Monday morning I woke up anxious from a bad dream…I had suffered a miscarriage at 6 months and no one was around to help me, I was alone and terrified. When I woke up, my stomach was flat (meaning not hugely pregnant like I had been in my dream) and Simba licked my elbow and I smiled. It was just a dream. I went to the bathroom and my first five minutes of my day were normal. What happened after was not.
I was lying down rubbing Simba’s belly waking him up to begin our day like I always do and when I stood up to get my clothes and it felt like I was peeing! I could feel the wetness running down my legs. I shrieked and ran back to the bathroom ripping off my pajama pants and there was blood, not urine, everywhere! Blood droplets on the floor, blood all over my thighs and of course my pj pants were ruined. I actually trembled thinking I had miscarried and I just wanted the bleeding to stop. Finally after cleaning myself up I called my friend Agnes who has had her share of pregnancy horror stories and she said I could be having a miscarriage but because I would be less than two weeks pregnant it would be hard to tell. Tearing up, I hung up and called my clinic leaving a message for them to call me back ASAP.
I got dressed and checked to make sure I wasn’t bleeding anymore – I wasn’t really so it was all good. I went to work.
When the clinic called me back she said to come in Thursday for my scheduled pregnancy test and that it could be implantation bleeding, a miscarriage or my period. Of course I had NO idea what implantation bleeding was and immediately turned to good old google to determine. After some research it was possible, but later that night…I got my period.
For the past three days (Tuesday to today) my period has been heavier than I have EVER experienced it in my 20 years of “being a woman” and of course today my test came back negative. No pregnancy. No implantation bleeding, no baby…
My heart hurts.
It’s ironic, when I was growing up (teenage years) I had a strange inclination that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because where my friends where getting pregnant from just looking at penis’ I was not *thank God cause i didn’t want to at the time* but I was never responsible with my birth control pills and went off them 7 years ago because I kept forgetting them and relied instead on inconsistent condom use to prevent pregnancy. I feel like I took to many “oops” chances through the years and the fact that none of those “oops” turned into a baby I feel means I won’t get pregnant – at least not easily.
Clearly easy isn’t how this is going to work for me. This was my first round of IUI on Clomid and it didn’t work. I have two viles of sperm left from my donor and if I use them up I will either need to purchase more of the same donor or look for a new one. So many choices, so many options, however at this point I am not having any of it. I am taking this month off to focus on me. I have gained about 10 pds since my dad passed and on my short frame it might as well have been 100. I need to at least lose that 10 pds and focus on my health – including taking my vitamins. With the move coming up next week, I will spend that entire weekend unpacking and grocery shopping. It’s needed and I need to do something to try to make my damn body a safe, happy place for fertilization. I hope all my lady followers who are going through the same struggles as myself that your luck is better than mine and that you see success soon!