Why I fear I’ll never have a baby

When you are going through artificial insemination and have had 5 unsuccessful attempts (2 medicated), you start to think – is it me?  Am I not meant to be a mother?  Can I accept that reality?  Can I financially afford IVF – can I emotionally not afford it?  From the earliest memories I have, I knew I was going to be a mommy.  All I wanted was to be a stay at home mom raising my children and taking care of my home and my husband.  Those dreams have shifted, since to this point the “husband” part of those dreams didn’t work out.  I independently, head strong and bravely went about the route so many women have to take and we go about it all alone.

But it hasn’t worked out for me.  Yet.

I decided to look back at my cycle, as I’ve always been pretty regular between 28-30 days with a 7 day period.  Lately, that hasn’t been the case – so I went back 6 months (February 2015) and I am troubled by what I have found.

February – Day 26 with a 4 day period

March – day 26 with a 9 day period (ya I remember this shitty month)

April – day 31 with a 5 day period

May – day 22 with an 8 day period (again, I was miserable for a while!)

June – day 44 with a 7 day period

July – day 33 with a 6 day period

August – I am going on day 36 with no period in site…

How is someone supposed to get pregnant when her cycle is so messed up? When the hell am I even ovulating?  I have no man in my life, no man who wants to be a part of the amazing world I have started to build myself so what do I do…

I call my doctor.  I need to see her and show her whats been going on…I need another round of cycle monitoring, I need to nip this in the bud!  I can’t go another year childless. How is it that women who don’t want children get pregnant and women that want nothing more than to carry her own baby struggles and risks everything to have what should come so naturally?

I’ll keep you all posted what the doctor says…

Love

Nicole

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2 thoughts on “Why I fear I’ll never have a baby

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