My secret that I can’t hold in anymore

I am not fertile…supposedly.  I had an AMH test (blood test)completed a few months ago and sadly it didn’t go my way.  I am not surprised by this outcome.  For almost 15 years I have had a weird gut instinct that I would never have my own children – biological children that is.  I have watched friend after friend look at a man and wind up pregnant and while I have never actively tried to get pregnant with ex-boyfriends, we weren’t always careful.  I have also had 5 unsuccessful IUI’s, 2 of which were medicated with hormones that turned me into a raging crazy lady.

So ya there is that.

I don’t feel any ways about it.  I am numb towards it and in fact I haven’t even seen my fertility doctor since the phone call that confirmed my most horrible fears. I have cried tears, tears that seemed never ending.  Tears that were for me, for my family, for my dad – who regardless would never meet his grandchild.  I am sure there will be therapist visits in the near future, I am a total believer in therapy and I have an amazing therapist whom I trust and respect so in the new year, I will book in to see her.

An even stronger emotion though that I have been feeling is hope.  Hope for adoption.  I have always considered adoption to be this amazing selfless gift one gives to themselves, but I had no idea where to look.  I did what all millennials do – I googled it. I was steered to the Adoption Council of Ontario and on November 11th I attended and information night ($50) where I was told about Public, Private and International adoption.  There is just something that is guiding my heart towards international adoption – in Haiti – so I looked up Mission of Tears ( and it seems that a single woman (over 35, which I turn in January) can adopt a child 6 months and older.  The thing that tears me apart is it takes 30-38 months for the whole process to complete and that is a long time to hold my child in my arms and feel their soft skin against mine.

I looked up an adoption practitioner in Ajax because I need to complete a home study and PRIDE classes before Haiti even is a possibility and thankfully he responded quickly and I will be meeting with him in January.  The PRIDE classes will be in early April and I am hoping to complete my home study by early summer.  I have a lot of questions, I am sure many of you do too, but that’s why I am meeting him in January.

I know this…I feel very strongly about this.  I refuse to look at what I cannot change and what will not be.  I have been through the gamete of emotions, but for this…this feels right.

Financially this will be hard.  I have just enough to get through it I hope, but I may look at some fundraising opportunities and of course may start asking for money for Christmas and birthdays to help cover these costs (the PRIDE class alone is $700.00!), but I need to do this.  I need to do this for me and for my Koko bean.

I will be updating this blog, but of course I need to ensure confidentiality until that little baby is mine so please don’t expect to much, but what I can share, I will.  I thank you all for sharing your journeys with me and supporting me in mine.




8 thoughts on “My secret that I can’t hold in anymore

  1. I wish I could just give you a hug right this second! However it turns out and whatever you choose to do, you will have our unconditional love and support.

  2. So sorry Nicole. You deserve the world and I’m sorry things weren’t able to work out as planned. If you need anything PLEASE let us know. We love you and support your decision. 🙂

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your AMH levels. I wish they would have checked it before all the IUIs. So looking forward to your adoption journey. You will be a great mom no matter how your baby comes into your life.

  4. Never give up hope…doctors and blood tests are sometimes wrong and sometimes when the timing is right…that which is meant to be will be!!!!
    Send the universe the message that parenting you are capable and will do!

    • Thanks Yas! If I ever find a man for sure we’ll try but I can’t keep paying into inseminations that aren’t working! I’ll keep my faith for the future. Miss you around here!

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