I am not fertile…supposedly. I had an AMH test (blood test)completed a few months ago and sadly it didn’t go my way. I am not surprised by this outcome. For almost 15 years I have had a weird gut instinct that I would never have my own children – biological children that is. I have watched friend after friend look at a man and wind up pregnant and while I have never actively tried to get pregnant with ex-boyfriends, we weren’t always careful. I have also had 5 unsuccessful IUI’s, 2 of which were medicated with hormones that turned me into a raging crazy lady.
So ya there is that.
I don’t feel any ways about it. I am numb towards it and in fact I haven’t even seen my fertility doctor since the phone call that confirmed my most horrible fears. I have cried tears, tears that seemed never ending. Tears that were for me, for my family, for my dad – who regardless would never meet his grandchild. I am sure there will be therapist visits in the near future, I am a total believer in therapy and I have an amazing therapist whom I trust and respect so in the new year, I will book in to see her.
An even stronger emotion though that I have been feeling is hope. Hope for adoption. I have always considered adoption to be this amazing selfless gift one gives to themselves, but I had no idea where to look. I did what all millennials do – I googled it. I was steered to the Adoption Council of Ontario and on November 11th I attended and information night ($50) where I was told about Public, Private and International adoption. There is just something that is guiding my heart towards international adoption – in Haiti – so I looked up Mission of Tears (myadoption.ca) and it seems that a single woman (over 35, which I turn in January) can adopt a child 6 months and older. The thing that tears me apart is it takes 30-38 months for the whole process to complete and that is a long time to hold my child in my arms and feel their soft skin against mine.
I looked up an adoption practitioner in Ajax because I need to complete a home study and PRIDE classes before Haiti even is a possibility and thankfully he responded quickly and I will be meeting with him in January. The PRIDE classes will be in early April and I am hoping to complete my home study by early summer. I have a lot of questions, I am sure many of you do too, but that’s why I am meeting him in January.
I know this…I feel very strongly about this. I refuse to look at what I cannot change and what will not be. I have been through the gamete of emotions, but for this…this feels right.
Financially this will be hard. I have just enough to get through it I hope, but I may look at some fundraising opportunities and of course may start asking for money for Christmas and birthdays to help cover these costs (the PRIDE class alone is $700.00!), but I need to do this. I need to do this for me and for my Koko bean.
I will be updating this blog, but of course I need to ensure confidentiality until that little baby is mine so please don’t expect to much, but what I can share, I will. I thank you all for sharing your journeys with me and supporting me in mine.