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Gotta quit the bad habits

In April, I went to Las Vegas with my mom and my aunt and I promised them and myself that before I left the city of lights I would quit smoking.  At the Las Vegas airport I dumped half a pack of cigarettes in the garbage and didn’t look back – until July 21st when my dad passed away and I walked out of that hospital in my brothers arms and asked for a cigarette – we always go back to what we know will provide any kind of relief. I have never smoked so much since that date then I have in my entire life.

However now, now I need to prepare my body and mind and for me, that means quitting smoking again.  Usually this isn’t a problem, but my brain has used the smoking as a crutch and that crutch has been leaned on regularly.  I am cutting down for sure – down to five or six a day which may seem like a lot but I am embarrassed to say how many I was smoking prior to this week. 

My baby needs a healthy body to grow and develop and I know this and while I still have at least 6-8 weeks before any kind of insemination will take place, that only gives me a few weeks to quit completely.  That has me a bit nervous.

I also need to cut back on the sugar, my sugar intake is so high and while again, prior to my dads passing, I had been on a good role, I need to get back into it.  I am determined to make my body a safe place for my future child.  I know women who smoke while pregnant and who eat crap while pregnant and they have beautiful, healthy babies, but I really want to make sure I am giving my child the best chance.

Wish me luck!  Did you give up anything to be pregnant??

Love

Nicole

4

So finally we are here

Today is August 28th, I haven’t written anything for this blog since July 11th!  Why you may ask?  My father passed away July 21st.  My world crashed and even though my conviction to be a mom never wavered, not once, I was sad and empty – honestly I still am.  But I am getting there.

I called the clinic and have booked my appointments for cycle monitoring.  They will test my fertility, make sure all is good down in my lady parts before I spend thousands of dollars making dreams come true.  I am starting to feel excitement again.  I haven’t been excited for anything since I lost my father.  I felt happy (seeing my friends kids and hanging out with my girlfriends) but not excited. 

I rescued the sweetest dog named Simba a few weeks ago, yet I still wasn’t excited about it – happy for sure…he makes me smile, but my heart is no longer whole and that is so sad. 

Depending on my emotions I may postpone any insemination another month, I want my ovaries to be happy ovaries and ready for some sperm!  I want to be healthy, I want to be taking my pre-natal vitamins which I have but have not taken, I want to be in a good head space where all of my decisions are based on me and what I want, not what I am missing.

Lying in bed, petting Simba, crying isn’t a good place for my baby.  I need to be a bit stronger.  I am seeing a therapist now – started last week.  I am hoping with her guidance I can slowly embrace my life again. 

For those of you who may be interested in my past, please see my old blog www.nikilee30.wordpress.com which in a nutshell is the last three years of my life summed up in just over 300 blogs.  For now, stay tuned and share with me my journey.

Love

Nicole

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Last one from the past

Again, I wasn’t going to post this – things have changed, my friend is hurting.  My heart is broken for her, for her family and for the baby that wasn’t.  However, she is strong and determined to move on and try again.  So because of that, I will post this. 

XOXO

July 11th, 2013 

Friends having babies 

I was fortunate enough to find out yesterday that one of my favorite people in the world is pregnant!  Newly pregnant and because of that I will not name names for her privacy and that of her family – but I am so excited for her!!! 

She has been an amazing inspiration to me the last year or two and I am grateful to have her not only in my life, but in the life of my future child.  She is an inspirational mom already and she is someone whom I look forward to learning from. 

Yes I believe every woman can learn from other women how to (and how not to) parent.  Her kids, while crazy at times – whose aren’t – are happy, healthy children and I think the greatest joy a mother or parent can know is knowing their children are happy and healthy.  So for her to be pregnant again is a blessing to her, to her husband, to her children and to the world, because her kids will change the world as we see it.  I know it! 

So many of my friends have kids and so many of them have qualities I look at when thinking of how I want to mother my children.  I am blessed to have Erin, an ECE nanny who specializes in sleep training because if there is any room for improvement from the moms I know – it’s in sleep training.  Now while I agree every parent has to do what’s best for them, I know having my child sleep in bed with me (or me in their bed) is nothing I want to be a part of.  It may happen, I can’t say it won’t – I don’t know – but I will do everything in my power to not have it happen and Erin is going to do wonders for me and my little KoKo bean whenever he/she graces me with their presence.    

I bet you can’t wait for me to admit defeat and bring KoKo bean into bed with me no??  Who knows, it may happen!  I will be the first one to hang my head and apologize when it does – trust me; I have a great sense of humility. 

Love Nicole

0

Getting closer…

I was not going to post this writing.  I was going to erase it because it is not as relevant as it was at the time.  At the time I was caught up in the romance, in the story.  However a lot has changed since July and while the man in this piece is still in my life, he is moving away soon and no longer will play a part in it.  However, I want you my readers to get the real me, to get the me that I was in July when I wrote this piece…

July 8th 

Dating and Babies  

A few weeks ago I reconnected with an old friend – it has gotten romantic, at times, but for the most part we are keeping things fairly simple.  You see he is a father, he is an inspiring artist/photographer whose sole (soul) focus is improving his life for his daughter and he is not interested in a relationship at this point in his life.  

You may be thinking, Nicole back away – run if you have to.  But you see, I want a child of my own.  I want a baby so badly my heart breaks when I think of not having one.  This could be win-win.  I could enjoy my spare time with the artist and still be able to focus on the Artificial Insemination (AI) and my health.  

So I’m not running away.  I find him incredibly sexy in every way, his mind, body and soul, but I am keeping him at a distance in order to be careful that my heart stays strong and focused.  

He may run away screaming when he finds out my plan – who knows.  I hope not.  I hope he supports me and encourages me, but truth is, I don’t know him well enough to really know how he will react. 

Either way – it’s me time.  Time for me to do what I know in my heart and my head what is right! 

Love

Nicole

1

Starting from the beginning…welcome

Welcome everyone who is reading this blog. I am truly fortunate to have you all in my world.  I started actually writing for this blog months ago.  I will post all of my writing now.  For you to read what has been going through my head from the beginning of this journey – my journey to be a mom.

June 21st, 2013 

I must have gone crazy right? 

The internet definition of a family is as follows: Noun – A group consisting of parents and children living together in a household 

Right now, as of June 21st, for me, that household consists of my father, Edward and me, Nicole.  I’m a 32-year-old female who has a great job that I love, friends whom I cherish more each day and an extended family that makes me laugh on a regular basis.  In a nutshell, I am blessed. 

I have some people missing from my life though – people whose absence I feel daily. I’m missing a husband and the pitter-patter of little feet.  Now don’t get me wrong or feel too sorry for me, I have been fortunate to have some great boyfriends in my past.  Men who loved me and whom I loved.  Men who were great role-models and who would have made wonderful husbands and fathers had the timing been right.  But it wasn’t, the timing and the situations were wrong and my relationships ended.  I can’t do anything about that.  I have dated and will continue to date in the search of someone who makes my heart skip a beat again, but I can’t just make them appear.  I can’t wish someone out of thin air (though seriously how amazing would that be?).  So what does that mean?  Does that mean I don’t get children?  I don’t get to be pregnant, to be a mother, to experience a baby inside of me and raise that child through the good times and bad?  That doesn’t really seem fair.  Does it?  

Well, I didn’t think so.  About 8 months ago I started thinking about the possibility of being a single mother – by choice.  Of using sperm donation (Artificial Insemination) to become a mom.  My first thought wasn’t what people would think, I really couldn’t care less what absolute strangers think of me.  My concern was, do children suffer in any way from not having a father?  My second concern was what my father would say and do?  I’ve spent the past three years taking care of him, it being just the two of us.  I have given up the “hard-core” dating scene of clubbing and bar hopping (willingly) in order to make both our lives easier.  But would I have to give up my dreams of being a mommy in order to keep him happy?  I was not concerned financially – I am debt free, make good money and while I spend it foolishly, I can be responsible when I need to be – when I want to be.  I certainly wasn’t worried about what being a mom would do to my dating life, if a man can’t handle a child in his life, he can’t handle me.  The good thing would be that any future man in my life wouldn’t have a biological father to deal with.  He would be the only father-figure my child would have. 

So I started thinking more and more.  I went to my doctor first.  Because I take Ciprolex for anxiety I was concerned for the baby’s health.  I was referred to Mothers Risk at Sick Kids Hospital and the doctor there reassured me that not only could I have a perfectly healthy child, but that the chance of birth defects for babies whose moms are on Ciprolex do not rise at all.  This made me happy!  Very, very happy. 
Next I wanted to do my research, I spent a lot of time on Google (it really is your best friend when you need answers).  I found an amazing website www.singlemothersbychoice.org.  I bought a book, written by the founder of this organization, Jane Mattes and read it in about three days. I bought What to Expect when Expecting and am going through the first few chapters now.  I was becoming more and more confidant in my decision.  

I talked to my girlfriends – the closest of them being my sister-in-law Tammy and my girlfriends Kris, Agnes, Kim, Erin, Nancy and Rochelle.  I talked to a few other friends too and the overwhelming response was positive.  They had questions and I gave them answers.  Some friends urged me to wait, that my man could be around the corner and not want to deal with a pregnant woman; they didn’t understand that would not be a reason for me giving up this chance. 

I went to my doctor again and that is when I got hit with my only speed bump (or a brick wall if I am describing the feeling).  She, as a Jewish doctor, did not believe it was acceptable or responsible for a single woman to choose to get pregnant through AI and have children. 
WHAT?? 

HUH? 

DID I HEAR YOU RIGHT? 

I know, when I talked to my girlfriends, they wanted and encouraged me to go to the Physicians board of Ontario and demand her license be revoked.  I agreed that she had NO right to have her personal opinion affect my life, but really – what would that do?  I’d still be without support from a practitioner and the fertility clinic I wanted to attend required a referral.  

At this point, I didn’t give up, I couldn’t.  I have felt this was the right decision for me for a long time.  I continued my research, even having lunch with a 22-year old woman whose mother conceived her through AI.  She is a delightful, smart, beautiful girl who seems to have no issues with her mom being a SMC.  In fact the way she put it to me was like this: 

“I don’t have a dad, some of my friends don’t have dads, the difference is, I was never abandoned.  My mom wanted me so badly she did everything in her power to get me.  I don’t have the issues my friends do with feeling like I wasn’t good enough for the second parent to stick around.” 

What a great kid right?  She made me more determined than ever.  I contacted the fertility clinic right away and the lady there advised me any physician could do the referral and I could go to a walk-in.  I immediately thought of Rochelle, who when not on maternity leave, works at a walk-in clinic and always talks highly of her doctors.  She contacted her doctor, I got an appointment and three weeks later I had a signed referral letter faxed to the clinic! 

Now I had to tell my dad. 

**insert Jaws theme song here** 

One Friday I pulled on my big girl pants and came out and told my dad what I wanted, why I wanted it and exactly what my plan was.  After talking I prepared for the worst. I had all my comeback lines ready.  Instead I saw a grown man humble himself, he had tears in his eyes and a smile so big I was speechless for a second (I’m never really speechless, nothing actually shocks me).  My father, the most traditional man I know, was happy – ecstatic actually.  I had given him a new reason to live.  He started making plans with me!  He fully supported me.  Being his only daughter and the one who had done everything for him for the past three years, I wasn’t actually surprised.  We have a bond.  A bond that is unbreakable.  I love my father more than words can express and his supporting my untraditional approach to motherhood is heart-warming.  

I know my decision is not going to be popular amongst strangers, and not even amongst all of my friends and co-workers.  However those who love me most love me and support me, know that I am making the right decision for me and the right decision for any baby that I am fortunate enough to deliver. 

Please join me, join me in the ups and the downs.  The highs will be extremely high, the lows I am sure will be painful, but through it all, I will document this journey, for me, for you, for single mothers by choice and for my child.  The child that I will pray God brings into my life as soon as possible. 

Love

Nicole