This past Saturday I was treated to my favourite dinner – All You Can Eat Sushi – by the lovely Alex. She drove up from downtown to the dreaded Durham Region where she thinks the dragons will attack her as soon as she crosses the Port Union boundary – she’s crazy, we feed our dragons Trump supporters…
Anyway, we had an amazing meal and great conversation that really got me thinking. We were talking about things we KNOW we want in our life. Her biggest one was a husband, and to travel the world. Now for those of you who may know my little Yoga loving hippie, this was not a shock at all. (4 years ago I would have been shocked, but she met a sweet man who changed her view points on this and I totally get it!). For me, the answer wasn’t so simple. I started thinking about things people in general know they want in life and my answers were not so concrete.
A man (life partner)
This one is tricky – ask me ten years ago, I wanted to be a housewife, taking care of my imaginary husband, the house, the kids the whole nine yards. I believed fully in passionate, romantic love. But that was an un-realistic point of view. I’ve been told this a million times over by friends and family members who roll their eyes as I watch another Nicholas Sparks movie. But, I don’t know if I believe in any of that anymore. I don’t feel like I will be fulfilled without this kind of love, so I am just kind of floating along the dating trail waiting to see. I’d like a partner, sure. But I have been single for so long, and screwed over so often that at the end of the day – this isn’t my “dream future”.
This is my only focus. All that I have, all that I am, is going into being a mom. It’s the one constant throughout my life that hasn’t wavered (okay well 30 years ago I wanted 10 kids and the number has slowly decreased from there). Having a child, being a mother, is the one thing I will sacrifice everything else for. It’s not a want, it’s a need that has roots so deep in my heart I think I would rather die than live childless.
The perfect job
I like my job; I don’t love it usually though some days I do. There are things I would rather be doing, but this job has set me up for success and stability in life and I crave stability – hence why having a man in my world is not a priority.
I’d travel most places in this large world of ours, but I will only ever plan or desire to travel to the USA and the Caribbean *and Mexico*. When I am on vacation I like to relax and lie by a pool/ocean. If someone else wanted me to go to say Belarus (cough Alex cough) I’d go, but I wouldn’t plan it. Again, once I am able to be a mother, my idea of vacations will change.
A roof over my head
I love my house. I picked it and decorated it for me. It was nice being single at this time because it was all about me in a world where it so seldom is. I don’t ever see me selling this home, I have great neighbours, a close drive to everything and everyone I love and it’s affordable (thank you job).
Maybe I do know what I want. Maybe I am afraid to admit those things that I don’t want or aren’t willing to settle for because they aren’t the norm. People are uneasy when a woman of a certain age are single still…maybe I just have to accept my lot in life because of my wants. I don’t know…time will tell I guess. For now, this lady is a single, trying to adopt, caseworker who has a few Caribbean vacations planned in the next few years!
Love me or hate me…but that’s what it is!