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725

725 days ago

everything stopped – it was like I was an actress in the most dramatic movie ever seen

I wasn’t acting

I walked into Scarborough General hospital, concerned, but confidant that HE would be fine. I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy and dozens of other hospital shows and people survived a Code Blue all the time…didn’t they?  It’s amazing what you remember 725 days ago, when I couldn’t tell you what I had for lunch yesterday.

I had just opened the hospital doors when my phone rang – it was in my newest purse, Michael Kors.  My mom had bought it for me in Vegas the April that had just passed.  The bag was large and the phone had been thrown in the bottom with my keys. I grasped it and saw my sister-in-laws number.  I knew before answering…it was over, HE was gone. As she spoke the words, my purse dropping and spraying items all over the spick and span hospital floor, I fell and screamed a sickening sound. My heart felt like it was going to stop beating, I thought I would be the one having the heart attack.  No one should ever feel that much pain and yet here I was on July 21st, 2013 at 5:30 am in an empty hallway of a Hospital wishing for death to take me because I could not, WOULD NOT live without HIM.  I don’t know how long I stayed on that floor, crumpled into the fetus position crying.  Somehow I made myself walk to the elevator because I knew more than anything I needed to be in HIS presence.  I got to HIS floor, where I had left HIM not even 24 hours ago with the promise of bringing HIM home that day and an orderly (or maybe a male nurse) caught me as I came crashing out of the steel elevator and quickly put me into a chair with a high back and rubbed my shoulders as I sobbed.  No one else was there, my brother and sister-in-law took another 20 minutes and my best friend who I had called wasn’t there for another 10. A nurse finally let me in, and that was it – with my own eyes, my father was gone.

That was 725 days ago.  It seems a lifetime ago, yet at the same time yesterday.  Everything that has happened since that day and everything that continues to happen regardless of my feelings or thoughts is sometimes astounding.  Life just keeps keeping on.  There is no stopping it.  He isn’t coming back.  My grandmother who passed away 2 years prior to this isn’t coming back.

Loss.  It doesn’t heal.  Not one day out of the 725 have I NOT thought about my dad.  Even if it’s just a brief moment or sometimes a full few hours he is there…always.  I haven’t shed as many tears this year as I did last year.  I haven’t had as many anxiety attacks as I did last year.  Maybe next year it will be even less.  But he will always be in my mind.  When I am sleeping, when I am driving, when I am making a hard decision, when I am planning a fun activity…he’s here, but not.  I want him HERE.

Some of my family will be gathering at the cemetery on the 21st and then concluding with a dinner to memorialize the occasion – just like we did last year, another year where he isn’t joining us.

damn

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The non-baby blues

On Monday it will have been a month, a month since I moved out of my family home and into my forever home.  Life hasn’t exactly gone as planned.  Everything has taken longer than expected, everything has cost more than expected and that sneaky little depression bug that I was ignoring for so long has come right up and bit me hard in the ass – oh ya and the ass is no better and I’m sick of that too!

1. A lot of my friends have offered to help me move and I have taken a few of them up on it.  However this hasn’t been easy.  Weekends are busy for everyone and getting stuff from Scarborough to Ajax during the week is next to impossible unless you do it later at night and with Simba I don’t want to be gone all evening.

The thing that has been sad is not the people who have offered but the people who haven’t.  I was hoping that my move would be an amazing few days of giggles with my closest bff’s and people teasing me and making me laugh, but that didn’t happen.  It was a disappointment and that sucks.

I have a lot of boxes that can’t be unpacked due to a lack of shelving (see below) and a lack of time to unpack the ones that can.

2. My backyard’s grating is all off – which of course being under 6 feet of snow when I bought the house I would never have known.  There is no water seeping into the house – yet – but I need to get this taken care of ASAP!  Thankfully my friends Jeff and Travis have scheduled me into their busy work schedules and will take care of this for me, but it will be costly!

Shelving is expensive.  I was hoping I could buy some cheap white or dark wood shelves so I could put all my books, DVD’s and photo albums away but that isn’t happening.  They are MASSIVELY expensive…I was hoping like $20-$40 each…try more like $70-$170 each and that’s from WALMART!  Of course all the bills are coming in as well so I had to turn to my dads accounts which my brother and I also haven’t taken care of yet – one more thing to do..

3. Living alone, with just a dog is lonely.  It’s been lonely since my dad died and somehow moving has emphasised that loneliness even though I see my Durham friends and my cousin and mom more often than I did before the move.  In reality I have been lonely since before my dad passed.  I mean really – we were okay company for each other, but we had no common interests.  There is a difference between a dads company and a friend or partners company.  I am starting Yoga on Monday night to hopefully relax my mind and keep me busy at least one day of the week.

I have been putting off my next insemination because A) I’m feeling anxious more so lately and B) I can’t handle any more disappointments right now and the first four times were all failures – the fifth has given me no reason to believe it will be a success.  So I am putting it on hold right now.  I don’t have any money to spend on pregnancy attempts that will almost surely be failures *at least with my attitude*.

I am not feeling fulfilled lately – in any area of my life, I don’t know what will be the thing that makes it better, but so far my frustration levels are easily tilted. I hope to have more positive blogs in the near future – but right now…you’ll have to deal with me this way

Love

Nicole

 

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Sometimes all you need is a little sun

So on Christmas day, I gained some much-needed perspective of my life.  I talked about that in my last blog…well last weekend it was really driven home. 

My bff, Alvin took me to Cayo Santa Maria Cuba for my 33rd birthday!  We were there five days and four nights and had a great time!  Now for those of you who remember or followed me at my old blog www.nikilee30.wordpress.com, you’ll remember that Alvin is my ex, yes the ex who broke my very fragile heart in 2010.  However, our relationship didn’t work – for a million and one reasons; we are extremely good at maintaining a friendship, not so great at maintaining a relationship.  So we have worked on things, talked for what seems like a million hours and shockingly – just like that – we are best friends again and on Thursday, we flew out of cold, dark, dreary Toronto into the warmth, the sun and the green of Cuba! 

While there, I started to think; I further began to understand that while my life is NO WHERE near what I want it to be, I have great foundations and a great basis to make great things come true.  I want to live this life and see where I end up.  Maybe I fall short of achieving some dreams, I am sure I will, but maybe I can make some come true.  Maybe I smile more than I frown.  Maybe I laugh more than I cry and if that’s the case, I need to make every day count – I need to work at succeeding, stop whining.  More importantly, I WANT to work at succeeding. 

Now if you want my opinion of Santa Maria and the Memories resort where I stayed you will need to look at Trip Advisors website and click on the Memories Paraiso Azul beach resort and my user tag is Nikilee30.  Just know, I am happy – I was so happy.  I am so lucky to have the greatest best friend in the world that goes out of his way to make sure I am having a good time!  

Winter is a tough time for a lot of people, the darker skies, the colder temperatures; the shortened days lead to people struggling to get through their weeks without a breakdown.  People who suffer with mental health issues struggle even more.  It doesn’t surprise me that January is Mental Health awareness month and Bell’s “let’s talk” day is January 28th.  It is no secret that I have been taking an anti-depressant for a few years now and am under the watch of my doctor and a therapist.  Winter is a time where I am well aware my hibernating-self needs to be careful.  And I am. 

However, when I go tanning (fake tanning) or when I am on the island, baking in the hot sun and relaxing, I feel better.  I think many people do.  These trips are necessary for my soul to thrive.  My aunt understands – she travels at least a few times a year, maybe it’s in our blood.  I hope to continue this tradition after I am fortunate enough to get pregnant and then deliver my little Koko.  He/she will know how to travel, know where to travel and when.  They will see things, I am just beginning to see, taste foods I am just beginning to taste and they will do it all with me.  I can’t wait!

Love

Nicole

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Isolation

It happens, when you live alone, isolation can set in.  It is very easy to not notice it, to ignore it and justify it with weather and things to do.  Psychology defines isolation as the failure of an individual to maintain contact with others or genuine communication where interaction with others persists

How is isolation possible when you work with 100+ people?  When you are constantly at doggy day care, fertility clinics and therapy…clearly I am surrounded by others on a regular basis.  

But what happens when I am home?  When I come in after work, when I have a Saturday or Sunday with no responsibilities to pursue?  What then?  Do I go out?  Do I make plans, eager to run out and see a friend or a friend’s child?  

I used to.  Before.  Before my world ended, the world I knew at least.  My father used to complain all the time that I was never home – always rushing, coming in one door saying hello, running downstairs to change my clothes and slipping out the back door screaming good-bye as the screen shut behind me.  

I am social by nature – not like my father or my brother at all.  I crave the attention of others (I mean really who blogs that wants to be hidden away).  But lately, since that day, I haven’t been.  I tried at first.  I went out, even when I didn’t want to.  I made plans.  But the last couple of months, even the last few weeks, I have been tired of being around lots of people.  I can handle one or two at a time.  The weekend with my sister was great.  The evening I spent this week with a friend I rarely get to see was good, but I was also so relieved and happy when I was snuggled up in bed, with Simba by my side watching tv and sleeping.  

This happened once before, and it was part of the reason I lost my relationship with my ex.  When Alvin and I lived together, he would try to engage with me, but I would shish him while my tv shows were on, going to bed early, napping during the day and I swore when he broke up with me (for numerous reasons) that I would NEVER become that girl again.  But for some reason I had become depressed , when at that time I had no reason to be.  I had everything I wanted.  Or thought I wanted. 

Now I am just trying to make it through a day.  Now I just want to be left alone.  Now I am sensitive to noise, whether its colleagues or clients being loud or I’m turning the tv volume down, noise bothers me.  When my family comes over I am extremely happy, but half way through the visit I feel bothered by the noise…and they are teenagers so they are by nature noisy.  

My therapist I am seeing is aware of all this, and has concerns.  She wants me to explore these feelings I have, when normally I would go out, I stay in.  When the noise starts to bother me.  When I find myself wasting away a day.  Explore the voices in my head, explore the feelings in my heart.  

As if there isn’t enough craziness in there.  

Love

Nicole