All I want, all I have wanted since my dad passed away in July is for me to dream of him. I need to see this man again. I need to hug him and hold him in my arms and tell him I love him. I need to tell him how much he is missed, how my oldest niece is not coping with his passing, how all this baby business is going. But no, it hasn’t happened for me yet. Instead I have stupid dreams, dreams that are scary or make no sense or make me roll my eyes when I wake up.
Last night was no exception. I was so excited to have finally chose a donor for my little Koko bean that I had a dream my clinic called to say that the donor sperm had been further tested and had an 18th chromosome and therefore was deemed not usable. What the fuck is an 18th chromosome?? I don’t even know what this means or how it would ever affect me having a child. Clearly my brain is messed up, it’s creating unrealistic scenarios. I cried and cried in my dream because there was no other option for me and I was not able to completed the insemination.
I woke up at 12:30 am to Simba, my three-year-old Cocker Spaniel mix, licking my elbow, my pillow wet with tears. Now clearly I know that this dream is my subconscious fear that I won’t be able to conceive, that something will happen that will derail my dreams. I get it. I get that my dream is not reality. I also get that I need to start showering in the mornings because clearly my dog is licking me throughout the night and I am not aware of it.
I am nervous. I am not nervous about being pregnant or having a baby, I am nervous about not being pregnant, of not having a baby.
When I spoke with the Social Worker at the clinic I was advised that acupuncture can help relieve some pre-pregnancy stress. I am going to look further into it. I want to do everything I can to relax, to chill out and calm down before the insemination takes place!
Have any of you had acupuncture before? Tell me about it, give me advice! PLEASE!