I think Scrooge had a point

Every day that I wake up is one day closer to December, one day closer to when avoiding Christmas will be unavoidable.  Music for the holidays will be on many different radio stations and Christmas movies will be playing on a rotating basis.  The malls are already setting up for Santa and the flyers are full of red and green – the Christmas colours are overflowing this year – or is it just me??  Christmas, the one holiday I have been dreading, is coming nearer.  

Let's make holiday plans comprised of me nursing a hangover while watching TV at home alone

Christmas was my dad’s favourite time of year.  Traditionally we would have a Christmas Eve gathering of family and some friends, a pot luck, buffet style spread with whiskey, vodka, wine and southern comfort to drink.  Bing Crosby and all those other “old guys” sang Christmas music in the background.  It was perfect. 

You're officially invited to bring everything that's required to throw my holiday party

Laughter and love was shared those nights, me taking it all in. Waiting for everyone to leave so me and my dad could watch A Christmas Carole in black and white (the only way to watch it).   Last year, I had no idea that it would be my last year of feeling so blessed.  My father passed almost 7 months later.  I never got that final Christmas I so desperately craved, I so incredibly needed. I never got it. 

Holiday movies teach us that miracles can happen, provided you're a rich and attractive Hollywood actor.

This year it will be different, it will be sadder, my heart will be breaking on the inside while I smile and hold it together for my nieces and nephew who need it to go smoothly – who need to keep their youth for a few more years before adulthood really kicks in even though I know they will feel the loss deeply.  

I was hoping I would be pregnant, hoping I would have some good news to celebrate, but I only have one more chance.  This insemination didn’t take – I didn’t even get to do the blood test.  I got my period last night, Mother Nature came knocking and I went pee on that stupid stick where “NOT PREGNANT” glared up at me from the cold white plastic screen.  

Another disappointment and yet another month of being a TTC (trying to conceive) woman.  This shouldn’t be happening, my tubes were gorgeous – my eggs dropped normally and my body SHOULD be prepared for this.  But it is happening.  I am struggling to have a baby.  My body is betraying me.  Christmas is coming full steam ahead and I have yet one more reason to be sad, to feel alone.  

All my friends are making these plans to see their families and their extended families and are busy.  I am trying to find a way to fall asleep on the 23rd and wake up on January 2nd?  Is it possible – can you pay a hospital to knock you out for a couple of weeks?  I’m not asking for too much??  Either way, we all know I will make it.  I will wake up and clean and bake and cook and get the house ready for my small family and group of friends to come over and celebrate the holidays – the way we always have before – what choice is there? 

Love

Nicole

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “I think Scrooge had a point

  1. Nicole, I’m so sorry! I know exactly what you mean. I’m hoping that the holiday season passes very quickly for you!

    Fortunately for me we’re not even visiting family at Christmas this year, b/c it falls on a Wednesday we have the excuse of work!!

  2. So sorry it hasn’t worked out this month either. As for Christmas honey, we will be there as usual and doing it all “one more time” in your Dad’s memory. It will be so hard, but none of us have a choice, except to keep on going. Sending you love and hugs!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s