Growing up, nothing excited me more than picking out a new journal, a place where I would write all my thoughts and feelings and secrets and gossip. I have always loved to write-hence the blogging (I had another blog prior to this one http://www.nikilee30.wordpress.com for those of you readers who didn’t know me prior to 2013).
I have had multiple journals throughout the years and while I didn’t save all of them, I did save 4. One from middle school, two which outlines my first two years of high school and one which goes through the drama of my first two years of University. I decided last night, too exhausted to really be productive that I would read through these journals and relive (reminisce) about my past.
I kinda wished I hadn’t.
The books were filled with boy drama…especially my high school books and university books. I had a long-term relationship with C in high school, that looking back, was emotionally abusive and destructive. I allowed him to manipulate me and treat me like dirt. Not only did I allow it, I kept coming back for more! I was a second thought to him – never a priority. This was my first love, my first everything and looking back over the stories, the scenarios that occurred over our two years together, I cannot imagine me ever being happy. But I was…I’m sure I was. Or did I just ignore the massive red flags flying around my head in order to be in a relationship?? I was young, smart, attractive, thin, outgoing – I had the whole world at my finger tips and I let myself be beat down emotionally (never physically, C NEVER laid a hand on me, nor would he ever have done so) for two years when I should have been flying high!
In University, things changed, I was in love – true love. I had been in a year-long relationship with M, but distance (and difference of religion) was a killer. Especially when you are young. People change, priorities change. Over the first two years of University M and I broke up, and made up, three times. I dated one boy in between – he dated two girls in between. He lied to me. I caught him in a lie that broke my heart, but my sad desperation to not lose him allowed me to forget the lie and just be happy when he showed me attention. Now these two stories are very different. M didn’t treat me cruelly in the same sense that C did, but he didn’t treat me the way I deserved either. I’m positive I didn’t treat him the way he deserved either, but I never lied. I told him when I started dating the new guy and was honest when I felt things weren’t going to work (again).
My journals revealed a history of allowing men to lie to me, to speak harsh words to me, of ME not sticking up for ME. I was angered by these journals, I wanted to throw them out – to dash them across the room! How dare these men treat me a certain way…
I started to think about my more recent relationships, and while I may not have journals to substantiate my fears, I can remember times where I would cry myself to sleep. I have this whole history of allowing men to treat me like I am inferior. It’s so strange, because in general, I am a strong, independent woman, but when it comes to men, I have taken a lot of shit. Who hasn’t.
I did not come on here to trash any ex of mine, I totally allowed them to treat me in certain ways, but it’s really just to remind myself how much I deserve. I am single for MANY reasons, but I have to think, at some point maybe these guys just got tired of me being a doormat for their drama…all women and all men deserve love, not one more than another, and I pray that my future daughter(s) have more guts and gumption then I did, but for now I am going to forgive my younger self and move on. I am going to accept my past with the knowledge that my future will look much different. I am going to re-read this blog when I am feeling down, when I am feeling taken advantage of, when I am feeling desperate for love and attention.
High school taught me a lot – some of it academic, some of it social, but the most important thing I learned was that I can change who I am when I want to – at any given time.
I am glad I re-read my journals, glad I forced myself to relive some pretty crazy times that charted my path, but that chapter is closed and since I don’t talk to C at all and rarely to M, I clearly made it out alive and well.
Also, I realized my printing can be deplorable – and I am SUPER dramatic and silly – and the fact that my dad and I didn’t kill each other is a pure miracle!!