Since I am
being slaughtered having surgery for cyst removal again next month, I needed a check up from my family doctor – ya the same woman who refused to sign my referral to the fertility clinic over a year ago – so I headed over with all my pre-op forms and waited somewhat impatiently for her to see me.
The first thing she wanted was my height/weight. Now listen, I am not a stupid woman, all my “thinner” clothes I bought when I was on weight watchers in 2011 don’t even come close to fitting me anymore and the “normal” clothes I’ve worn for a few years before and after the 2011, 25 pd weight loss, barely fit and most days I’m lucky if I can squeeze into the 18’s that have been antagonizing me, taunting me from the closet. I knew I had gained 20 pds back after my initial 25 pd weight loss, what I was not expecting was for Dr. B to tell me I had gained an additional 20 pds so I am 40 pds up from my 25 pds weight loss! WTF! I am disgusted…I look at my body from a distance, rarely naked, hoping magically I’ll wake up and this will have been a nightmare. I pray that I don’t need to be at weight watchers anymore, but now I know I do. Weight Watchers has been the only thing for me that helps me stay on track. It’s a slow, but maintained weight loss solution that I need to dedicate myself to again and as much as that completely sucks, it’s my fault. There is no one else to blame. My father died and I just didn’t care anymore about what I was eating, when I was eating or why I was eating. I hopped off the scale quickly and everything else she needed from me faded into the background, like white noise. All I could see was the number on the scale – a number I had never seen before. I was at my absolute heaviest ever.
I have surgery in two weeks so starting WW now would be foolish. I will begin the last week of September and work on getting this hunk of fat off my body. I will try not to complain. I will try not to wine and feel sorry for myself, but of course I will. I will forgive myself on those days though because I am not perfect and this will not be an easy or fun journey and its one I take alone.
What bothers me now is what do I do about my fertility treatments? Do I continue with IUI knowing I am not at a weight that ideally supports this? It will take months for me to lose the weight I need to (45-50 pds) – and even longer for me to lose the weight I want (about 75-80 pds). I can’t even fathom the idea of not trying to have little Koko once I’m healed from the surgery, but am I throwing away money and time to try to get pregnant as an overweight woman? I just don’t know. Maybe I should book a consult with my fertility doctor – I mean she would tell me wouldn’t she?? I just wish things were easier – but what’s the point of wishing…I need to make these dreams come true…I want to hold Koko in my arms and tell him or her how much they were wanted by their mommy. For now, I wait.
This next journey is surgery and seeing how (if) my body heals from it.