it was the fall of 1994, I was 13 and felt I was so mature that I could totally understand and appreciate love and relationships and no one could tell me anything. And that’s the year I fell for Noel, my first kiss and in all honesty my first boyfriend.
One day after school he pulled me under the large concrete stairs of our school and we were talking and getting to know about each other and he kissed me. Softly and sweetly and a very innocent fairy tale version of romance. We were 13, it didn’t go further, but we continued kissing a lot and getting to know each other for a few months (a long time in 7th grade!).
20 years, many failed relationships, lots of kisses and heart breaks later and I’m not that same believer in love and romance. The innocence of it all has passed, my faith has been shattered. I don’t even know when it happened. I think a long time ago, but it could have been just yesterday for all I know. I just stopped thinking of passionate love and started thinking the only thing that existed was passionate lust. Guys don’t plan that first special kiss the way Noel did when I was 13, they think about how much more can they get while that first kiss is taking place – and oh ya what’s the score of the hockey (football, basketball, baseball) game?
I’m 34 and jaded. My friends are married or in relationships and the ones that have been in long term relationships don’t fantasize about sweetness, they jump at the chance for a girls night, they relish alone time. Well, I have all that now. I see my girls all the time, I am alone ALL. THE. TIME. If that’s what my future holds then I think God how sad. The husbands aren’t any better. They don’t smile sweetly at their wives or flirt with their girlfriends, they work – a lot, they play sports, they go fishing. This is real life. Is that why I’m single? Is it because I always wanted the fairy tale? I wanted a man who loved me the way my daddy made me believe I deserved to be loved. I try and fight my friends, force them into romance, but the fact is I have watched one to many movies. If they had a (3 years later) in these movies I would see Ryan Gosling not kissing his love in the rain, but cussing out his woman for forgetting to bring home the milk and then going for a beer with the boys.
Kids don’t understand how great young love is!! Case in point: today I was teaching a bunch of teenagers how to pass job interviews…there was a pretty 16 year old in the front row and her male friend sat directly behind her. He was playing with her hair the whole time and the look of young love was in his big dark eyes. She was slightly blushing and every once in a while she would catch my eye and I couldn’t help but squint at her and wrinkle my nose thinking she has no idea how lucky she is to have someone who wants to play with her hair and smile and adore her from afar. At the same time, I was so happy to know that this is still happening 20 years later. It’s cute. Maybe I can be happy with old people romance and love if I can watch my kids live through young peoples version of love and romance.
How magical love and life is…stay tuned folks…maybe I’ll find a realistic love one day…maybe I’ll still be happy…