Every day that I wake up is one day closer to December, one day closer to when avoiding Christmas will be unavoidable. Music for the holidays will be on many different radio stations and Christmas movies will be playing on a rotating basis. The malls are already setting up for Santa and the flyers are full of red and green – the Christmas colours are overflowing this year – or is it just me?? Christmas, the one holiday I have been dreading, is coming nearer.
Christmas was my dad’s favourite time of year. Traditionally we would have a Christmas Eve gathering of family and some friends, a pot luck, buffet style spread with whiskey, vodka, wine and southern comfort to drink. Bing Crosby and all those other “old guys” sang Christmas music in the background. It was perfect.
Laughter and love was shared those nights, me taking it all in. Waiting for everyone to leave so me and my dad could watch A Christmas Carole in black and white (the only way to watch it). Last year, I had no idea that it would be my last year of feeling so blessed. My father passed almost 7 months later. I never got that final Christmas I so desperately craved, I so incredibly needed. I never got it.
This year it will be different, it will be sadder, my heart will be breaking on the inside while I smile and hold it together for my nieces and nephew who need it to go smoothly – who need to keep their youth for a few more years before adulthood really kicks in even though I know they will feel the loss deeply.
I was hoping I would be pregnant, hoping I would have some good news to celebrate, but I only have one more chance. This insemination didn’t take – I didn’t even get to do the blood test. I got my period last night, Mother Nature came knocking and I went pee on that stupid stick where “NOT PREGNANT” glared up at me from the cold white plastic screen.
Another disappointment and yet another month of being a TTC (trying to conceive) woman. This shouldn’t be happening, my tubes were gorgeous – my eggs dropped normally and my body SHOULD be prepared for this. But it is happening. I am struggling to have a baby. My body is betraying me. Christmas is coming full steam ahead and I have yet one more reason to be sad, to feel alone.
All my friends are making these plans to see their families and their extended families and are busy. I am trying to find a way to fall asleep on the 23rd and wake up on January 2nd? Is it possible – can you pay a hospital to knock you out for a couple of weeks? I’m not asking for too much?? Either way, we all know I will make it. I will wake up and clean and bake and cook and get the house ready for my small family and group of friends to come over and celebrate the holidays – the way we always have before – what choice is there?