Bad news in general is a bummer, bad news on a Friday when you were expecting to be crying tears of joy, is a gut wrenching catastrophe. Okay maybe it’s not a catastrophe. There are women being raped and murdered all over the world, animals are being abused, children are going hungry and uneducated.
But I am not pregnant. Today I am choosing to be selfish and feel sad because I am not pregnant and that hurts, despite my brave smile and comforting words.
My fifth round of IUI and I have failed to become pregnant again. To add insult to agony – it was the nurse who I blame for not being pregnant that called and gave me the news (and yes I will be complaining about her to my doctor when I see her later this month and not allowing any nurse to inseminate me ever again). The words “I’m so sorry your test came back negative” are still – an hour later – ringing through my ears.
What a disappointment – this time especially. I have been a crazed woman with the new rounds of hormones and injections so I was really hoping it was going to have a happy ending. Instead, my colleagues and family get another month of me being off my game.
I have one vial of sperm left. I told myself when I started this that GOD FORBID I needed 6 vials I would ensure I had all 6 ready to go. I never planned for after. What happens if the 6 vials I bought don’t produce a baby? I was so sure that it would take 2, maybe 3 attempts. That I would be blessed with my own bundle of joy. But this is it. After my next cycle I am done. I know I could buy more vials, have more IUI’s but I don’t want to.
So then what? IVF? Adoption? Surrogacy? I have options…none of which make me happy. I really like the non invasive IUI strategy, but that’s not working. If after my next cycle my final vial doesn’t work then I am forced to figure out the next step. As of right now, I do not know what that step will be. I just know it won’t be IUI.
Today I want to go home, lie on the couch with Simba snuggled up next to me and watch movies. Tomorrow Agi is coming with me to Demetre’s cafe to wallow in my sadness with crepes and ice cream. If that can’t cheer me up – nothing will.
And tonight I am having a glass of wine – maybe two!