When my father passed in July 2013 I knew immediately that Christmas, for me, would never be the same. No matter how many traditions we kept or where we had our parties or how many gifts were under the tree, the meaning and spirit of Christmas ended in a final heartbeat. Last year Christmas was completely thrown off thank you very much Ice Storm 2013 and this year with my fathers house sold and gone, I was never going to experience Christmas again – not the same way I had celebrated it for 31 Christmas’s. I’m trying to enjoy it as much as I can, but really without little ones trying to shake presents and baking cookies for Santa, it’s hard to truly liven up and laugh and have joy.
I keep seeing my daughters eyes sparkle at the glistening lights and my sons mischievous grin as he plots to wait up for the big man in red, not knowing that Santa won’t come until he has long since fallen asleep. Where are my children you ask? I don’t know. They haven’t been born yet. They have yet to be conceived. My chance to be a mom hasn’t come. Everyone says this year will be my year, I will have a baby of my own next Christmas and my spirit wil return. It’s possible – sure. My womb could swell with life soon and I could be crying in relief in few short months, but I could also be like the other infertile women I know who are wondering why God is blessing others and not them.
My dear friend was afraid to tell me that her sister found out she was four months pregnant a few days ago because her sister did not want a fourth child – a fourth!! She took steps to prevent it, but clearly not enough. She is going to keep it of course and she will love it just like she does her other three beauties, but in reality this child was not planned. I’m not mad, I’m not pissed that she gets a fourth while I can’t get a first. I’m thrilled because she is a great mom and my friend is a great Aunt and her kids are great cousins. Sure I am jealous and frustrated, but angry…no. Children are a blessing and I am happy for the wonderful addition to her family.
Simba and I now to need to wait and see – will we get to expand our family of two? Will the presents under the tree be filled with toys and baby clothes? Will everyone be coming over to my place to see little koko bean, arms filled with pink or blue?
For now I am grateful that I got to spend time with my nieces and nephew over the holidays. I got to hug my aunt and uncle who live farther away. I made my pink salad and ate so many mozzarella sticks I thought Id be sick. I watched my dog and my brothers dog fight it out for hours. I had a good time.
I don’t know how many more single holidays I will be able to say that for. Nothing is the same. At least for now I can document this journey on my laptop because I, Nicole, got wifi!
Oh a blogging’ I will go!!