So finally we are here

Today is August 28th, I haven’t written anything for this blog since July 11th!  Why you may ask?  My father passed away July 21st.  My world crashed and even though my conviction to be a mom never wavered, not once, I was sad and empty – honestly I still am.  But I am getting there.

I called the clinic and have booked my appointments for cycle monitoring.  They will test my fertility, make sure all is good down in my lady parts before I spend thousands of dollars making dreams come true.  I am starting to feel excitement again.  I haven’t been excited for anything since I lost my father.  I felt happy (seeing my friends kids and hanging out with my girlfriends) but not excited. 

I rescued the sweetest dog named Simba a few weeks ago, yet I still wasn’t excited about it – happy for sure…he makes me smile, but my heart is no longer whole and that is so sad. 

Depending on my emotions I may postpone any insemination another month, I want my ovaries to be happy ovaries and ready for some sperm!  I want to be healthy, I want to be taking my pre-natal vitamins which I have but have not taken, I want to be in a good head space where all of my decisions are based on me and what I want, not what I am missing.

Lying in bed, petting Simba, crying isn’t a good place for my baby.  I need to be a bit stronger.  I am seeing a therapist now – started last week.  I am hoping with her guidance I can slowly embrace my life again. 

For those of you who may be interested in my past, please see my old blog www.nikilee30.wordpress.com which in a nutshell is the last three years of my life summed up in just over 300 blogs.  For now, stay tuned and share with me my journey.

Love

Nicole

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4 thoughts on “So finally we are here

  1. Love reading your blog…. love hearing some hope in your voice. No point telling you to stay strong because you already are SO strong. I will instead wish that you will always stay hopeful. Hopeful that life will take on meaning again… hopeful that your desire and longing to be a mom will be fulfilled… hopeful that you will always know that you have people who love you and are there for you to lean on when you need to… hopeful that when all else fails you can take a breath and feel the love and comfort that your dad is always sending you and finally… just hopeful because then anything is possible! Sending you love and hugs.
    Mom T

  2. It’s strange, but I feel like ever since my dad passed away I can never be conpletely happy. The good news is that with time passing you focus less and less on this reality, but it still remains.

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