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Dating Disasters as experienced by me

My whole dating career (yes I consider it a career since I put more time and energy into my dating life, or thinking about dating then anywhere else), has been one long string of disasters after another.  Whether it be my fault or their fault or lifes fault or Ghandi’s fault  or the Busted Asians (hahahah Erin) fault, every relationship I have had has ended, usually with me being hurt.

I am not going to go into detail about each relevant ex and their flaws and trash them (even though that would make for a REALLY funny blog and I am sure many of my friends would love for me to finally say something negative about some of these men), but that’s not how I roll so lets move on.

After my last IUI didn’t work I went downtown with two of my guy friends and their 5 year-old daughters.  I felt that twinge, you know the one, the one that makes you push aside your “I am woman hear me roar” thoughts and allows the “I miss having someone in my life to hang out with, go places with, spend time with and be intimate with” thoughts to shove their way violently into the forefront of my mind.  I actually considered reactivating my Eharmony account.

WHAT?

I know…I have to have said it a dozen times in the past ten years.  I hate online dating, I hate the formality of it, the awkwardness of it and just the general uncomfortableness that surrounds me and online dating.  However, with very few friends who can set me up and with a limited population that would find me attractive and appealing, I am running out of options.

I am going to wait until I have officially moved into my house to make this decision.  I don’t want to do it out of loneliness, but at the same time I want to be happy and smile some more and even though my track record has a lot of frowns and tears, there has been smiles so maybe I’ll get lucky enough to have some more.  If it doesn’t work out I can still do two more IUI’s come late Spring when planned.

Oh gosh – do any of you have any friends you can hook me up with?!  LOL…clearly I’m desperate or delusional.

Love

Nicole

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Don’t read if your easily queasy

Monday morning I woke up anxious from a bad dream…I had suffered a miscarriage at 6 months and no one was around to help me, I was alone and terrified.  When I woke up, my stomach was flat (meaning not hugely pregnant like I had been in my dream) and Simba licked my elbow and I smiled.  It was just a dream.  I went to the bathroom and my first five minutes of my day were normal.  What happened after was not.

I was lying down rubbing Simba’s belly waking him up to begin our day like I always do and when I stood up to get my clothes and it felt like I was peeing! I could feel the wetness running down my legs.  I shrieked and ran back to the bathroom ripping off my pajama pants and there was blood, not urine, everywhere!  Blood droplets on the floor, blood all over my thighs and of course my pj pants were ruined.  I actually trembled thinking I had miscarried and I just wanted the bleeding to stop.  Finally after cleaning myself up I called my friend Agnes who has had her share of pregnancy horror stories and she said I could be having a miscarriage but because I would be less than two weeks pregnant it would be hard to tell.  Tearing up, I hung up and called my clinic leaving a message for them to call me back ASAP.

I got dressed and checked to make sure I wasn’t bleeding anymore – I wasn’t really so it was all good. I went to work.

When the clinic called me back she said to come in Thursday for my scheduled pregnancy test and that it could be implantation bleeding, a miscarriage or my period.  Of course I had NO idea what implantation bleeding was and immediately turned to good old google to determine.  After some research it was possible, but later that night…I got my period.

For the past three days (Tuesday to today) my period has been heavier than I have EVER experienced it in my 20 years of “being a woman” and of course today my test came back negative.  No pregnancy.  No implantation bleeding, no baby…

My heart hurts. 

It’s ironic, when I was growing up (teenage years) I had a strange inclination that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because where my friends where getting pregnant from just looking at penis’ I was not *thank God cause i didn’t want to at the time* but I was never responsible with my birth control pills and went off them 7 years ago because I kept forgetting them and relied instead on inconsistent condom use to prevent pregnancy.  I feel like I took to many “oops” chances through the years and the fact that none of those “oops” turned into a baby I feel means I won’t get pregnant – at least not easily. 

Clearly easy isn’t how this is going to work for me.  This was my first round of IUI on Clomid and it didn’t work.  I have two viles of sperm left from my donor and if I use them up I will either need to purchase more of the same donor or look for a new one.  So many choices, so many options, however at this point I am not having any of it.  I am taking this month off to focus on me.  I have gained about 10 pds since my dad passed and on my short frame it might as well have been 100.  I need to at least lose that 10 pds and focus on my health – including taking my vitamins.  With the move coming up next week, I will spend that entire weekend unpacking and grocery shopping.  It’s needed and I need to do something to try to make my damn body a safe, happy place for fertilization. I hope all my lady followers who are going through the same struggles as myself that your luck is better than mine and that you see success soon! 

Love

Nicole

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I’d like to thank the academy:

 Last night I signed off all the paperwork for my house, realizing my signature is hideous and I think I am going to spend the next couple of days practicing a signature that doesn’t look a three-year old with a tantrum.  

As I left the lawyer’s office I realized with glee that as of tomorrow at 5:00 I will have the keys to my home.  MY.  HOME.  

It still feels surreal.  I need to send some shout-outs or thank you’s to people who have been supporting me and surrounding me with love since day 1 of me seeing this house (which crazy enough was less than a month ago!). 

First and foremost to my realtor Jon, you have guided me patiently towards what was the right house for me.  Neither of us expected it to be in Ajax, but you showed me what I needed to see and not just what I wanted to see and for that I have my dream home.  If anyone is looking for an agent in or around the Toronto area, message me for his details!  He’s great. 

Second I need to say the biggest thank you to my mom!  If you had told me five years ago that my mother would be the one person I would rely on the most, who I would speak to daily and who was the biggest support and help I would have looked at you crazy, but we have become so much closer in the past year and I would not have gotten through the last few months without her.  Everything from picking up Simba from his doggy day care, to driving to my house, picking up a cheque I forgot at home and driving it to my work – she is amazing and I am grateful for her! 

I want to shout out to some friends who have been there along the way, texting me daily and even some coming out to see the house.  Erin, you are crazy and inappropriate at the best of times, but the fact that you were there the moment I found out I got the house and were the first hug of congratulations I received will stay with me forever.  Agnes, it still amazes me how close we became so quickly, I look forward to many backyard bbq’s with you this summer since your in laws will be around to watch the kids 😉 Kim, that baby needs to come out…I mean seriously, I have no patience and the fact that this is your second child, well I am ready to greet your little girl and snuggle her!  Thank you for texting constantly about the house and showing your support and making me laugh hysterically while you cussed out Jon for him showing me a house close to yours!  I cannot wait to be your sort of neighbour!!

To Alexander Guarnes, my lawyer – thank you!  If all I have to do is sign my name a bunch of times and you do the rest, I am good with that!  

And finally, none of this would be possible without my dad.  My dad saved his money, made good investment choices ensuring his children would be left with enough money to make some dreams come true.  You did daddy!  I miss you every day and I would give it all up for five more minutes with you, but since I know that is impossible I will live everyday living by your example and doing what is right for me – what you would have wanted for me!  

Love

Nicole

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My Top 5 reasons I am going to hate moving

 Since my last attempt at blogging was regarding why I am SO excited to move to Ajax, I figured it’s only fair to express my opinions on why moving away from my childhood home in Scarborough is going to be gut wrenching: 

  1. It is my childhood home – I am familiar with every ounce of that home.  I know all its nooks and crannies.  Nothing about the house surprises or scares me.  I have a memory for every room and all of its free space.  Whether it be screaming downstairs when I was a young child because my brother turned off the lights on me, or lying on the couch in the living while my brother poured Ketchup on my head (again which resulted in my screaming), I can walk blindfolded through this house and not hit anything.  It is familiar and comfortable and I strongly dislike change.  
  2. My neighbours are my second family – there are a handful of neighbours who have lived on the street for an extremely long amount of time and whose families I have integrated into.  These people have seen me at my best and my worst. I have befriended their children, tutored their children, and experienced life with them and their children.  They have watched out for me on numerous occasions, whether it be when my mom left and my dad was raising me on his own, or 20 years later when my dad passed away, leaving me lost and confused.  They know things about me that I probably don’t even know and if EVER a man pulls up into the driveway or stays the night – they know about it!  They gossip like little old ladies and I love it because sometimes it’s not about me and I get to know more about them this way! 
  3. My brother and I and his three children all attended the same elementary and middle schools just down the street from my house and my children won’t.  The history dies off with my youngest niece who graduates from the middle school this coming June.  I know some of the teachers, I know some of the kids that go to these schools and now my kids will start new schools where everything is unfamiliar. 
  4. Changing my address is a pain in the ass. When I moved in with my ex for a year, I changed everything over, knowing him and I would be together forever and in that apartment for at least a couple of years before getting engaged and buying a home together.  Well, clearly that didn’t work out and I had to move home again.  I had to change everything twice!  Besides just my driver’s license and health card, I have to change all my bills; I have to change all my online accounts, my bank info, my address with work and my pension.  I have to give the new address to all my friends and family.  All the fast food delivery places have my address and phone number associated with each other and now I have to change that!  It’s annoying!  I also am going to have my mail for me and my dad forwarded to the new address so I know who I need to change, people I have forgotten.  It’s not hard – and I am not complaining, but it’s a pain. 
  5. This is the house where my dad kept me safe and protected.  Whether coming home for a week in my first year of University because I was so homesick I thought I wouldn’t survive or running in to my dad’s open arms when my ex left our relationship as quickly as he had jumped into it, it was my home.  Both my brother and I knew we could land safely here when the world knocked us down.   Not having this home is scary.  To give it to someone who may not love it like we do is scary.  

Life is scarier now.  That’s okay though.  It’s worth it.  Change can be good, and if it’s not – I don’t have that house to fall back on anymore so I better learn to make the best of the situation! 

Love

Nicole

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My top 5 reasons I cannot wait to move!

There are so many emotions running through my Clomid filled body right now that I thought I would focus on some positive things…why I am EXCITED to move to the “town” of Ajax.

1. It’s a fresh start: ever since my ex and I broke up in 2010 I have made one mistake after another that has thrown me for a real loop.  Whether it be boyfriends or work or money or family related, my mistakes haunt me and I need a fresh place to begin what is the second half of my life – AD (after daddy).  Since his passing in July I have known that the Sedgemount home was no longer my home.  It was my home while he existed, my safe place to fall, now it doesn’t hold that same special place in my heart.  It’s unfortunate but true.

2. It’s in AJAX:  I have wanted to move out to Durham for as long as I can remember – actually probably since my friend Lyndsey moved out there after 8th grade.  Slowly but surely a large majority of my friends have found there way east of Scarborough and I look forward to joining them.  I completed a lot of my teacher preparation out there including one placement and a few years of volunteering, positive that I myself would end up living out there as soon as the time was right…it’s right

3. Half of my friends live near my new home: I spend so much time thinking about my friends that live in Durham, sad that I don’t get to see them as often as I want to because the drive at night can be a pain…now, since I have to make that drive anyway, it won’t be as bad!  Especially because my friend Kim is about to have her second baby any day now!  I’ll hopefully get to spend more time with her little family watching her kids grow up!  Two of my friends from my old work location live in Durham and I never get to see them except the random night out for dinner  a couple of times a year.  Now that we are all living in the same town we can spend more time together!  YAY!  I also have one cousin who lives five minutes from my home with his wife and even though we haven’t been close in the past, I would relish the opportunity to become close, to be friends AND family.

4. Decorating: I am a pinterest fanatic (thank you Sarah) and even though this house has been redone and doesn’t need a lot of work – decorating is always a must and I can’t wait to start to make it mine!  I want it to be modern, but very personal.  I will attack one room at a time and when I am done I can look back and go – yep, this is MY house!

5. My dad would want this house for me:  when I stepped in this house I knew.  My dad would have loved it.  He would have wanted to live in it, and he would be so happy for me that his sacrifices allowed me to get a house I so thoroughly love.  I believe he’s looking down, smiling at me, happy for me, proud of me and I can’t wait to sit on my couch and feel his presence around me as I watch TV in my new living room!

What was your favourite part of house hunting or moving??  Let me know…

Love

Nicole