Babies babies everywhere

It’s Christmas time and I have had 3 friends announce their pregnancies in the past two weeks.  These friends almost seem anxious about telling me because – obvious – I can’t have my own biological child at this point so I must hate hearing about it?!

NO!  Not at all…my journey may be harder or longer, but I’ll get my baby at some point and in the mean time I have wonderful friends and the more their families grow, the more kidlets I have to love and future friends of my own Koko bean.

The world needs to grow with love so the more babies my friends (who are all awesome people) have, the more love this world will have!

Merry Christmas everyone, I can’t wait to update you all in the new year about my challenges and hopeful successes!

We are all blessed in so many ways and I am grateful to have friends who are not only concerned about my feelings, but who keep expanding my Christmas list every year!!

Love Nicole


My secret that I can’t hold in anymore

I am not fertile…supposedly.  I had an AMH test (blood test)completed a few months ago and sadly it didn’t go my way.  I am not surprised by this outcome.  For almost 15 years I have had a weird gut instinct that I would never have my own children – biological children that is.  I have watched friend after friend look at a man and wind up pregnant and while I have never actively tried to get pregnant with ex-boyfriends, we weren’t always careful.  I have also had 5 unsuccessful IUI’s, 2 of which were medicated with hormones that turned me into a raging crazy lady.

So ya there is that.

I don’t feel any ways about it.  I am numb towards it and in fact I haven’t even seen my fertility doctor since the phone call that confirmed my most horrible fears. I have cried tears, tears that seemed never ending.  Tears that were for me, for my family, for my dad – who regardless would never meet his grandchild.  I am sure there will be therapist visits in the near future, I am a total believer in therapy and I have an amazing therapist whom I trust and respect so in the new year, I will book in to see her.

An even stronger emotion though that I have been feeling is hope.  Hope for adoption.  I have always considered adoption to be this amazing selfless gift one gives to themselves, but I had no idea where to look.  I did what all millennials do – I googled it. I was steered to the Adoption Council of Ontario and on November 11th I attended and information night ($50) where I was told about Public, Private and International adoption.  There is just something that is guiding my heart towards international adoption – in Haiti – so I looked up Mission of Tears (myadoption.ca) and it seems that a single woman (over 35, which I turn in January) can adopt a child 6 months and older.  The thing that tears me apart is it takes 30-38 months for the whole process to complete and that is a long time to hold my child in my arms and feel their soft skin against mine.

I looked up an adoption practitioner in Ajax because I need to complete a home study and PRIDE classes before Haiti even is a possibility and thankfully he responded quickly and I will be meeting with him in January.  The PRIDE classes will be in early April and I am hoping to complete my home study by early summer.  I have a lot of questions, I am sure many of you do too, but that’s why I am meeting him in January.

I know this…I feel very strongly about this.  I refuse to look at what I cannot change and what will not be.  I have been through the gamete of emotions, but for this…this feels right.

Financially this will be hard.  I have just enough to get through it I hope, but I may look at some fundraising opportunities and of course may start asking for money for Christmas and birthdays to help cover these costs (the PRIDE class alone is $700.00!), but I need to do this.  I need to do this for me and for my Koko bean.

I will be updating this blog, but of course I need to ensure confidentiality until that little baby is mine so please don’t expect to much, but what I can share, I will.  I thank you all for sharing your journeys with me and supporting me in mine.




0 to 2

My friend K wanted to take her mother to Vegas with her husband for a few days and asked me to watch her two most precious possessions – her 5 year old son C and her 20 month old daughter M.  Our other friend E was going to watch them Friday and Saturday while I was Black Friday shopping and I would pick them up Sunday, take C to swimming lessons and then take care of them for the next three days except when they were in daycare/school and I was at work.  Of course I agreed, I love those kids and I wanted my friend to feel calm and have fun knowing her children were in good, safe hands while she was celebrating her mom!

So on Sunday morning, I went from having zero responsibility to full responsibility for two sweet little lives.

Now this isn’t my first rodeo with children.  I have lots of little kidlets I have babysat in the past; and at times my nieces and nephew, while growing up, lived at my dads house so I saw routines being created and heard the temper tantrums, cries in the middle of the night and screams when one was hurt – numerous times!!  However, being solely responsible for not one but TWO actual lives for almost 72 hours is something I hadn’t really thought of.


The first night I had them, C was coughing during the night I knew he was alive and well one bedroom over, but last night – no coughing!  I thought for sure I had killed him.  I got up three times in the middle of the night to check his chest to make sure he was breathing – ya I am clearly crazy tired!

Getting C to his swimming class was a chore, only because it was warm in the building so I was holding my large purse filled with a diaper, wipes, a toy, a drink and snacks, three jackets, a bag with a towel and of course holding M’s little hand who was grasping tightly to three little stuffed animals (she totally stole my stuffed animals, what a thief!).  While C was swimming, M sat in a chair eating a chocolate chip bear paw, drinking her bottle of water and hugging MY stuffies.  She was great.  When it was time to get C, we walked into the change room, I asked M to stay by me while I helped C get dressed and she did!  SUCCESS!

I have not had one tear over missing mommy or daddy thank goodness because K and I were both positive M would BAWL her little eyes out cause she is very anxious around people that aren’t her parents.  But as of this mornings drop off she has been full of smiles and giggles.

One thing that has been a saving grace, is that M wants to eat all the time.  Yogurt, cookies, grilled cheese, pb and j, toast, water, milk, pudding, teddy grahams, apple…it doesn’t matter…she will eat it and I swear she has NO END.  Such a tiny little cutie and she just eats and doesn’t stop until I tell her no more!  This morning she ate her breakfast and all of C’s crust from his pb on toast.

I have learned that while routines are important and must be established, it’s important to be flexible…C is a sloooowwwww riser, he doesn’t move quickly or want to get dressed or eat his breakfast so having his clothes ready and breakfast made before even trying to wake him was mandatory!  M wakes quickly and of course will eat as soon as her eyes open and will let me dress her immediately so with her I didn’t need to be SO prepared.

Tonight, the parents come back.  I will miss the joy of kissing the kids goodnight and good morning, I will miss the hugs and the smiles.  I will however, enjoy a good night sleep tonight and will hopefully dream of the little baby boy or girl I hope to adopt (more on that later) in 2016/17.

What a great experience to have…thanks K!



P.S C said he wants to marry me so I can buy him lots of toys in the Toys R Us flyer…uh huh, I am loved 😉