There is a club that no one wants to belong to, yet at some point we all do. We cannot escape its grasp and membership is free and lifelong. It renews every year, like a demon reminding us that we are chained to him forever. We can’t be kicked out or voted out or evicted – though you really wish you could.
It’s the club of kids who’ve lost a parent.
I know friends who have been forced into this club way before my time of entry. I know of people who have stood by silently while my dad got sicker; knowing that I would soon become one of them, soon get my uniform that screams to the world “I‘VE LOST MY DAD“.
Losing a parent is heart wrenching, losing a parent who was your best friend, your most trusted confidant, well there are no words. It’s not heart wrenching, it’s not heart breaking – wrenches and breaks can be fixed or healed with time, they are temporary…losing my dad, that pain, that feeling…it will never disappear.
On Sunday, I will watch my friends celebrate their fathers and their husbands with pride and happiness, showering them with gifts or dinner or just a day off. I will read Facebook messages from friends wishing all the dads a Happy Fathers Day…accept mine; he won’t receive his Swiss Chalet or Keg dinner this year. Mine won’t get his M&M’s gift card, or “dad” parody t-shirt and he won’t be able to ask me for breakfast in bed – his Rice Krispies and OJ (which he ate every single day for the last 10 years of his life).
IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!
I want to scream and yell like toddlers throwing a tantrum, but what good would that do? I had my breakdown on Christmas day (5 months and 4 days after his passing) while I lied under the covers of the Ice Storm 2013. It helped bring me some peace – peace which I so desperately required that I would have given my left arm to have it, but now, six months later…screaming won’t help.
This is what you learn when you belong to this club…that once you have the initial breakdown, the ache, the longing, it stays with you, permanently in your whole body and you know it won’t go away – ever. Life is forever changed, because your best man is gone. No amount of tantrums, or screaming or panic will make it better…you have to accept this change and know that there will be good days and there will be bad days, but staying in bed doesn’t make it easier.
I want to wish my brother Paul, my Uncle Ed, my Uncle Glen and all the fathers who read my blog a very Happy Fathers Day. Your children are so blessed to have you, love them deeply and unconditionally forever.