I’m not all that excited for Halloween


As a little girl, my mother would make my older brother and I costumes, little devil outfits that fit over my snow suit, a boxed robot covered in tin foil for my brother.  Clearly my mother had her opinions of us, but since these were easy for her to make, we accepted it and happily went about getting our candy with our neighbourhood friends.  My father was always the one who would take us out, patiently waiting at the bottom of the driveway for us while we ran up screaming the typical   

Trick or Treat!!!!!

Every house on my street gave out candy except for the creepy guy who put his large, mean dogs out in the backyard as school was getting out and we littles had to pass  to get home.  Facing reality, I NEVER would have gone up to his door anyway and knocked, fearing he would have handed out poisoned apples, but still I felt this was incredibly rude to my four-year old self who was as cute as a button and really just wanted to show up my bright red devils horns along with my long devil tail.

Growing up, I don’t remember dressing up as much.  I cared more about parties and hanging with my friends rather than dressing up to get chocolate and candy.  After I stopped going out, we became that mean house on the street that didn’t had out candy – however the neighbourhood also started to change.  The kids I hung out with were too old to be cute trick or treaters and a lot of the new kids that moved into the neighbourhood didn’t celebrate Halloween and therefore rarely dressed up – sometimes donning a mask or a cape – but just wanting free candy.  We weren’t okay with that. 

I hear you're going as the total dickbag who doesn't dress up

Now as an adult, I hand out candy, to kids, who dress up, who say trick or treat.  If they meet these qualifications they get two or three candy’s.  If they don’t – in a bid not to get my house egged by the older asshole teenagers who think they are “oh so damn cool” – I give them one, and a dirty look.  Yep, I’m THAT girl.

Funny Halloween Ecard: May a flaming bag of feces not appear in your doorway this Mischief Night.

This year, with Simba, he will be dressed up and I bought a cute little Halloween apron that I will proudly wear while tossing candy(s) into the kids bags and buckets.  I am so excited to see what the popular costume is this year and I really hope that some get creative and I pray I don’t see the “Miley Cyrus” foam finger costume because I may not be able to control my annoyance. 

Here's to Miley Cyrus for somehow making all Halloween costumes prior to 2013 look shockingly unslutty.

When little Koko Bean comes, he or she will get dressed up every year – and from the time they are old enough to do so – they will Trick or Treat.  I will take pictures and I will do everything in my power to make this a fun, exciting time for them – because other than being a little devil, I don’t remember much about my past and that seems sad to me.

Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Pregnant. not so scary for me, but not yet true




I’m positive it was a negative

This whole month I have been sick and stressed with work and I was pretty sure when I was inseminated a couple of weeks ago that my body would be rejecting anything else foreign that tried to enter my body.  But I figured since I was ovulating I might as well try!

Well on Wednesday I got the news…I am not pregnant. 

I’ll that soak in…I AM NOT PREGNANT

I’m okay with it.  Truly I am.  I didn’t have preconceived notions that I was or that it would take the first try…in fact I am pretty sure some of my friends and some of my family are more disappointed than I am.  They were worried about me, which is so sweet, but really, surprisingly, I’m not upset or even that disappointed.  I never for one moment thought “hey I could be pregnant this month”  I was too sick.  I felt awful the entire week of my insemination.

  I think I am going to do this month completely confidentially.  That way there will be no disappointment – only pure happiness on my part and then on everyone’s part if I get to say to the world


However for now, I am not – and I am going to drink wine.  I am going to relax and enjoy my life the way it is because once pregnant I get to learn how to enjoy a whole new life but it will never be the way it is now – just me and Simba – so I am not going to cry about this, I am not going to stress or wish it was different.  That doesn’t change reality – my reality is tough, ever-changing and sometimes amazing, and it’s mine. 




The highs and lows of IUI

Over the past few months, the idea of having a baby, of being a single mother – by choice – has had numerous ups and downs.  I mean as far as the downs are concerned, it’s not like I ever regretted starting this process, or wished I hadn’t, but there are still some downs, the downs are simple…. 

Everything has to be done real early in the morning, ultrasounds, blood tests you name it, it’s done early.  I am not an early morning person – I am a 10:00 am-2:00 pm person.  That’s when I’m at my best – so these early mornings are killing me. 

It’s also crazy expensive to be doing this and sometimes I think (as my brother so eloquently put) “I should just go clubbing and f@#$ a random”.  Ya my older brother told me this…really!  But when you look at the costs of IUI’s, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea!  But then I remind myself STI’s are running rapidly through our society and the idea of bringing a strange man to my home, my father’s home, makes me sick.  So spend, spend, spend and don’t look back.

There have been many highs as well.  When Dr G. told me my tubes are “gorgeous” that felt great!  When she told me I am healthy and she has no concerns – that made my day!  Having acupuncture was an experience I actually enjoyed and can’t wait to do again!  Meeting the staff at First Steps who are ALL amazing and kind and have made me feel great about my decision has been a major highlight, one I can’t wait to tell my future child(ren) about.  

And now it all comes down to today.  I have had all the tests, I have taken the vitamins (sometimes), I have gone through ovulation, been inseminated and today, finally,  I gave a blood test to check for pregnancy.  It could be positive, it could be negative – there is no certainty…kind of like life. 

If it’s positive, today will be the best day of my entire life – worth every early morning wake up call, every dollar spent.  

However if it is negative, then tonight I buy a bottle of wine and I have a drink because this week has been brutal for me and if it’s negative I will be disappointed. 

It’s kind of win-win!  I love wine!!!  However of course I am hoping the former! 

I’ll let you know when I know 




Choices have consequences

The only time I have ever lived away from home was in University, attending Trent in Peterborough ON., where I lived with 5 roommates and then in final year three other roommates; and also while I was dating my ex and we moved in together for just over a year before separating due to some horrible timing.  Very, very rarely did I ever have to sleep alone in a house.  Once in a while I had exams past my roommate’s time and they would leave for their hometowns and a few times my ex had to work overnight shifts so I was stuck sleeping in a cold bed or a big, empty house. 

However, other than a few random times, my father always slept at home so I never had to experience sleeping “alone in a house”.  

When my dad passed, my mom stayed with me for a week to look after me and make sure I was okay.  I wasn’t, I needed her there, if for anything just knowing someone was in my house if I woke up and needed someone to be there.  After she left, my buddy Eric needed a place to stay until he could find a permanent rental so he was there.  I also got Simba which meant not only another body in the house, but he sleeps in the same bed as me, starting at my arms and then moving down to my calves and feet (usually his head rests on my feet until I move in the morning to take him out). 

Last night though – I slept alone.  Simba stayed at the vet clinic because he is having dental work done today and it was just easier.  I missed him.  Which is crazy to me because I never even really wanted a dog, I took him so he’d have someone to love him and give him a good home.  Now though, I can’t picture my life, least not my house, without him.  

Funny Pets Ecard: I bet my dog would be my least annoying Facebook friend.

Now I am not going to lie, it was nice to come home and shower and clean up without my mutt between my feet following my every move.  That was great.  But when I climbed into bed, alone, my hand automatically went to my side to pet him, but he wasn’t there and it brought up some pretty bad feelings.  It was a rough night.  Now it’s not an over exaggeration, that rough night was not based on being alone without Simba, it was the fact that I was alone in general.  

I’m a pretty tough cookie, I don’t mind being single – most of the time.  But sometimes, late at night, it would be nice to have another body in bed with me, to lay my head against and to feel safe because someone else is looking after me.  Sometimes having to look after myself – especially when I have been sick for so long, is exhausting.  

Last night was one of those nights I wish I had a boyfriend, where I envied my friends who I knew were snuggled up next to their husbands sleeping peacefully.  Of course I am making assumptions, because most of the friends who are married were probably more likely shoving their husbands to stop snoring or their husbands were couch sleeping because they had been a complete ass during the night or were drunk and passed out…but still the dream is nice. 

Just because I have chosen to make my baby dreams come true – without a boyfriend or husband or partner of any kind, doesn’t mean I have given up on meeting Mr.Right.  It just means I refuse to do it in everyone elses way.  I didn’t enjoy online dating, maybe one day I will go back to it, maybe I won’t, but for now, I need to be content.  I will be content. 






Home Sweet Home – or is it??

I knew when my father passed away in July that I would not continue living in his house. His memory surrounds me every day, strangles my existence, makes it difficult to breathe.   I have talked about it extensively in the past, both here and on my previous site (www.nikilee30.wordpress.com) but last night I took action.  

My realtor (John) set up some appointments and we made the 20 minute drive out to Pickering to look a variety of homes.  We looked at condo town homes, freehold  town homes and large, single family homes.  I was so excited when we began this process that, even though I still felt ill, I wanted to do this.  I wanted an idea of what was out there in my price range, with my insanely high standards. 

Well – let me tell you, it ain’t much! 

The first home we looked at was a condo town home and that was the best of the bunch.  It was newer, clean, modern and had space galore!  It was almost too much space (four floors inc. the basement – really, as a mother…no).  I left there on a high. 

The second and third and fourth homes we looked at made me quickly lose my smile.  They were older, not so clean and nowhere near what I would consider “modern”.  The fifth home was alright – but FULLY carpeted.  I have a dog people; no way is my home being carpeted.  It was newly carpeted too – I was a bit shocked – carpet is so five years ago.  Why would they put new carpet in an entire home??  Bizarre.  

The last house was alright – nothing special, nothing great, nothing horrible.  I need to have at least some great things to say about a home before I even consider spending hundreds of thousands of dollars.  

All in all, it was a disappointment.  I know John will take care of me though.  He’s the best there is.  I have faith in him and his abilities and the market.  I will find a home, a home I love where Koko Bean, Simba and I will live happily ever after…where we will grow and learn and enjoy life together…sounds nice… 




one week

It always amazes me how much can happen in one week.  A week ago today I went to my family doctor with a fever, body aches and a nose that wouldn’t stop running no matter how much I blew and blew into the mountain of tissues that were slowly filling up my garbage can.

Dr B’s diagnosis: influenza…which is fine she said because she can write me a prescription for antibiotics and Tamiflu.  I should feel better in a couple of days!  I was relieved, because living alone, in a basement, sick is about as miserable as you can imagine.   I told her I was excited because that week I would also be inseminated for the first time so I needed to be better quick!  She looked at me with disappointing eyes and threw my prescriptions in the trash.  No antibiotics or Tamiflu for women trying to become pregnant. 

I would have to suffer with Advil and Nyquil till the insemination and then talk to my fertility doctor for further instructions.  I drove home in tears knowing I would be feeling awful for a while.  All week I basically lied in bed, sweating and yelling at poor Simba to leave me alone while I chugged NyQuil more efficiently than I ever could chug a beer.

On Friday I got a call from my fertility clinic – my egg was ready to go and I would be inseminated the next day!  This was the call I had been waiting for, every time my phone rang I would jump hoping it was time.  However Friday I was miserable from being sick for five days and the last thing I felt like doing was waking up at 6:30 in the morning to have a strange mans sperm inseminated into me. 

I know that sounds awful, for 11 months now I have waited for this phone call and now I just wanted to crawl under the covers and die (well not literally).  I called my mom and she said she would come with me and I would pick her up bright and early to attend the “event”. 

Saturday morning I gave blood, signed a million documents and paid my final bill with First Steps.  I left to go pick up my mom while the sperm de-thawed.  After an ultrasound and some more waiting Dr G. was ready for me. 

Now I have seen The Back Up Plan.  That J-Lo movie where she is flipped upside down to let gravity do it’s thing while she is artificially inseminated.  I was a little nervous about becoming nauseous upside down, but when I got into the room there was just a doctors table with stirrups.  No chair, no fancy technology – all very medical and boring.  I was inseminated quicker then you could blink and was told to come back 10 days later for a blood pregnancy test. 

That’s it.

A whole minute of my day that I hope and pray will change the rest of my life!

I went home, threw some pillows under my hips and placed my feet up against my headboard.  I wasn’t taking anything to chance – I mean if J-Lo had to be inverted shouldn’t I??

I napped the rest of day until I had to go to my old roommate Brendan’s wedding and have slowly started feeling better every day since. 

Please everyone send great vibes towards my uterus…I need all the luck I can!




Children’s birthday parties

I am not pregnant – I am no where close to having a child of my own yet, let alone throwing a child’s birthday party, but having many surrogate nieces and nephews (plus three real ones) I have attended a lot of children’s birthday parties.

How fun right: 5-20 screaming kids ranging in ages and temperament, everyone trying to be the centre of attention while the parents stand against the walls, watching their kids go bat shit crazy.  Yep, a grand old-time.  Is this just how I see birthday party for children?? 

I am sure the doting parents feel completely different…I am sure they see their beautiful son or daughter smiling, surrounded by the their friends and play mates while the parents friends take pictures, tell stories and make sure everything comes together for that one special day we celebrate a child’s birth. 

On Sunday, I helped my friends Nancy and Travis celebrate their beautiful daughter who turned one year old!  I was fortunate enough to see this darling the day after she was born, in the hospital and have watched her grow ever since.  Having seen her this weekend it amazes me how quickly they develop and change.  She is walking and using hand gestures and trying to talk.  She, in a sense, is perfect.  I was honoured to be invited to her first party – and then I got to the party…  20 kids and 40 adults were invited – are you kidding me?!  For a one year old!!!???  Then I started thinking about my future child…what would I do for a birthday for them…a little something at my house?  A big party at a play place like Nancy and Travis did??  I have no idea!  I feel like everyone needs to be invited because it really does take a village to raise a child and everyone who comes in contact with Koko Bean should be at his/her party!  There is so much to think of…but really the most important thing is…



the cake…duh!

fondant fantasy!  YUMM

fondant fantasy! YUMM

This cake was delicious and oh so pretty!  Cakes are so spectacular now a days.  Gone are the supermarket specials…now it’s about going above and beyond!  I love it!  Mainly I love cake…YUMMM

While children’s birthday parties are not my most favourite thing in the world, children are.  My child will be…so sucking it up, spending a tonne of money and watching my one year smack her hand into a beautiful cake will be a Kodak moment I don’t want to miss – or lose out on.