don’t need to.

  • TAKE INVENTORY OF WHAT YOU HAVE BOUGHT

When I get back to my hotel, I empty my bags, collect all the receipts and put everything I have bought into piles, one pile for each person I have shopped for and one pile of things I have bought myself.  The things I have bought myself I pack into my suitcase and everything else I write down.  I check off that list I packed and see if there is anything else I NEED to buy.  My goal is to always my needs completed the first night so the next day can be the fun stuff, the one-offs.

The next day you are going to start all over again, but by following the above points, you should have an ideal second day of shopping.  Take your time, have a plan, make sure to eat and drink enough to keep your energy up.  Black Friday shopping can be an adventure – it can be fun!  You can find some great deals IF you are prepared and take your time.

Anything else you want to know?  Send me your questions, I will answer each one!

It was a great decade of Christmas shopping, now I will have to do it in Canada – most likely online – I hate malls!

Enjoy my dears!

Love Nicole

 

 

2

Gilmore Girls revival

***Spoilers ahead***

 

Normally I would not review a TV show on this blog, that isn’t it’s purpose.  I created this blog to document my journey to motherhood and life with my little Koko.  However, as this journey has stalled and I will be waiting a while until anything happens I decided I needed to write about something mind-numbing, something fluffy, an opinion piece of sorts, so here I go.

Back in the spring of 2016, my girlfriend Alex and I decided that since Gilmore Girls was going to be bringing back the show for four episodes in November of 2016, we would re-watch the entire original series and then watch the new episodes together.

I had watched this series from beginning to end twice prior.  Once originally as they played on TV and once in 2010 when my ex and I were in the long process of breaking up and I needed to keep my mind occupied knowing disaster for us was looming.  Watching this series again, 6 years later was great!  I enjoyed every episode and couldn’t wait for the new episodes to finally play.  I had been #teamjess the entire series and Alex was #teamlogan.  Which one of us would see Rory with our chosen guy in the end?  We had high hopes!  We were both OGGF (original Gilmore Girl fans).  We didn’t just start watching, getting caught up in the hoopla – we WERE the hoopla!

Yesterday, Sunday November 27th, we got out the junk food and sat back for what was sure to be an amazing 6 hours of GG!

Except it wasn’t.  We watched episode 1 and we were bored.  Nothing happened.  We were reunited with a bunch of our favourite characters which was great, but we found out things that didn’t match with our feelings of what would have happened:

  1. Sookie left for six months to do some food thing or another (I can’t even remember because it was so boring) but she ended up being gone 2 years.  Sookie co-owns the inn.  I cannot believe for a second that she would uproot her three children to be gone for two years!  Her whole life was in Stars Hollow and for her to be gone for so long just seems ridiculous.
  2. Rory has a boyfriend Paul whom she has been dating for two years, but who is forgettable – literally.  Luke and Lorelei never remember having met him or any conversations they have had with him and Rory keeps forgetting that he is around and dates they have together!  Rory is also having an affair – with LOGAN *dammit Alexandra!*  Now we all know Rory has no problem having sex with another woman’s man – she did sleep with Dean when he was married to Lyndsey and she kissed Jess when she was dating Logan, but she is allowing the affair to continue fully knowing that Logan will not leave his fiancee for her.  It’s weird.  This relationship plays out through all four episodes (a full year) and seems so ridiculous. Don’t even get me started on the one night stand she has with a wookie in episode 2!
  3. Rory is unemployed.  She is in talks to write a book (biography) about some crazy drunk lady, but other than that she has no place to live, no regular paycheck!  When season 7 ended in 2008, Rory left to go write on the political campaign trail for BARACK OBAMA!  Remember that guy who became president of the United States of America??!!  It was never even mentioned – not once!  That became such a huge deal for original fans of the show because we know now that she would have had amazing experiences writing for the first black president!  For the writers to ignore that was a huge misstep.

We agreed that while episode one was boring, episode two would surely be better as all the main players had been re-introduced!

We were wrong again.  It was more of the same.  I guess we had high hopes.  We wanted these to be mini movies – full of drama or action or something!  But they were like regular, long boring TV episodes.  At this point we were extremely disappointed!  We had waited eight years – devoted months to re-watching the originals play out and the first three hours sucked!  Disappointment rang through her apartment as we ate our cookies, reese’s pieces and skittles.  Ordering a pizza would have to help right!?  I mean Rory and Lorelei ate a million pieces of pizza over the seven seasons together – we ordered Pizza Pizza and sat back to ENJOY episode three – summer.  This had to be good – it’s my favourite season after all!

It was better.  There was a better story line and the characters were stronger and things seemed to be happening!  However, Rory and Lorelei spent a lot of time at this pool that Stars Hollow never had before and there was a really weird, awkward musical moment that ran on about five minutes to long!  It was very artsy. Very flowery. It was fine though.  I accepted it because I was glad the story line was starting to get good – of course with only one season left they didn’t allow themselves much time to wrap up this good story line. Emotions were coming out – relationships were building – but where was Sookie?  Where was Dean, we were promised Dean!  Of course I was thrilled because Jess was back and he was supporting and encouraging Rory despite her stress!  I love Jess…he’s so damn handsome – can we go back to that??!!

No, okay lets move on.

We excitedly started episode 4 – FALL.  This was it – 4.5 hours in and we weren’t happy – would we be by the end of this episode?

We felt okay.  Why?  Because it left room for Rory to have a spin off show OR for more revival episodes. Luke and Lorelei FINALLY tied the knot and Rory FINALLY became a writer – not a journalist, but a real writer.  She wrote – Gilmore Girls, the story of her life and her moms life.  Great idea – Jess gave it to her which makes it even better!  In the end, the original writer ended it the way she would have ended the series all those years ago if she had been given the chance:

Rory: Mom

Lorelei: ya

Rory: I’m pregnant

Lorelei: shocked expression – cue the credits!

That’s it!  It’s over.  Who’s the daddy?  Logan (Alex hopes), Paul (the weird random boyfriend who dumped her via text in the final episode and you only saw once) or the Wookie (who she had a one night stand with in Spring – actually that’s impossible cause she would be very pregnant by the end of fall). So it’s Logan’s or Paul’s.  Huh.  Kind of uninteresting since there are no current plans for a spin-off or revival.

Four episode, 6 hours, 18200 calories later and Alex and I were left feeling empty, devoid of any real feeling.  We didn’t hate it, we just didn’t love it.  I teared up once in the final episode where Lorelei reflects on her favourite memory of her father on the phone to Emily and it was dramatic and really pulled on my heart strings, missing my own father so much.

So that’s it.  I’m not happy.  I’m not fulfilled.  I don’t feel like waiting 8 years for these four episodes was really worth it.  I want more.  I wanted more depth, more relationships, more power and strength and I just didn’t get it.

What did you think?  Let me know…

I’m going back to writing about babies…

Love Nicole