Day 3, Clomid and Flappy Bird

This morning I woke up and immediately felt like a small bowling ball was ripping through my uterus.  Is this too much information to be sharing live on a blog?  Maybe it is? I was happy even through the pain because today is my Day 3 and for all of you have suffered from Fertility issues you know day 3 is an important day as it begins the cycle monitoring stage! 

Today after my blood work and ultrasound I saw my fabulous Doctor and she wrote me a prescription for Clomid, a drug to help increase fertility.  I will take it for the next 5 days and hopefully when I see my doctor again in a week I will have lots of teeny tiny eggs ready to be fertilized by my donor!  

Sitting in the ultrasound room always makes me feel self-conscious.  So many women are there with their partners or at least if they are alone they are sporting large diamonds on their ring fingers and me, I am sitting there alone playing Flappy Bird feeling insignificant.  

The staff has NEVER made me feel this way, let me make that very clear – I am always made to feel like their most important patient, but internally I feel awkward.  Do I wish things had been different?  Sure!  Of course…I’m sure most single moms would give anything to have a partner to love and support them and their child, but things weren’t different so I am making the best choices for me right now, in February of 2014.  

Today I wondered if the people there thought maybe I was a lesbian.  I mean statistically most women don’t choose to do this alone and since I am a smiley person I always smile warmly at the women who come in and pass me by.  I am okay with this.  Think what they want, lesbian, lonely single or confidant strong independent woman I could be at any point any one of these three people and since I highly doubt I’ll see them anywhere other than a waiting room, I keep smiling, chatting up nurses, doctors and patients alike.  That’s who I am…right now. 

I can’t wait to see how this medication makes me feel.  I was warned of hot flashes, mood swings etc….thank God I will be starting this over the weekend when my actions and behaviours affect the least amount of people! 

I’ll update you all on Monday…how this medication and my emotions are 








Moving to Suberbia

I am a city girl, a very proud city girl.  

As of March 12th, 2014 I am moving to a TOWN! 


I got the house!  I am a home owner!  It’s final.  I have given my deposit and on March 12th I take ownership of a beautiful bungalow in the TOWN of Ajax!  

Is it weird that I am giddy?  Like anxious, silly, giddy!  This is a move in ready house that has everything I wanted and more!  Its three bedrooms with two beautiful bathrooms, sports a large living/dining room with a square kitchen that looks out onto the dining area.  It has a huge backyard which I was NOT expecting and a garage with a driveway that can easily fit two more cars for guests which I was NOT expecting.  It is within a five-minute drive to a handful of friends and close to one of my cousins as well!  I am thrilled.  I can’t stop smiling, I want to jump up and down and move in NOW, but I need to keep my excitement at bay for a few more weeks! 

Luckily my friends and family are über excited for me and have been extremely patient and supportive while I go on and on and on and on and on about it!  

When I have moved in, I will show before and after pics, promise! For now I am trying to grasp the concept of living outside of Toronto, leaving my family home and eventually putting the building that holds my memories on the market for another family to own.  My father did not want us to keep this home forever, his dreams included me owning my own place and thanks to his working hard and making smart investments over the years, these dreams are a reality.  

But it’s not easy.  It’s not easy leaving your safe zone.  This is my home where I lived the first 19 years of my life and where I always came back to after school finished.  It’s where I took care of my dad when he was sick, where my nieces and nephew lived for a short time, when our house was filled with love and chaos!  It’s where I found out Tammy was pregnant with Kyle and where Tammy and I had a giggle fest for hours while she watched over me when my dad was on a date.  This home is where I laughed, it’s where I cried, it’s where I screamed and where I grew up.  Almost every memory I have links me back to Sedgemount. 

My neighbours aren’t just people who share my postal code, they share my life, they’ve watched me grow up, I’ve watched them have babies and grandbabies and pets and arguments and I have swam in their pools and watched their TV’s. These people will forever be my friends, long after they stop being my neighbours.  Leaving Sedgemount doesn’t just mean starting a new life, it means closing an extremely long and amazing chapter.  I first walked Simba down my sidewalk, the same sidewalk I learned how to ride a bike on and subsequently flew over my handle bars and scraped the crap out of my legs and hands and face.  This sidewalk has my initials on it (thankfully it’s been replaced lately so my blood is all but a distant memory), my nieces and nephew have played on this sidewalk, I slapped a lying ex in the face while standing on this sidewalk.  People knew that when they walked by my house they could raise their hand in greeting and my dad, sitting on the couch inside, would see it and raise his hand back (and ask me to figure out who the hell he waved hello too).  

Memories are a funny thing.  I don’t need the house to keep them.  They are ingrained in my heart and my mind.  They will only leave me when I either lose my mind or when the good Lord decides it’s my time to leave this place on earth.  The physical building will soon belong to someone else, but the ghosts of our past remain forever because the history has already been imprinted in the wood, in the brick and in the plaster that holds up the four walls.   

It’s hard to walk away from my past, but my future is so bright and I cannot wait to begin this new part, this part in a town called Ajax where my friends and my future are waiting! 




I had no idea…

On Saturday morning afternoon, I met up with my realtor and we headed out to see our first house in Ajax.  Now I had no desire to actually move out so far – Pickering (Brock Rd) was the farthest I wanted to spread my wings, but with no prospects there to this point, I told John to see what he could find further east.  I have about half a dozen friends who live in Ajax and Whitby so I felt very comfortable with this decision. 

We pulled up to the first house and from the outside I started smiling.  I had a vision of me pulling up to this house every day for the next 20 years.  Shaking my head, John opened the door and I had to catch my breath.  The house (a bungalow!) was immaculate.  It was modern with a touch of unique design features including exposed brick, a massive basement with a spa like bathroom and three fair-sized bedrooms.  

Needless to say I was happy.  

John and I went to five more homes that day and none compared to my Ajax beauty.  We looked at some comparables, called the listing agent to get more information and arranged to come during the open house the next day to see it again. 

I brought my mom, aunt and brother with me, to see if they saw what I did.  My brother joked about bidding on it because he liked it so much!  I started to really see myself living in Ajax, having babies and being a soccer mom to Koko (Soccer is HUGE in Ajax). 

John arranged for a walk through again on Monday with a home inspector who would do a walk through for me to see if I could take out the clause of a home condition to make my offer more appealing.  The Home inspector loved the house and was HIGHLY impressed.  I knew then and there I wanted this house more than I’ve wanted anything (other than Koko) in a long time.  I talked to John about putting our best foot forward.  No bargaining.  I was going in with what I wanted to pay for it and now I have a few hours to freak out over whether my offer or a competing bid will be accepted?  So far 5 bids have been registered and they are looking at them at 5:30.  That’s a long time to wait.  My severe lack of sleep last night was excitement, not fear.  I feel this is the right house.  If I don’t win it, it may take a while till I feel this again.  

I have accepted the fact that I may not actually win this bid; that I may have to begrudgingly continue looking.  A lot of people came through and a lot of people seemed VERY interested, families – husband and wife – who probably have more money than I do.  This made me start to actually wish that I had a partner – someone who could support me through this, who would be able share the debt load.  I can afford this home (just) at what I have offered, but it would be SO much easier to have a partner by my side to share in the experience.  As much as I have friends and family to encourage me and cheer for me, I don’t have someone to lean on when it comes to the finances; I don’t have a partner in crime.  This is all a bit crazy to be doing alone.  

Single woman be damned!  We can do it all, sure we can, but it would be nice to not have to.  That’s the difference!




Valentines Day


 I want to wish all my readers and fellow bloggers a very happy Valentines Day!  I bet most people think that as a single woman who has been hurt by love time and time again that I would hate today, dread it, shy away from it, but I don’t.  At the end of the day today is just February 14th.  I am happy that our country takes a day to celebrate love.  Sure it’s a Hallmark day where Flower shops and candy stores make millions of dollars, but these stores need this day to make up for the lack of gift giving the rest of the year so why not??? 

When I finally have Koko Bean to love and spoil damn right we will make this day special.  We will bake cookies with pink frosting, create heart-shaped crafts and make Valentines Cards for our friends and family.  WHY NOT?  

I have a few friends and acquaintances who are so bitter because their loved ones are working or don’t care for the day and dammit they want to feel special!!!!  My concern is…if you have a man (or woman) who loves you and tells you and shows you regularly why do you need today to be any different?  You are one of the lucky ones!  You found someone who makes you feel important and loved and just because they may not care for the “Hallmarkness” of this day doesn’t mean that they love you any less.  I would give anything to stay home with a man whose heart I share watching tv and eating left overs.   The grass isn’t greener on the other side people…like the song says…it’s green where you water it.  Maybe you need some more H2O? 

Tonight I will be making Spaghetti and watching movies with Simba…he loves me and I am fortunate to have him in my life so I am good.  Yes I tease that all my friends and family should send me flowers and buy me Pandora, but in reality…I am good with pasta and my puppy!  

I hope today, wherever you are and whomever you are with that you are happy and are in love with life (and a partner is the icing on the pink and red frosted cake!)