Having two dogs for three days convinced me I want ONE child

I’m going to start this off by saying, that if I am blessed with twins, I will be extremely happy and love both children and have absolutely NO problem raising both babies…

On Tuesday my friend asked me if I could watch her 8-year-old Yorkie/Lhaso Apso mix until Friday so she could drive her daughter to University.  Of course, being available, I said yes!  I mean how much work could a second dog be?

Monty is a sweet little guy and since Simba (my cocker spaniel mix) couldn’t care less about other dogs, I was confidant it would be a fun few days – and it was!  The first night I had both dogs (who mostly ignored each other) I decided to take them for a walk.  I have only ever had one dog on a walk before, but I have walked probably a dozen different dogs in my life time, all of various sizes and temperaments so this should have been a piece of cake!  The walk started off great, they pushed forward, peeing on everything they passed and of course peeing over each others pee because they both were desperate to be pack leader!  Monty is older, but Simba is bigger and he took over as pack leader quite quickly, leading the walk and stopping the walk when he wanted it to stop.  The problem came when the leashes got tied up.  The dogs were going back and forth and at one point I had to take the leash off Simba because I couldn’t untangle them attached!  Coming home from that walk my amazing neighbors were out and both dogs went crazy trying to say hello to all four of the McKinnon clan!

I was worried about the sleep that night, not sure exactly if Monty would sleep on the bed or if he would try to jump off it and want to run around.  My fears were eased when he settled quickly in between my feet.  The problem came when Simba – who was snuggled into my armpit decided Monty was to close to me and leaped in between my legs and settled into a deep sleep.  Needless to say, my sleep was not a sound one.  Between Simba and Monty, I couldn’t move and decided better to try to sleep on my back than wake two sleeping dogs who were getting along.

Waking up Wednesday morning, both dogs were staying home all day because my mom was coming over so I took them outside to do their business and my mom said there were no messes when she came over!  Again, both dogs ignored each other all day – until I came home.  Both dogs then decided that it was time to play.  Simba wanted Monty’s rope toy and Monty also wanted his rope toy – until he found Simbas toy box in the kitchen.

This box has probably 10-12 toys in it and Monty pulled out each toy and brought each one to his little fluffy bed. When Simba clued into what he was doing, Simba pulled each toy out of the bed and dropped it on the floor – in front of the TV.  Within 30 minutes I had almost a dozen toys (including Monty’s rope and two toys I didn’t even know Simba had) scattered between the TV and Monty’s bed (about four feet).  Of course when I went to pick them all up, both dogs followed me looking fully annoyed I was cleaning up there party!  I put both dogs to bed early, ensuring they could NOT sleep in between me.

Thursday night, I decided to attempt mowing my newly sodded back yard while both dogs played around and I saw Monty walk up the side of yard, but the gate is never open so I knew he’d be fine and I kept mowing.  About five minutes later I realized I hadn’t seen him come back down yet and Simba was lying on the freshly mowed grass doing nothing so I went up the side and called Monty’s name – the gate was OPEN!  Of course panic set in and I ran out screaming his name looking up and down the street looking like a mad woman.  I can’t believe I had LOST a dog!!!!

I looked to my right and in the middle of the street stood Monty (about 8 houses down!).  I called his name, and instead of coming to me, he walked towards the boulevard and pee’d on a tree and then walked back across the street FULLY ignoring me!

I ran over to him and he tried to run away but I used my angry teacher voice and he stopped and sat down.  I picked him up and lectured him about running away (cause you know dogs totally understand English!) and brought him back home.  After that, play time was over.  We went inside and shortly later went to bed.

Today I dropped Monty back off at his home and gave him lots of kisses goodbye.  It was fun having another dog around, especially one who is so playful, but I’m grateful for Simba and I think one dog is more than enough for me!

Now, what does this have to do with children you ask???

I always assumed, if I was successful with my IUI, that I would keep a vile of sperm from the same donor so I could have a second child and my kids would be biologically related, but sometimes having one is enough. I have thought having a second dog would be awesome, and it was fun, but it wasn’t awesome, it was exhausting…Simba is MORE than enough dog for me to care for!  I am single and I have a lot of love to give, but I think my love, time, patience and strength would best be spread out to one child (and one dog).  Having two (alone) would be hard, a lot harder than I really need or particularly want it to be.  If I do find an amazing man than a second or third child even would be great, but if it’s just me, I’ll stick to my beautiful Koko Bean and be overjoyed with them.




Why I fear I’ll never have a baby

When you are going through artificial insemination and have had 5 unsuccessful attempts (2 medicated), you start to think – is it me?  Am I not meant to be a mother?  Can I accept that reality?  Can I financially afford IVF – can I emotionally not afford it?  From the earliest memories I have, I knew I was going to be a mommy.  All I wanted was to be a stay at home mom raising my children and taking care of my home and my husband.  Those dreams have shifted, since to this point the “husband” part of those dreams didn’t work out.  I independently, head strong and bravely went about the route so many women have to take and we go about it all alone.

But it hasn’t worked out for me.  Yet.

I decided to look back at my cycle, as I’ve always been pretty regular between 28-30 days with a 7 day period.  Lately, that hasn’t been the case – so I went back 6 months (February 2015) and I am troubled by what I have found.

February – Day 26 with a 4 day period

March – day 26 with a 9 day period (ya I remember this shitty month)

April – day 31 with a 5 day period

May – day 22 with an 8 day period (again, I was miserable for a while!)

June – day 44 with a 7 day period

July – day 33 with a 6 day period

August – I am going on day 36 with no period in site…

How is someone supposed to get pregnant when her cycle is so messed up? When the hell am I even ovulating?  I have no man in my life, no man who wants to be a part of the amazing world I have started to build myself so what do I do…

I call my doctor.  I need to see her and show her whats been going on…I need another round of cycle monitoring, I need to nip this in the bud!  I can’t go another year childless. How is it that women who don’t want children get pregnant and women that want nothing more than to carry her own baby struggles and risks everything to have what should come so naturally?

I’ll keep you all posted what the doctor says…




September is coming


Today is August 20th!!  which means in 11 days, August is over, done, finished, not to be seen again for 11 more months.  However, with the loss of August, we get September, which is one of my favorite months!  Not only does it bring about birthday season (easily 70-80% of friends celebrate their birthdays between September and December), but other things I love too like warm days and cool nights, apple picking, and the new thing I am looking forward to – Crop and Create Cornwall!  Last March I went to the C&C Markham and had so much fun, I knew I would be doing it again once September rolled around – though this time I’d be getting scrappy in Cornwall ON, much farther away from home.

September is a pretty busy month for me, though I am not complaining, because October I am having that damn dreaded surgery AGAIN and I plan on enjoying and not wasting ONE single September day.

Some of the girls I work with have invited me to join their annual CNE trip after work, so on September 2nd, I will be at the Canadian National Exhibition with some of the funniest, sweetest women I know stuffing my face full of yummy treats and trying to win myself a prize at one of the Midway games.  I haven’t been to the CNE in a few years and that was with my god-daughter so it wasn’t really grown up fun that I got to have!

The next day on the 3rd, my work bestie and I will be at the newest Cirque show to come to Toronto and will be amazed (I’m sure) by the stunts in Varekai!  Thankfully I am off on the 4th, because I can only imagine after two crazy nights with people I adore I will need a break.

I will be picking up Simba and heading to the cottage for a four-day long weekend since that Monday is also Labour Day!  It may be my last weekend at the cottage – at least to stay – because I have a lot of cleaning and stuff to complete before October 1st when I have my surgery and a few other events happening on weekends between Labour Day and Surgery Day.

The cottage will be great if the weather holds out for the long weekend and I am sure there will be events and activities to take part in as it’s the resorts last big weekend before the kiddies head back to school!  Kim and her family should be up hopefully so I will have lots of company with more shenanigans taking place!

After that, I have a series of birthdays – so I am assuming a lot of dinners will be happening.  On the 7th, Kim will celebrate her (29th?) birthday and Brendan will be (35).  I want to see and celebrate both of them at some point cause they are people who mean a lot to me!  My best friend Kristi who I never see anymore, but whom I think about EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. will turn 34 and no matter what or when, I will kiss and squeeze her on her special day!  My brother will be (42) on the 18th, so either the Keg or Makimono I am sure will be had and the family will get together to celebrate him.  a few days later on the 21st, my god son turns (11?) – i am horrible with ages, great with dates – and for sure I will spoil him rotten.  That next weekend is my C&C with Sarah, Kristin and the Rochester beauties and that will round out a pretty awesome month!

Because the first week is so jam packed with events and shows and cottage fun, I am going to do a “week in the life” project life style album at my C&C event with the one and only Becky Higgins whose class I am taking Friday night! I am hoping to have some really amazing pictures that remind me of closing out summer so I can remember when I am in 3 feet of snow and -20 degree temperatures, that better times are on the horizon!


Summer has been pretty great so far…but I have 11 days left to enjoy the beauty that August always brings…so I’m off to do just that, but driving up to my cottage tonight for another long weekend!


Love Nicole


Dear Diary

Growing up, nothing excited me more than picking out a new journal, a place where I would write all my thoughts and feelings and secrets and gossip.  I have always loved to write-hence the blogging (I had another blog prior to this one http://www.nikilee30.wordpress.com for those of you readers who didn’t know me prior to 2013).

I have had multiple journals throughout the years and while I didn’t save all of them, I did save 4.  One from middle school, two which outlines my first two years of high school and one which goes through the drama of my first two years of University.  I decided last night, too exhausted to really be productive that I would read through these journals and relive (reminisce) about my past.

I kinda wished I hadn’t. 

The books were filled with boy drama…especially my high school books and university books.  I had a long-term relationship with C in high school, that looking back, was emotionally abusive and destructive.  I allowed him to manipulate me and treat me like dirt. Not only did I allow it, I kept coming back for more! I was a second thought to him – never a priority.  This was my first love, my first everything and looking back over the stories, the scenarios that occurred over our two years together, I cannot imagine me ever being happy.  But I was…I’m sure I was.  Or did I just ignore the massive red flags flying around my head in order to be in a relationship??  I was young, smart, attractive, thin, outgoing – I had the whole world at my finger tips and I let myself be beat down emotionally (never physically, C NEVER laid a hand on me, nor would he ever have done so) for two years when I should have been flying high!

In University, things changed, I was in love – true love.  I had been in a year-long relationship with M, but distance (and difference of religion) was a killer.  Especially when you are young.  People change, priorities change.  Over the first two years of University M and I broke up, and made up, three times.  I dated one boy in between – he dated two girls in between.  He lied to me.  I caught him in a lie that broke my heart, but my sad desperation to not lose him allowed me to forget the lie and just be happy when he showed me attention.  Now these two stories are very different.  M didn’t treat me cruelly in the same sense that C did, but he didn’t treat me the way I deserved either.  I’m positive I didn’t treat him the way he deserved either, but I never lied.  I told him when I started dating the new guy and was honest when I felt things weren’t going to work (again).

My journals revealed a history of allowing men to lie to me, to speak harsh words to me, of ME not sticking up for ME.  I was angered by these journals, I wanted to throw them out – to dash them across the room!  How dare these men treat me a certain way…

I started to think about my more recent relationships, and while I may not have journals to substantiate my fears, I can remember times where I would cry myself to sleep.  I have this whole history of allowing men to treat me like I am inferior.  It’s so strange, because in general, I am a strong, independent woman, but when it comes to men, I have taken a lot of shit.  Who hasn’t.

I did not come on here to trash any ex of mine, I totally allowed them to treat me in certain ways, but it’s really just to remind myself how much I deserve.  I am single for MANY reasons, but I have to think, at some point maybe these guys just got tired of me being a doormat for their drama…all women and all men deserve love, not one more than another, and I pray that my future daughter(s) have more guts and gumption then I did, but for now I am going to forgive my younger self and move on.  I am going to accept my past with the knowledge that my future will look much different.  I am going to re-read this blog when I am feeling down, when I am feeling taken advantage of, when I am feeling desperate for love and attention.

High school taught me a lot – some of it academic, some of it social, but the most important thing I learned was that I can change who I am when I want to – at any given time.

I am glad I re-read my journals, glad I forced myself to relive some pretty crazy times that charted my path, but that chapter is closed and since I don’t talk to C at all and rarely to M, I clearly made it out alive and well.

Also, I realized my printing can be deplorable – and I am SUPER dramatic and silly – and the fact that my dad and I didn’t kill each other is a pure miracle!!

Love Nicole