The only time I have ever lived away from home was in University, attending Trent in Peterborough ON., where I lived with 5 roommates and then in final year three other roommates; and also while I was dating my ex and we moved in together for just over a year before separating due to some horrible timing. Very, very rarely did I ever have to sleep alone in a house. Once in a while I had exams past my roommate’s time and they would leave for their hometowns and a few times my ex had to work overnight shifts so I was stuck sleeping in a cold bed or a big, empty house.
However, other than a few random times, my father always slept at home so I never had to experience sleeping “alone in a house”.
When my dad passed, my mom stayed with me for a week to look after me and make sure I was okay. I wasn’t, I needed her there, if for anything just knowing someone was in my house if I woke up and needed someone to be there. After she left, my buddy Eric needed a place to stay until he could find a permanent rental so he was there. I also got Simba which meant not only another body in the house, but he sleeps in the same bed as me, starting at my arms and then moving down to my calves and feet (usually his head rests on my feet until I move in the morning to take him out).
Last night though – I slept alone. Simba stayed at the vet clinic because he is having dental work done today and it was just easier. I missed him. Which is crazy to me because I never even really wanted a dog, I took him so he’d have someone to love him and give him a good home. Now though, I can’t picture my life, least not my house, without him.
Now I am not going to lie, it was nice to come home and shower and clean up without my mutt between my feet following my every move. That was great. But when I climbed into bed, alone, my hand automatically went to my side to pet him, but he wasn’t there and it brought up some pretty bad feelings. It was a rough night. Now it’s not an over exaggeration, that rough night was not based on being alone without Simba, it was the fact that I was alone in general.
I’m a pretty tough cookie, I don’t mind being single – most of the time. But sometimes, late at night, it would be nice to have another body in bed with me, to lay my head against and to feel safe because someone else is looking after me. Sometimes having to look after myself – especially when I have been sick for so long, is exhausting.
Last night was one of those nights I wish I had a boyfriend, where I envied my friends who I knew were snuggled up next to their husbands sleeping peacefully. Of course I am making assumptions, because most of the friends who are married were probably more likely shoving their husbands to stop snoring or their husbands were couch sleeping because they had been a complete ass during the night or were drunk and passed out…but still the dream is nice.
Just because I have chosen to make my baby dreams come true – without a boyfriend or husband or partner of any kind, doesn’t mean I have given up on meeting Mr.Right. It just means I refuse to do it in everyone elses way. I didn’t enjoy online dating, maybe one day I will go back to it, maybe I won’t, but for now, I need to be content. I will be content.