Okay Cupid, Lavalife, Plenty of Fish and even the paid sites like Match and Eharmony are all the exact same. They are dating sites where a few good, honest people hoping to throw out their love net and make a good catch, but it’s the same place where a LOT of really cruel, damned people go to throw out their net of evil, burning and scarring everything it touches.
I have been burned a few times, both emotionally and mentally on these sites, but something happened a week or so ago that has made me wonder…have I maybe, just maybe got lucky?? A nice, good-looking, employed, funny guy started talking to me. His name is J and he seems cool. He sweet talks me all the time, texts and calls when he says he will and always messages me to say good morning and good night. He makes me laugh and he makes me blush and I like him. I am meeting him on Monday and if he turns out to be everything he says he is, I could possibly be falling for someone.
It has been since 2012 that I have been super attracted to a man and since 2010 that I have been in a long-term relationship – those are a lot of years to not feel anything romantic. I know I have been honest with him, who I am , what I look like, that I am in a book club and I scrapbook and he likes that I have so many interests, but also that I am not a party girl, that I don’t really drink (he doesn’t either) or club. He has seen multiple pictures of me (selfies and full body shots) so he knows what I look like – that I am no model, not even close, – that I am a larger woman who clearly enjoys a good meal and hasn’t seen the inside of a gym lately. He likes me. He is attracted to ME! Most men aren’t. I am okay with that – men (and women) are allowed to feel attracted to whom they are and my body type isn’t usually the preferred one for either genders so I have accepted it. But J, he is. At least from what he says to me. So maybe?
It’s so sad to me that at 34 years of age I am questioning my own beauty, my own attractiveness – especially since this is the most confidant I have ever been, but I think that’s internal confidence that exudes out. I am doubting J’s genuineness because of what I look like. I am hoping he makes me see what he sees, I am hoping this all turns out amazing and a few months down the road I am blogging all over the place about him and how awesome this turned out to be – but I am so cautious. Time will tell. Am I worthy? Yes, yes I am worthy – but will it happen? That I don’t know.