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Starting from the beginning…welcome

I found my first blog post on here, read it and started crying cause I remember the amazing feeling of telling my dad I was going to start this crazy journey.

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Welcome everyone who is reading this blog. I am truly fortunate to have you all in my world.  I started actually writing for this blog months ago.  I will post all of my writing now.  For you to read what has been going through my head from the beginning of this journey – my journey to be a mom.

June 21st, 2013 

I must have gone crazy right? 

The internet definition of a family is as follows: Noun –A group consisting of parents and children living together in a household 

Right now, as of June 21st, for me, that household consists of my father, Edward and me, Nicole.  I’m a 32-year-old female who has a great job that I love, friends whom I cherish more each day and an extended family that makes me laugh on a regular basis.  In a nutshell, I am blessed. 

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30 will one day be 50 – hopefully

Last night, as I was bawling watching Derek Shepherd die a tragic death on Greys Anatomy, I decided to scroll through my Facebook feed in the hopes of being cheered up!  I found an article I had to read.  It was titled “20 Things To Do When You’re 30 That Will Make Life Better At 50″ by Beth Buczynski. Being 34, and hoping to live a nice long life with those I love, I thought I would take a quick read and see what’s going on.  The article was interesting, not surprising really, but I thought I would digest it here anyway!

1. Don’t smoke. If you’ve started, stop immediately I have stopped smoking.  I stopped in September 2014 and I don’t see me realistically starting again.  It is expensive, it does make me smell and I am already having breathing troubles from other issues so what’s the point.  I may have the odd cigarette now and then, when I am stressed or annoyed or when I damn well feel like it, but I can’t see me ever being a smoker ever again.

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2. Stop eating crap This is my biggest downfall.  I eat crap all the time, everyday.  It is my Achilles heel.  I know this. I have tried to get past it, but I have failed time and again.  I will never give up trying to do better, but so far I am an EPIC failure.

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3. Maintain (or repair) relationships with parents and siblings My mom and I have a great relationship now, we didn’t always, but since 2012 we have been closer than ever.  My father, before he passed, was my best friend.  I am grateful for my parents.  My brother and I are what we are.  That relationship isn’t repairable with a few simple words, but I love him and I love his wife and I will spend as much time as humanly possible with them.

4. Stop going out in the sun without sunblock I wear sunblock all the time.  I am pale – white, with a tinge of pink.  I do tan in tanning beds and that is worse than natural sun so that I need to work on.  I try to only use them before a Caribbean vacation so I don’t burn while there, but they are addicting – even more so than cigarettes!  I love having a bronzed, feel-good body, but it’s awful for me and I am WELL aware of this.

5. Exercise regularly Like, number 2, this is my downfall.  I do not exercise – ever.  I barely walk except the dog once or twice over the weekend and I quit zumba, yoga and everything else I have tried.  I haven’t found my thing.  I want to.  I want to join a gym and have a trainer who will kick my ass Snookie Style, but so far that hasn’t happened.

6. Start saving money. Even if it’s just a tiny bit. I have done this.  I have a savings account, I have some small investments.  I need to work on stopping the spending, but I do have savings!untitled 2

7. Learn to be content with what you have. I have this problem, I always want more…more clothes, more furniture, more stuff…I have a ton of stuff.  I live alone and yet I have fully decorated my house to the point where if someone else moved in with me – you know like a freaking man – I don’t know where I would put his stuff.  I kinda wanna purge, but that takes a strength I don’t currently have.

8. Don’t delay pursuing your life goals. I bought a house, I bought a car, I paid off my debt, I have a great job and 2 degrees.  I want to have a husband, and in lieu of that, a child.  I have been trying with no success to have a baby of my own and I will keep trying.  I have been on every dating website known to man and I have not yet met that someone special, but I have not given up.  I will always pursue new goals.  In fact, one of my “musts” for a man is that he has goals he wants to pursue.

9. Get some sleep. I sleep – all the time.  Enough said.

10. Take care of your teeth I am starting to floss more and I am getting Invisilign to straighten out my bite so I am taking care of them more than I have in the past.  It’s costing me an arm and a leg, but I strongly dislike my teeth and I am excited to have them straight and then get them whitened.  Having quit smoking I can at least hope the yellow stains won’t reappear!

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11. Collect memories instead of things I’m working on it.  I am doing more with friends and I am taking pictures and scrapbooking everything.  I still collect things, but I am trying.

12. Give something back I have volunteered in the past – quite a bit, but I haven’t lately. I will look into it again when I have a child (or children) because I want them to have the desire to help others. I want to teach them the joy of giving back.

13. Be curious and do one thing that scares you every day I am curious by nature and I do new things – not every day, but a few times throughout the year for sure.  I have zip lined through the Dominican, walked around the edge of the CN Tower and swam with sharks!  I like to do things that scare me and I look forward to many more – memories right!!

14. Read at least 10 books a year I have already read ten books this year.  I am in a book club, guaranteeing I will read 12 per year, but I have taken on the #50bookspledge for 2015 and I am hoping to reach my goal – or at least come close!

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15. Travel. As much as possible, whenever you can. I do.  I love travelling!

16. Learn to meditate this is on my summer – to do list.  I feel meditation would help me a lot with my anxiety!

17. Do you Again, I do!  I only have me.  I will have to remind myself of this when I have a child and/or a husband!

18. Keep a journal I blog here and I scrapbook, which is like a mini journal because I use journalling cards for my Project Life scrapbook.

19. Become a homeowner. I am and it’s terrifying!  I love my house, but I don’t know how to do a lot of things and need to rely on others a lot.

20. Take care of your friends I do.  I see my friends regularly and I make a point of texting or reaching out to them as often as I can or remember to.  In fact I think I am gonna go text two of them now whom I haven’t seen or talked to lately!

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Seems I’m on a good track to turning 50 with a healthy outlook!

Love Nicole

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Ok Cupid, lets see what you’ve got

Okay Cupid, Lavalife, Plenty of Fish and even the paid sites like Match and Eharmony are all the exact same.  They are dating sites where a few good, honest people hoping to throw out their love net and make a good catch, but it’s the same place where a LOT of really cruel, damned people go to throw out their net of evil, burning and scarring everything it touches.

I have been burned a few times, both emotionally and mentally on these sites, but something happened a week or so ago that has made me wonder…have I maybe, just maybe got lucky?? A nice, good-looking, employed, funny guy started talking to me.  His name is J and he seems cool.  He sweet talks me all the time, texts and calls when he says he will and always messages me to say good morning and good night.  He makes me laugh and he makes me blush and I like him.  I am meeting him on Monday and if he turns out to be everything he says he is, I could possibly be falling for someone.

It has been since 2012 that I have been super attracted to a man and since 2010 that I have been in a long-term relationship – those are a lot of years to not feel anything romantic.  I know I have been honest with him, who I am , what I look like, that I am in a book club and I scrapbook and he likes that I have so many interests, but also that I am not a party girl, that I don’t really drink (he doesn’t either) or club.  He has seen multiple pictures of me (selfies and full body shots) so he knows what I look like – that I am no model, not even close, – that I am a larger woman who clearly enjoys a good meal and hasn’t seen the inside of a gym lately.  He likes me.  He is attracted to ME!  Most men aren’t.  I am okay with that – men (and women) are allowed to feel attracted to whom they are and my body type isn’t usually the preferred one for either genders so I have accepted it.  But J, he is.  At least from what he says to me.  So maybe?

It’s so sad to me that at 34 years of age I am questioning my own beauty, my own attractiveness – especially since this is the most confidant I have ever been, but I think that’s internal confidence that exudes out.  I am doubting J’s genuineness because of what I look like.  I am hoping he makes me see what he sees, I am hoping this all turns out amazing and a few months down the road I am blogging all over the place about him and how awesome this turned out to be – but I am so cautious.  Time will tell.  Am I worthy?  Yes, yes I am worthy – but will it happen?  That I don’t know.

Love

Nicole

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I’ve got a rant-and a story

It was June 1995 and I was close to graduating grade 8, leaving behind my friends and comfort to go to a high school where I would know only a handful of people and I can remember sitting in the cafeteria with my large group of rowdy friends and I saw the guidance counsellor heading towards my table.  I clearly remember her asking the friend next to me “what have you eaten today”?  When my friend broke down crying she was removed from the table and we didn’t see her again until a few days later.  My friend had a secret.  A secret I only learned about after school, but that had been affecting her for weeks.  She had anorexia.

I would say the majority of my girl friends at that time had an eating disorder of one kind or another because we were 13 & 14 and hormonal, all trying to impress the cute group of boys that went to our school.  However my friend, had taken it to an extreme level and her best friend had told on her.

After leaving Senior Public school, I had a whole summer ahead of me to think of nothing but ninth grade and what it would bring.  My self-confidence was shattering as I poked and prodded my flabby belly and tried hiding my double chin.  I was 14 and weighed 155 pounds.  I was humiliated.

I lived with my father and my brother at the time, my mom having left the year before.  My dad was trying to safely raise a teenage girl and my brother was busy with my (now) sister-in-law, so my depression had no outlet, I was out of control.  I became like my friend.  I stopped eating, I controlled the only thing I could – what I put in my mouth.  My dad never cooked and it was summer so I was outside a lot so it was easy to lie and say I had already eaten dinner or lunch and not get caught.  I rode my bike a lot and I drank a TON of water.  By September, I was 110 pounds and getting lots of attention.  Now, I don’t blame the anorexia for all the weight loss – I mean I did gain an inch and I’m sure my hormones were in full force so I lost a bunch of left over baby fat, but I was starving.

Of course I made new friends who had never known FAT me, so they thought nothing of it, but the few people who did follow me to my high school were shocked and of course started comparing me to the original girl in the story.  Long story short, I started eating again and became somewhat healthy again and slowly gained back some weight. My skinniest was 105 and I clearly remember having clothes that were a size 5 and still were a bit big on me.  By the time I graduated highschool 5 years later I had gained enough weight to be “normal”, about 145 pounds (10 pounds less than FAT me in June of 95).

Since then, I have gained all of it and more.  I am not going to tell you what my current weight is, because again, I am humiliated and ashamed.  I know I could easily stop eating and lose weight, anorexia is a life long illness; and I know I could start eating healthy and working out and probably lose weight, but both of those choices seem incredibly exhausting.  Because I have let myself go so much, and to such an extreme, it would take forever and it would hurt – both physically and mentally and emotionally it would hurt – like a bitch!

Everyday I need to tell myself to not be anorexic, to not take the easy way out.  Right now I am just to weak to do it the smart way – to lose weight in a healthy, non-life threatening way.  Thin people don’t understand.  FAT people who became thin don’t remember.  It. Is. Hard.  REALLY REALLY HARD.  Our society still does a lot of fat shaming and men (rightly so) still like a thinner, fitter woman.

The other day I read a story about a “celebrity” who had the opposite problem.  She is being “thin” shamed.  She is so skinny and people are calling her ugly and nasty and bone rack and other nonsense words and she has finally come out to explain that the medication she takes to keep her cancer free is causing her to not be able to gain weight.  CANCER FREE.  And people are thin shaming her.  I have to shake my head.  Why do people, especially women, have to hate so hard on each other?  Why can’t we just love and support each other where we are.  Where we fall on the spectrum?

I’ll tell you a secret.

Sometimes I don’t care that I am fat.  Sometimes pizza, fried chicken, chocolate, coke etc tastes better than thin would ever feel because I know if I was thin people would congratulate me and tell me how amazing I look.  You know what – I AM amazing now.  I may not look it, but on the inside, I am a fucking rock star and 70+ pounds doesn’t change that.  This celebrity who’s so thin – she’s pretty awesome now too and gaining 20+ pounds wouldn’t change that either.  I just hope she knows that because I do.

Love

Nicole