Really you ask!? On a random Tuesday?!
Last night as I was lying in bed (which should have already been moved to the Ajax home, but my sister had a migraine and couldn’t help) staring at empty walls that need plaster and repainting, I realized I was done. This chapter of my life (33 years and almost three months long) is over. I have no affinity towards this house. It haunts me like the fear of the unknown. The stupid thing is that it doesn’t have to. I own a home! I own a home worlds away from this one. In Ajax, where a different life awaits me, stands a home that I purchased. A home that I saw, loved and bought all in three days. There is a couch there and thanks to my cousin and mom and a few others, there are also numerous, multiplying boxes there that are waiting for me to unpack.
So why am I lying in bed at the Scarborough house, anxious and wide awake? Because of the bed? Sure a bed is nice, but it doesn’t make me feel safe and loved…the four walls will do that. These four walls remind me of my father and make my heart ache with the absence of him. I decided, today, Tuesday April 1st I am moving into the Ajax home and I will sleep on the couch and live out of boxes until the bed can be moved over and the boxes can be emptied. Maybe then I will find peace.
Simba will be happy where mommy (that’s me) is happy and I am happy in Ajax where I am not engulfed in emptiness on a daily basis. I think some people forget how absolutely alone I am once the doors close and lock. I will be alone in this house too – don’t get me wrong, I am not moving anyone in anytime soon, but in Scarborough there was a hero who shared these walls with me my entire life – in Ajax that hero doesn’t exist within the concrete, he doesn’t reflect off the fresh paint. I have to go.
It’s time to go. Tonight, I will pack up my spaniels food and toys, grab some work outfits (and shoes – gotta have the shoes) and move out of Scarborough for good.
I feel extremely confidant with this decision.