The non-baby blues

On Monday it will have been a month, a month since I moved out of my family home and into my forever home.  Life hasn’t exactly gone as planned.  Everything has taken longer than expected, everything has cost more than expected and that sneaky little depression bug that I was ignoring for so long has come right up and bit me hard in the ass – oh ya and the ass is no better and I’m sick of that too!

1. A lot of my friends have offered to help me move and I have taken a few of them up on it.  However this hasn’t been easy.  Weekends are busy for everyone and getting stuff from Scarborough to Ajax during the week is next to impossible unless you do it later at night and with Simba I don’t want to be gone all evening.

The thing that has been sad is not the people who have offered but the people who haven’t.  I was hoping that my move would be an amazing few days of giggles with my closest bff’s and people teasing me and making me laugh, but that didn’t happen.  It was a disappointment and that sucks.

I have a lot of boxes that can’t be unpacked due to a lack of shelving (see below) and a lack of time to unpack the ones that can.

2. My backyard’s grating is all off – which of course being under 6 feet of snow when I bought the house I would never have known.  There is no water seeping into the house – yet – but I need to get this taken care of ASAP!  Thankfully my friends Jeff and Travis have scheduled me into their busy work schedules and will take care of this for me, but it will be costly!

Shelving is expensive.  I was hoping I could buy some cheap white or dark wood shelves so I could put all my books, DVD’s and photo albums away but that isn’t happening.  They are MASSIVELY expensive…I was hoping like $20-$40 each…try more like $70-$170 each and that’s from WALMART!  Of course all the bills are coming in as well so I had to turn to my dads accounts which my brother and I also haven’t taken care of yet – one more thing to do..

3. Living alone, with just a dog is lonely.  It’s been lonely since my dad died and somehow moving has emphasised that loneliness even though I see my Durham friends and my cousin and mom more often than I did before the move.  In reality I have been lonely since before my dad passed.  I mean really – we were okay company for each other, but we had no common interests.  There is a difference between a dads company and a friend or partners company.  I am starting Yoga on Monday night to hopefully relax my mind and keep me busy at least one day of the week.

I have been putting off my next insemination because A) I’m feeling anxious more so lately and B) I can’t handle any more disappointments right now and the first four times were all failures – the fifth has given me no reason to believe it will be a success.  So I am putting it on hold right now.  I don’t have any money to spend on pregnancy attempts that will almost surely be failures *at least with my attitude*.

I am not feeling fulfilled lately – in any area of my life, I don’t know what will be the thing that makes it better, but so far my frustration levels are easily tilted. I hope to have more positive blogs in the near future – but right now…you’ll have to deal with me this way





Something stinks…

In August when I first got Simba, we were out for our nightly walk when ahead of me I saw a black cat..walking ahead of us.  Upon closer inspection, I saw a streak of white.  SKUNK!  I quickly steered Simba away from the approaching skunk and we quickly walked home.  I haven’t had any issues with Skunks since then, thank you GOD.

Until Friday…

Around 9:15 Simba gave me the “I have to GO mom” look.  I put him in the backyard as I have every night for the past four months because it was to cold for us to walk just so he can pee.  I went and put another box away assuming he’d bark or scratch at the door to be let in.  After a few minutes when I didn’t hear anything I peeked out the back door window and that’s when my heart froze.  A LARGE black creature was making his/her way passed Simba and just as I opened the door he started barking *SHIT*…I saw the streak of a white tail go up and that’s when my shrieking voice called for Simba to get inside.  Unfortunately it was too late.  He kept barking and the skunk just stood there ass up, spraying the backyard and my poor pooch.

Simba, finally altered by screaming, came running inside and I tried catching him so he wouldn’t go to far into the house, but the stench hit me like a ton of bricks.  He started rolling around on the floor and after my initial shock I grabbed the nearest towel and picked him up and locked him in the bathroom so I could make a run out to Sobeys to pick up Tomato juice.  I called my cousin and he and his wife gave me some home remedies to try.

I spent the next hour rubbing tomato juice and Dawn dish soap into Simbas stinky fur alternating with hot water.  Finally, with my hands burning and sore, I took him out of the tub, dried him off and put him in bed with me.  He was still so stinky, but at that point it was past 11:00 and I was exhausted.  Crying, *yes I was emotional and crying* we went to bed; though Simba was hacking and coughing all night so the amount of actual sleep I got was minimal.

The next day I woke up early and called his daycare/vet and they agreed I should bring him in and they would bathe him in “Skunk off” for me.

Long story short(er) – they bathed him, and at my recommendation they shaved him to make it even better.

One shaved puppy coming up!

One shaved puppy coming up!

I don’t know who was more upset that night, him or me, but I am grateful that ordeal is over and Simba and I will be walking together from now on!

Thank you Ajax wildlife, you have officially “welcomed” me to the neighbourhood!




Alfred Hitchcock has nothing on me

On Wednesday night, I picked up Simba from doggy day care as per usual and then rushed to the Scarborough home to pack some more boxes and make the trek to Ajax.  Moving all the boxes into the house wasn’t as difficult as moving them out as I don’t have screen doors on the house so I just left the big red door open and carried them in.

After moving six boxes back and forth I was exhausted and flaked out on my couch.  I turned on my new favourite show The Little Couple and that’s when it happened…

scratch scratch scratch…

uh oh.  MOUSE!  I ran into my kitchen where I heard the scratching and it sounded like it was coming from a large cupboard by my stove.  I quickly shoved boxes in front of it to keep the bastard in there and called my cousin shrieking.  He promised he’d come after dinner with traps.

I walked back to the couch trying to calm down when I saw these weird drops on my floor that looked like bird poop.  That’s weird.  I went to the white spots and saw a few more white spots…hmmmm…back over to the couch is when I saw it!  BIRD SHIT on my couch!  My NEW couch!

Simba was in the kitchen still trying to get at the “mouse” as I pondered how the hell a bird pooped in my house and did it bring in the damn mouse??  I walked over to Simba and noticed he was actually scratching at the space between the counter and stove…what a weird day this was…I mean was my dog not smart enough to know the mouse was in the cupboard…what did he want?  I got my flashlight and shined a light through the blank space to see what Simba wanted and staring back at me was a black bird who was stuck and scratching furiously!  I screamed, grabbed my dog and RAN out of the house just as the bird got free from his spot and flew into my window.  I called my cousin back in a panic and hopped in my car praying the bird would be smart and fly out the door.  He didn’t.  I watched him fly around my living room landing on my couch, fireplace and back into the kitchen!  CRAP!!!

My cousin arrived very quickly and teasing me and laughing at me (yes at me) he and his wife went in the house and shoo’d the bird out the back door.

Than you LORD.

Then I was left to clean the poop off the floor, couch, fireplace, kitchen window, sink and counters and curse the entire time.

I’m moving back to Scarborough…I don’t do BIRDS!




What goes bump in the night

Last night I did it – I moved to Ajax.

Simba and I were grateful to my friend Kim who brought over a single mattress for us to sleep on because otherwise I would have slept on the couch and I am not a fan of couch surfing. I like to nap on the couch as often as possible, but sleeping for a full 8 hours is not ideal.

The two of us tip-toed around the house all evening, getting used to our space, putting some things away (not a lot I won’t lie) while watching my PVR’d Big Brother Canada and waiting for Kim’s arrival. It was so great because she lives four minutes from my house so she was able to stay and chat for a while and this is what I miss. I miss having someone to talk to – verbally, not by text message. Actual conversation and Kim gave me what I have so craved for months now. I am so over text messaging to stay in touch with people, I want to speak to someone and sit with them for a while. Soon I will be able to offer people a glass of wine or pop or coffee when they come by!

When she left, I gathered some bathroom supplies to put away and hung up my shower curtain. I am convinced the people who lived here prior were giants. I didn’t clue in before but everything is high. The bar – high, the doorhandles – high, the shower curtain – I had to stand on the top to even come close to being able to reach it!!! I am 5’2 so I am used to struggling, but this was ridiculous!

I was looking forward to a hot shower and a hot shower I got! I could not get the water to cool down for the life of me. I turned all three of the knobs on the wall in the shower and none of them cooled it down. I was a nice pink colour from the water burning my skin, but at least I felt clean and satisfied enough to lie down and sleep.

Simba was not having it.

We lied down on the mattress and every creek, car passing by and outside noise he heard he growled. A low grrrrrrrr escaping his throat and no matter how many shoves I gave him he kept at it until I finally passed out way past 11:00. I only woke once, unable to contain my excitement of being in the new home, unable to fall back asleep right away, but finally I did, to awaken shortly after by the alarm clock.

This morning as I prepared for work I smiled to myself knowing that soon everything would be unpacked and put away and that I would be able to take my time getting ready in my house. My. House.

I really like those words.

Make these disappear

Make these disappear




Moving day

Really you ask!?  On a random Tuesday?!


Last night as I was lying in bed (which should have already been moved to the Ajax home, but my sister had a migraine and couldn’t help) staring at empty walls that need plaster and repainting, I realized I was done.  This chapter of my life (33 years and almost three months long) is over.  I have no affinity towards this house.  It haunts me like the fear of the unknown.  The stupid thing is that it doesn’t have to.  I own a home!  I own a home worlds away from this one.  In Ajax, where a different life awaits me, stands a home that I purchased.  A home that I saw, loved and bought all in three days.  There is a couch there and thanks to my cousin and mom and a few others, there are also numerous, multiplying boxes there that are waiting for me to unpack.

So why am I lying in bed at the Scarborough house, anxious and wide awake?  Because of the bed?  Sure a bed is nice, but it doesn’t make me feel safe and loved…the four walls will do that.  These four walls remind me of my father and make my heart ache with the absence of him.  I decided, today, Tuesday April 1st I am moving into the Ajax home and I will sleep on the couch and live out of boxes until the bed can be moved over and the boxes can be emptied.  Maybe then I will find peace.

Simba will be happy where mommy (that’s me) is happy and I am happy in Ajax where I am not engulfed in emptiness on a daily basis.  I think some people forget how absolutely alone I am once the doors close and lock.  I will be alone in this house too – don’t get me wrong, I am not moving anyone in anytime soon, but in Scarborough there was a hero who shared these walls with me my entire life – in Ajax that hero doesn’t exist within the concrete, he doesn’t reflect off the fresh paint.  I have to go.

It’s time to go.  Tonight, I will pack up my spaniels food and toys, grab some work outfits (and shoes – gotta have the shoes) and move out of Scarborough for good.

I feel extremely confidant with this decision.