1

What a week

It’s Thursday…this week isn’t even over and I have been specially blessed TWICE!  Some weeks are normal, boring even…some weeks I see and feel heartache and sadness, but this week – this week is great!

First, my cousin Matt and his lovely fiance safely had their second little boy delivered by C-Section at 9 pds and 15 ounces!  I know – a big boy!  James Gordon and I met on Tuesday and snuggled for well over an hour.  His newness and sweetness radiating off of him and of course putting him down left an aching that I never fully recover from.  I know that having a newborn is not a part of my journey – but sometimes, when I let me weaknesses role in, sometimes it still bites.

Second – and this is MY good news – I am ADOPT READY in Ontario, meaning my ministry has put the stamp on my home study and once my dossier is complete I can submit my final documents to my adoption agency for translation.  My first meeting with my practitioner was all the way back in January and now – 10 months later, I am adopt ready!  I know I still have a year or more of waiting for referral, but this crucial step is complete.  I can breathe a sigh of relief.  My government is not standing in the way between my child having a mother.

Thank you God.

Love Nicole

Advertisements
0

Having two dogs for three days convinced me I want ONE child

I’m going to start this off by saying, that if I am blessed with twins, I will be extremely happy and love both children and have absolutely NO problem raising both babies…

On Tuesday my friend asked me if I could watch her 8-year-old Yorkie/Lhaso Apso mix until Friday so she could drive her daughter to University.  Of course, being available, I said yes!  I mean how much work could a second dog be?

Monty is a sweet little guy and since Simba (my cocker spaniel mix) couldn’t care less about other dogs, I was confidant it would be a fun few days – and it was!  The first night I had both dogs (who mostly ignored each other) I decided to take them for a walk.  I have only ever had one dog on a walk before, but I have walked probably a dozen different dogs in my life time, all of various sizes and temperaments so this should have been a piece of cake!  The walk started off great, they pushed forward, peeing on everything they passed and of course peeing over each others pee because they both were desperate to be pack leader!  Monty is older, but Simba is bigger and he took over as pack leader quite quickly, leading the walk and stopping the walk when he wanted it to stop.  The problem came when the leashes got tied up.  The dogs were going back and forth and at one point I had to take the leash off Simba because I couldn’t untangle them attached!  Coming home from that walk my amazing neighbors were out and both dogs went crazy trying to say hello to all four of the McKinnon clan!

I was worried about the sleep that night, not sure exactly if Monty would sleep on the bed or if he would try to jump off it and want to run around.  My fears were eased when he settled quickly in between my feet.  The problem came when Simba – who was snuggled into my armpit decided Monty was to close to me and leaped in between my legs and settled into a deep sleep.  Needless to say, my sleep was not a sound one.  Between Simba and Monty, I couldn’t move and decided better to try to sleep on my back than wake two sleeping dogs who were getting along.

Waking up Wednesday morning, both dogs were staying home all day because my mom was coming over so I took them outside to do their business and my mom said there were no messes when she came over!  Again, both dogs ignored each other all day – until I came home.  Both dogs then decided that it was time to play.  Simba wanted Monty’s rope toy and Monty also wanted his rope toy – until he found Simbas toy box in the kitchen.

This box has probably 10-12 toys in it and Monty pulled out each toy and brought each one to his little fluffy bed. When Simba clued into what he was doing, Simba pulled each toy out of the bed and dropped it on the floor – in front of the TV.  Within 30 minutes I had almost a dozen toys (including Monty’s rope and two toys I didn’t even know Simba had) scattered between the TV and Monty’s bed (about four feet).  Of course when I went to pick them all up, both dogs followed me looking fully annoyed I was cleaning up there party!  I put both dogs to bed early, ensuring they could NOT sleep in between me.

Thursday night, I decided to attempt mowing my newly sodded back yard while both dogs played around and I saw Monty walk up the side of yard, but the gate is never open so I knew he’d be fine and I kept mowing.  About five minutes later I realized I hadn’t seen him come back down yet and Simba was lying on the freshly mowed grass doing nothing so I went up the side and called Monty’s name – the gate was OPEN!  Of course panic set in and I ran out screaming his name looking up and down the street looking like a mad woman.  I can’t believe I had LOST a dog!!!!

I looked to my right and in the middle of the street stood Monty (about 8 houses down!).  I called his name, and instead of coming to me, he walked towards the boulevard and pee’d on a tree and then walked back across the street FULLY ignoring me!

I ran over to him and he tried to run away but I used my angry teacher voice and he stopped and sat down.  I picked him up and lectured him about running away (cause you know dogs totally understand English!) and brought him back home.  After that, play time was over.  We went inside and shortly later went to bed.

Today I dropped Monty back off at his home and gave him lots of kisses goodbye.  It was fun having another dog around, especially one who is so playful, but I’m grateful for Simba and I think one dog is more than enough for me!

Now, what does this have to do with children you ask???

I always assumed, if I was successful with my IUI, that I would keep a vile of sperm from the same donor so I could have a second child and my kids would be biologically related, but sometimes having one is enough. I have thought having a second dog would be awesome, and it was fun, but it wasn’t awesome, it was exhausting…Simba is MORE than enough dog for me to care for!  I am single and I have a lot of love to give, but I think my love, time, patience and strength would best be spread out to one child (and one dog).  Having two (alone) would be hard, a lot harder than I really need or particularly want it to be.  If I do find an amazing man than a second or third child even would be great, but if it’s just me, I’ll stick to my beautiful Koko Bean and be overjoyed with them.

Love

Nicole

3

A few more days

I have not taken hormones before to try to get pregnant.  In fact, this past month has been such an out of focus blur I cannot even remember the names of the medications I was on trying to encourage my little eggs to drop down the rabbit hole!  I know right now, now that I have been inseminated that I am taking a progesterone suppository twice-a-day every day until my pregnancy test.  I will have the results for you all next week.

I don’t know if it is the progesterone, the time change from the weekend past or the fact that I may well and be pregnant, but I am not me.  I am easy to anger, tense, annoyed, bloated, gassy (sorry), and I have not had a full night sleep in over in a week which is only intensifying the above issues.  All I want to eat is everything that I know me, as a large woman, is being chastised for.  And you know what – I. DON’T. CARE!  See – I’m annoyed just thinking of someone commenting on the fact that I had, and enjoyed, birthday cake frosting pop tarts for breakfast yesterday.

I am not drinking wine (or any alcohol) even though I know I am allowed to, because if I am pregnant I don’t want to.  But this weekend, if I find out I failed again (and yes I consider not being pregnant the most epic of failures) I will be enjoying a large glass of white wine.  I am not an alcoholic, I barely ever drink, but when I go out for dinner I want a glass of wine to enjoy right along with my lovely meal and I have been out a few times this week, including last night, and drinking water and iced tea doesn’t quite cut it – especially when WHO KNOWS??!!

My other problem is, because I am taking the progesterone, I am trying desperately hard not to take any more medication like Advil for my awful headaches I get in the morning, allergy pills to ease the congestion I get from Simba or ZZZQuil to help me actually get some sleep.  I am being good – really good – and my fear and frustration is that it could be for nothing.

I have lots of little signs that I haven’t had before with past inseminations…but being one week and a few days pregnant doesn’t give you symptoms, so most likely it’s from the hormones…I just wish I could have a big sign that says HEY LADY YOU ARE PREGNANT – KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  WOOT WOOT!  Wouldn’t that be awesome!  A little red-faced angel comes down with a card (or arrow) for you…and BAMN you’re pregnant.  Nature doesn’t do things quite so easily or even close to what I would call quickly!

It’s especially difficult when you hear of a woman who is pregnant – with twins and she is devastated.  She doesn’t want to be pregnant (uhhh hello birth control, condoms where are yoouuuuu??) and she’s miserable about it!  I have no problem with people getting pregnant and being surprised, shocked or confused, but when someone communicates pure misery at the situation (and obviously said woman has other issues at stake here) I want to scream and cry and yell at MY injustice!  I’m allowed to be selfish…I’m allowed to be angry.  I’m allowed to be sad.  I’m allowed not to respect certain people’s feelings.  Just like every other woman is allowed these rights.  Every situation is different, every situation is deserving of understanding, but at the same time – everyone, including me, is allowed to hurt.

A few more days.  I can’t wait.

Love

Nicole

1

When the road seems long

When colleagues or friends tell you they are pregnant and nine months later deliver beautiful little babies, you are happy for them, you cheer for them, you jump for joy and look forward to the pitter patter of little feet with them. But then that baby comes and an ache in your heart, so deep, suddenly makes you feel guilty.  You are *gasp!* jealous!  Afterall, they got the one thing you wanted…a healthy little baby to call their own.

After the disastrous online dating instances this summer, I have decided once this stupid, god-awful, pain in the YOU KNOW WHAT wound has healed, I am going to attempt my fifth insemination.  I have spoken with my doctor and we are going to be more aggressive.  I am going to give myself the fertility injections through the needle to the stomach (I know I am so medically up to date with the names of treatments!).  This increases my chance of twins, but since the clomid did absolutely nothing but give me the same ONE egg that being on no clomid gave me, I want to try something else.  This is expensive and emotional and I don’t want to be writing blogs about my attempts anymore.  I am hoping that with one or two (max) rounds of being aggressive, I will be lucky like so many of my friends and colleagues before me.

Some women are lucky, they meet a man (or woman), get married, buy a house, get pregnant, have a family and live happily ever after.  I wasn’t fortunate that way, I have yet to meet someone who is my forever.  I’ve bought a house and if I can pregnant in the untraditional sense – I will be so happy I will probably cry happy tears every single day.

This is 2014, women can and should be able to do it all, but it’s also okay to mourn for what you don’t have.  I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully to go back online, put myself back out there, be vulnerable…but maybe the kind of guy I’m looking for doesn’t exist, or at least not online.  Is it okay to want a little friendship mixed with a little romance?  For a guy to send you flowers, or text you just to say good morning?  I’m kinda over it for now…though good guys may still apply even though my semi-tight deadline has passed.  Sometimes it’s just really hard to let go of your independence and move forward…to trust, to leap and to hope.

For now, my friends and colleagues, whom have all had amazing beautiful babies in 2014:

congratulations, you’re a mamma!

Love

Nicole

 

 

 

2

Because I’m not a mother…

Because I am not a mother I have a lot of free time on my hands to be a great (surrogate) aunt to lots of little ones and this past weekend was no exception!

My heart and soul is always with Julia, my beautiful five-year old whose parents know I will always and forever treat her like my own; she made getting through my fathers funeral a little more bearable because she was there.  I don’t get to spend nearly as much time with her as I would like and now that I have moved out to Ajax the time between our visits has gotten longer, but she is NEVER far from my thoughts and ALWAYS in my heart.  We have an insane connection that no one can understand and I am just so glad her mom and dad respect and accept it!  I think they love it actually cause they aren’t super close to family so I am also like a little sister to them!

Anyway, this weekend, on Sunday I finally had plans to spend the day with her family and we made up for lost time!  We also planned a flower party she wants to have with her little friends this summer.  Thank you to Pinterest for making this party planning possible!  Julia, her mom and I planned everything and then advised her dad (who was the original genius behind the idea, but who is a little better at delegating than planning) who gave it the green light and now I know I will get to see my little muffin top (cause muffin tops are the best part of the muffin) next month too!

Yesterday I was blessed to spend time with both of my friend Kims kids because her oldest (who’s 4) had a t-ball game and since Yoga was cancelled due to the holiday I got to attend.  I also got to snuggle and feed her youngest (2 months) because Kim was helping with the t-ball game!  So all in all last night was a GREAT night!

I spent time with their family after the game to watch fireworks too and there was so many little kiddies around and really just sitting around talking to Kim topped off a weekend high!

This weekend would have been a lot different had I had a newborn baby to take care of.  Please don’t get me wrong, I still want my own child, more now than ever, but while I am not pregnant and have no responsibility but to myself and Simba, I am going to ensure I get as much “auntie” time with the little ones as possible…

Love

Nicole