There was a hard, dirt path from the Creche to the little building I was staying in. As I walked towards the door I could feel the heat on my face, see the sun and knew that I would be sweating through my shirt by mid day. I didn’t care though because a smiley faced toddler was running up the path screaming manman (mother in Creole) dressed in a beige t-shirt and crocs on her tiny feet.
She wrapped her arms around me and I could smell baby powder and sweat. I was on my knees, tears springing to my eyes – this was my daughter.
My alarm went off and I woke up in my queen sized bed, light streaming through my window, Simba snuggled in my knee nook snoring softly.
It’s not a bad way to wake up-but that dream was so real I couldn’t help but cry wanting those chubby little arms to still be around my neck.
I am a short way in to a long waiting game for a referral, knowing that this will not be the first of many dreams to follow. Will I have a daughter or a son? I don’t know and I don’t care.
Thank God for dreams
I drove up to the Creche, hot and sweaty, the bus had no air conditioning and I was having trouble breathing in the stale, Haitian heat. When the doors open, the kids and their nanny’s came pouring out of the small building in front of me with smiles on their faces, but I was only looking for one. The face of my boy – my son. I picked him out immediately, shiny skin, damp with perspiration, a big grin and tears running down his cheeks as he saw me – his manman (mother in Creole).
He jumped into my arms, there was a lot of noise around us, laughter and happy squeals as other parents around us met their children for the first time. He whispered in my ear that he had been waiting a long time for me. I pulled back and kissed him on the forehead and told him I had been waiting my whole life for him! We spent time sitting on a bench together talking and giggling, holding hands and hugging constantly while he told me everything I could possible ever need to know about him.
I knew it was a dream, he spoke perfect English; my beautiful child will not. He was also older, maybe 6 or 7, and my child will be under 3. But even though I knew it was a dream, it didn’t damper the elation I felt because this child, this beautiful little boy was mine and I loved him instantly.
Waking up with a damp face from tears I was sad and upset and immediately felt a part of me was missing, a pain in my heart that was so real it kept me paralyzed for a brief moment until I realized my alarm was going off.
It was time to start my day.
But what a dream…it was a really good dream.
When I see friends whom I haven’t talked to in awhile, the standard first question is “how was your summer?” I don’t have much to say other than – “alright”. I went to the cottage, spent time with friends and family and waited. Waited for reports to be finished and most recently (since the beginning of August) waited to be approved as ADOPT READY. This has been another really long wait. I know being a mom will require patience and understanding, but testing me through long wait periods of documents being signed and approved isn’t really helping me!
Once I am ADOPT READY, I can submit my dossier to my agency, have everything translated, give them a kidney and possibly a lung to cover the costs and THEN finally have my documents sent to HAITI. Sadly, this is when the longest wait will be. I will possibly wait a year or more to be matched with a child. A year or more of my baby growing up in the Creche (Orphanage). A year or more of possible Hurricanes destroying his/her land. A year or more of them not knowing who their mother is. Not knowing how needed and loved and wanted they are.
The wait is painful. The only thing that makes is bearable is knowing that my child is there waiting for me too. They need me to be patient. They need me to relax and be calm and have my ducks in a line. They need me to be healthy. They need me to have my finances all in order. They need me. For them I will wait. For them, and only them, I will take a breath today and accept that waiting is part of the process. I will suffer through more seasons – fall, winter, spring and summer – with the faith that when everything is right and the stars have aligned – my turn will come. I will get to be a mommy. For now I will read the blogs, I will chime in on the numerous Facebook groups dedicated to adoption and I will wait.