Three years of not celebrating

This Sunday will be my third year of not celebrating Fathers Day.  There will be no McDonald’s breakfast that puts a smile on his face from ear to ear with an excited “oh goodie”.  There will be no opening of cards with heart felt sentiments (though I still have the card I bought him for Fathers Day 2014 early, because I loved the verse inside and never in a million years assumed he wouldn’t open it).  There will be no eye rolling on my behalf as he acts disappointed that there is no money inside even though he knows if I had money at the time I would have spent it on shoes or Makimono.  There will be no Keg dinner, telling us the Prime Rib tastes better because he didn’t pay for it.

None of this has happened for the past two years and it won’t happen this year either.  He passed away.  He left this earth – an angel – no longer in pain.  The pain is now ours.  His family who loved him.  His granddaughters who suffer with his loss and shed a tear when they remember how much they miss him; his ex-wife who has stepped up in a big way to take care of their only daughter and be everything to her that he was.  And me.  I still feel like an island, on my own most of the time to try and figure out this world without you – at the same time so angry that I have to.

At work we have a raffle for a car wash kit for father’s day.  I have been asked to buy a ticket and seen the look in my colleagues eyes when they realize I won’t be giving a gift for father’s day this year – or any year – but what they don’t realize is my father didn’t drive the last two years of his life anyway because Diabetes took his sight.  However, I do have a car and it’s filthy!  I would totally love a car wash kit and I will give myself the opportunity to win this prize because that’s an awesome prize!!!

It makes me sad to think that my child won’t have a father  –  at least not right away.  It makes me sadder though to know my child won’t have him as a grandfather!  He would have loved my child, biological or not, to the very depth of his core!  I can’t wait to tell my child stories and show them pictures, keep his memory alive for generations to come!

Love

Nicole

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