1

Let it snow, really…let it snow

Last night, Simba needed his nightly walk – he is having a new wet food for dinner – all natural, much healthier – but I am afraid his poor bowels will let loose on my floor so I am being very diligent about taking him out right before bed.  

When we walked out the door it was snowing.  That beautiful free-falling wet snow that makes you stop to take a breath.  

I don’t like snow, but even I had to stop for a moment and squint my eyes up to the sky as the beautiful flakes fell around me and Simba almost teasing us with its softness.  I went back in and grabbed a toque and we left for our walk.  

Simba wanted to sniff every boulevard covered in snow; he would stop periodically to shake the dampness off him and then run, looking as if he was chasing the snow before it hit the ground.  It was adorable to watch and at one point, while he was sniffing the ground like he had found a steak waiting for him, I looked up in the streetlights and thought of my dad.  I actually smiled and laughed as I pictured him saying

 

YUCK, white stuff! 

 

My dad hated snow as much as I did.  Watching its beauty in the street light, seeing my dog having so much fun on the soaking wet ground I realized I may not hate the snow as much as I thought.  It was the first time in four months that I have smiled a genuine smile in regards to my father.  Where I missed him terribly but was able to smile at his memory.  Maybe I’ve had it wrong all these years – maybe the first major snow fall is magical.  Maybe it has powers to surprise. 

After our walk, I dried Simba off, changed into pajamas and snuggled under the covers with peaceful thoughts and I slept.  Of course I woke up to a snow-covered car and I was pretty sure I hated snow again, but at least for a moment I had peace.  I had happiness.  I am grateful for a few moments where Simba needed me to go out and allowed me the chance to just be…

Love

Nicole

4

I think Scrooge had a point

Every day that I wake up is one day closer to December, one day closer to when avoiding Christmas will be unavoidable.  Music for the holidays will be on many different radio stations and Christmas movies will be playing on a rotating basis.  The malls are already setting up for Santa and the flyers are full of red and green – the Christmas colours are overflowing this year – or is it just me??  Christmas, the one holiday I have been dreading, is coming nearer.  

Let's make holiday plans comprised of me nursing a hangover while watching TV at home alone

Christmas was my dad’s favourite time of year.  Traditionally we would have a Christmas Eve gathering of family and some friends, a pot luck, buffet style spread with whiskey, vodka, wine and southern comfort to drink.  Bing Crosby and all those other “old guys” sang Christmas music in the background.  It was perfect. 

You're officially invited to bring everything that's required to throw my holiday party

Laughter and love was shared those nights, me taking it all in. Waiting for everyone to leave so me and my dad could watch A Christmas Carole in black and white (the only way to watch it).   Last year, I had no idea that it would be my last year of feeling so blessed.  My father passed almost 7 months later.  I never got that final Christmas I so desperately craved, I so incredibly needed. I never got it. 

Holiday movies teach us that miracles can happen, provided you're a rich and attractive Hollywood actor.

This year it will be different, it will be sadder, my heart will be breaking on the inside while I smile and hold it together for my nieces and nephew who need it to go smoothly – who need to keep their youth for a few more years before adulthood really kicks in even though I know they will feel the loss deeply.  

I was hoping I would be pregnant, hoping I would have some good news to celebrate, but I only have one more chance.  This insemination didn’t take – I didn’t even get to do the blood test.  I got my period last night, Mother Nature came knocking and I went pee on that stupid stick where “NOT PREGNANT” glared up at me from the cold white plastic screen.  

Another disappointment and yet another month of being a TTC (trying to conceive) woman.  This shouldn’t be happening, my tubes were gorgeous – my eggs dropped normally and my body SHOULD be prepared for this.  But it is happening.  I am struggling to have a baby.  My body is betraying me.  Christmas is coming full steam ahead and I have yet one more reason to be sad, to feel alone.  

All my friends are making these plans to see their families and their extended families and are busy.  I am trying to find a way to fall asleep on the 23rd and wake up on January 2nd?  Is it possible – can you pay a hospital to knock you out for a couple of weeks?  I’m not asking for too much??  Either way, we all know I will make it.  I will wake up and clean and bake and cook and get the house ready for my small family and group of friends to come over and celebrate the holidays – the way we always have before – what choice is there? 

Love

Nicole

 

2

I may be over-reacting

Funny Pregnancy Ecard: You’re going to be great at the staying off your feet and binge eating parts of pregnancy.

I am WELL known for exaggerating things beyond measure.  I make shit up likes it going out of style and I react quickly before contemplating what the reaction from others will be. 

Now this story isn’t that drastic and it affects NO ONE else so I have no problem telling you about my paranoid self.

I was inseminated on Friday – one week ago today.  On Wednesday of this week I went to my Zumba class and while bouncing and twisting and dancing like a nut, I looked over at Agnes and whispered (okay shouted) “if my egg was hatched by the sperm will all this moving break it or make it un-attach from the uterus wall??”  Agnes, laughed and looked at me like I was insane and patiently said no – once its planted, it’s planted. 

I didn’t really believe her.  I mean seriously – with all that moving, how can something as small, as tiny, as the egg, stay all safe and secure in my body?!!!

Last night as I was lying in bed I reached over to turn off my lamp and the stretching made me feel strange and instantly was sure that I had again made my egg pop out of its secure place

I am incredibly aware that I may not even be pregnant and therefore all of this would be mute. 

I flipped over on my stomach to fall asleep after panicking about the stretching, rubbing my stomach gently and wishing good thoughts when I realized I was suffocating this poor egg that is trying to develop! I immediately jumped to my back and apologized to my belly.  At this point even my dog Simba was staring at my like his owner had lost her ever-loving mind, but I didn’t care!  I want this egg to “hatch” into the baby I have been dreaming of for over a year now!  If that means not moving for two weeks post insemination than so be it!

Oh ya, I was also wearing form-fitting jeans yesterday that cut into my stomach and hips – those are gone as well!

Love (the crazy and maniacal)

Nicole

4

I can plan a babyshower dammit!

Supposedly some women have been telling me you cannot plan your own baby shower when it’s time.

Insert: yes I am WELL aware I am not even pregnant yet

However, I feel like as it is my baby shower and I only will get one most likely – I should be able to have things my way, thus I can plan it, or at least help plan it!! I am not going to host it – that would be ridiculous.  That’s my sister, mom, bff’s or co-workers job. 

My friend and colleague, Sarah, introduced me to this amazing website last week – you may have heard of it…pinterest???  LOL…Yes I am also WELL aware that Pinterest is not new and most women have not only heard of this site – they are on it, pinning things left, right and center!

I have been on pinterest everyday since, pinning to boards for different bedrooms in my non-existent house, christmas decorations for the year I eventually want to get really into the holiday’s again and baby shower ideas, games, themes etc for the one day I, as a mom-to-be, gets celebrated!

  Fun Baby Shower Game The Original Pin the by PintheSpermontheEgg 

Doesn’t this game look like fun – pin the sperm on the egg – and it’s totally appropriate given how I am chosing to get preggo!

Pink or white chocolate w/ sprinkles! Or milk chocolate w/ pink sprinkles.

These just look delicious and I wanted them to eat now – however they will work at a shower too – although blue icing if Koko is a boy!

Expecting Parents!  Let's Polish Up for Our Children. Register on Our Official Site. #let'sInvest www.stateoftheblackparent.org Nail Polish Baby Shower Favors - what a cute (and. fashionable) idea! Easy to color coordinate, too.Baby shower. I love this idea.  I could see Jenna doing this ;) 

What cute favours!!

Baby Shower Game Ideas (14 Pics) 

A creative game that requires no effort – just my style!!

What a creative way to serve drinks to your baby shower guests! Instead of regular cups, use baby bottles & just remove the rubber tops! What's great about this idea is that the mother-to-be can use the bottles after the little one actually arrives! 

Watching my friends drink from baby bottles will have me in stitches and that day it is all about me and Koko – if I am happy, Koko is happy!  See, I need to be involved in the planning!!

What’s so hard to understand??

Love

Nicole

 

 

0

The love of a child

A few years ago I met my angel. No, not a real angel, but I’m pretty sure God stepped in to introduce us.  You see I was playing baseball with my colleagues and it rained really hard so we went back to one of my colleague’s house to dry off and have some drinks and food and that’s where I met her.  She was a 2 and a half-year old little girl named Julia who was the daughter of my colleague and his wife. Today this colleague, (and his wife), are two of my closest friends and Julia is my god-daughter.  Yep we have all spent THAT much time together.  We were meant to be together from the first time we spent any time together and her parents knew it. 

Her laughter and her love have gotten me through some dark moments. 

She was there at my father’s funeral and she hugged me so tight that she kept all my broken pieces from completely falling apart.  She also has become a good detector of guys in my life – she hasn’t liked any of them!  In fact she used to cry when I picked her up with one of my ex’s, so much so that I had to stop bringing them around each other.  I should have known right then and there that this man was not going to be my man.  She has a keen instinct and I have learned to accept it.  Any future man will have to win not only mine and Koko’s heart – but Julia’s as well. 

This past weekend I got to spend almost the whole time with her.  I baby sat her Saturday afternoon/evening and we made cookies and ate Swiss Chalet and watched some great shows on Treehouse and Teletoon.  She is four years old now, almost five and while she is petite in stature, she is still huge in heart and spirit.  She is incredibly loving and I can only hope and pray my Koko Bean is equally as amazing as she is.  

I don’t know how Julia will feel once I am pregnant.  I have been preparing her.  Asking her “how cool would it be if Nicole got pregnant and had a baby“!  She seems to be excited about the possibility.  She loves this other baby another friend has and there has been zero jealousy between the two.  If anything Julia wants to have this other baby all to herself.  It would be amazing if Julia could be like a big sister to my Koko – he/she couldn’t get a better big sister.  

Julia’s parents haven’t had any other kids yet, so she is an only child – I hope they do have more kids in the future – at least one – Julia would love it! 

On Sunday I took her to a birthday party for another friends daughter.  The party was held at Chuck E Cheese – my FAVOURITE place to have a birthday party.  There is so much to do – kids always have fun and the food isn’t half bad!  I love the show – however when I was a kid (a million eons ago) the show was way better!  

Julia had a blast and even though she was the smallest kid at the party she won lots of tickets and tried everything!  She got a pink and a purple wand with her ticket winnings (of course) and I bought her a small Chuck E Cheese mouse!  She deserved it! 

I’m so grateful to her parents for letting Julia be a part of my life – and vice versa!  I am truly blessed!

Love

Nicole

3

It’s that time again

Sitting in the Second Cup – with zero phone connection, waiting for the time to be inseminated – is exhausting me emotionally. I want this, I want to be a mom and if possible I want to do that by becoming pregnant.

These early mornings, the drawing of blood, the internal ultrasounds…it will be worth it I know it will.

But after today I need to wait 10 days for that phone call. The phone call that will make me cry one way or another. That will lift me up or kick me while I already feel down.

So here I am waiting in the Second Cup wondering when finally something good will come out of this year. A Christmas song played in the background…tears welled up until I realized I was in a coffee shop surrounded by early morning commuters…and I started thinking of my dad. How he would talk me through this whole situation, support me and let me cry when I felt to tired to continue. God I miss him.

Time to go…thank you – truly – for reading.

Love
Nicole