It happens, when you live alone, isolation can set in. It is very easy to not notice it, to ignore it and justify it with weather and things to do. Psychology defines isolation as the failure of an individual to maintain contact with others or genuine communication where interaction with others persists.
How is isolation possible when you work with 100+ people? When you are constantly at doggy day care, fertility clinics and therapy…clearly I am surrounded by others on a regular basis.
But what happens when I am home? When I come in after work, when I have a Saturday or Sunday with no responsibilities to pursue? What then? Do I go out? Do I make plans, eager to run out and see a friend or a friend’s child?
I used to. Before. Before my world ended, the world I knew at least. My father used to complain all the time that I was never home – always rushing, coming in one door saying hello, running downstairs to change my clothes and slipping out the back door screaming good-bye as the screen shut behind me.
I am social by nature – not like my father or my brother at all. I crave the attention of others (I mean really who blogs that wants to be hidden away). But lately, since that day, I haven’t been. I tried at first. I went out, even when I didn’t want to. I made plans. But the last couple of months, even the last few weeks, I have been tired of being around lots of people. I can handle one or two at a time. The weekend with my sister was great. The evening I spent this week with a friend I rarely get to see was good, but I was also so relieved and happy when I was snuggled up in bed, with Simba by my side watching tv and sleeping.
This happened once before, and it was part of the reason I lost my relationship with my ex. When Alvin and I lived together, he would try to engage with me, but I would shish him while my tv shows were on, going to bed early, napping during the day and I swore when he broke up with me (for numerous reasons) that I would NEVER become that girl again. But for some reason I had become depressed , when at that time I had no reason to be. I had everything I wanted. Or thought I wanted.
Now I am just trying to make it through a day. Now I just want to be left alone. Now I am sensitive to noise, whether its colleagues or clients being loud or I’m turning the tv volume down, noise bothers me. When my family comes over I am extremely happy, but half way through the visit I feel bothered by the noise…and they are teenagers so they are by nature noisy.
My therapist I am seeing is aware of all this, and has concerns. She wants me to explore these feelings I have, when normally I would go out, I stay in. When the noise starts to bother me. When I find myself wasting away a day. Explore the voices in my head, explore the feelings in my heart.
As if there isn’t enough craziness in there.