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Dreams can come true – if you are patient

There was a hard, dirt path from the Creche to the little building I was staying in.  As I walked towards the door I could feel the heat on my face, see the sun and knew that I would be sweating through my shirt by mid day.  I didn’t care though because a smiley faced toddler was running up the path screaming manman (mother in Creole) dressed in a beige t-shirt and crocs on her tiny feet.

She wrapped her arms around me and I could smell baby powder and sweat.  I was on my knees, tears springing to my eyes – this was my daughter.

My alarm went off and I woke up in my queen sized bed, light streaming through my window, Simba snuggled in my knee nook snoring softly.

It’s not a bad way to wake up-but that dream was so real I couldn’t help but cry wanting those chubby little arms to still be around my neck.

I am a short way in to a long waiting game for a referral, knowing that this will not be the first of many dreams to follow.  Will I have a daughter or a son?  I don’t know and I don’t care.

Thank God for dreams

Nicole

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2

It was just a dream

I drove up to the Creche, hot and sweaty, the bus had no air conditioning and I was having trouble breathing in the stale, Haitian heat.  When the doors open, the kids and their nanny’s came pouring out of the small building in front of me with smiles on their faces, but I was only looking for one.  The face of my boy – my son.  I picked him out immediately, shiny skin, damp with perspiration, a big grin and tears running down his cheeks as he saw me – his manman (mother in Creole).

He jumped into my arms, there was a lot of noise around us, laughter and happy squeals as other parents around us met their children for the first time.  He whispered in my ear that he had been waiting a long time for me.  I pulled back and kissed him on the forehead and told him I had been waiting my whole life for him! We spent time sitting on a bench together talking and giggling, holding hands and hugging constantly while he told me everything I could possible ever need to know about him.

I knew it was a dream, he spoke perfect English; my beautiful child will not.  He was also older, maybe 6 or 7, and my child will be under 3.  But even though I knew it was a dream, it didn’t damper the elation I felt because this child, this beautiful little boy was mine and I loved him instantly.

Waking up with a damp face from tears I was sad and upset and immediately felt a part of me was missing, a pain in my heart that was so real it kept me paralyzed for a brief moment until I realized my alarm was going off.

It was time to start my day.

But what a dream…it was a really good dream.

Love

Nicole

2

ciao 2015

Instead of being all young sad and blue that my 2015 wasn’t really MY year of greatness (it was kinda shitty for the most part – especially the end), I decided to look at some awesome things instead.

1. What did you do this year that you’re proud of?

I applied for the Supervisor role at my work.  Even though I eventually was unsuccessful, I tried.  I put my best foot forward and I helped my two friends who I adore (and who were successful) and I did it all with a smile on my face and true, genuine happiness in my heart.

2.What were some times that you laughed so hard you could barely breathe?

My summer at the cottage with Kim and her family.  Our evenings by the campfire were some of the most fun times I have had – and most nights ended with me bawling from laughing so hard! “Eddie threw bugs on us”!!!

3. What were quotes that you loved this year?

From Tina Fey – I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home.  I didn’t used to have to do that.  But now I do.

4. What is your favorite photo from this year?

This photo was taken before I left on my Dominican trip with my family – Simba always is my favorite – he’s so sweet!

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5. Who are people that you believe are bringing out the best in you?

I have an amazing group of girlfriends that make me – me! To name a few, Kim, Nancy B, Erin, Agnes, Sarah, Alex, Dawn, Tammy, Rochelle, Kristi, Nancy W and so many more.  I love you all

And finally…

6. What are some things you’d like to focus and work on in the next year?

Obviously the adoption will be my ONLY priority, but at the same time I also need to work on my, my health both physically and mentally, to prepare myself for being a mother.  This is my focus.

Love Nicole

1

Don’t read if your easily queasy

Monday morning I woke up anxious from a bad dream…I had suffered a miscarriage at 6 months and no one was around to help me, I was alone and terrified.  When I woke up, my stomach was flat (meaning not hugely pregnant like I had been in my dream) and Simba licked my elbow and I smiled.  It was just a dream.  I went to the bathroom and my first five minutes of my day were normal.  What happened after was not.

I was lying down rubbing Simba’s belly waking him up to begin our day like I always do and when I stood up to get my clothes and it felt like I was peeing! I could feel the wetness running down my legs.  I shrieked and ran back to the bathroom ripping off my pajama pants and there was blood, not urine, everywhere!  Blood droplets on the floor, blood all over my thighs and of course my pj pants were ruined.  I actually trembled thinking I had miscarried and I just wanted the bleeding to stop.  Finally after cleaning myself up I called my friend Agnes who has had her share of pregnancy horror stories and she said I could be having a miscarriage but because I would be less than two weeks pregnant it would be hard to tell.  Tearing up, I hung up and called my clinic leaving a message for them to call me back ASAP.

I got dressed and checked to make sure I wasn’t bleeding anymore – I wasn’t really so it was all good. I went to work.

When the clinic called me back she said to come in Thursday for my scheduled pregnancy test and that it could be implantation bleeding, a miscarriage or my period.  Of course I had NO idea what implantation bleeding was and immediately turned to good old google to determine.  After some research it was possible, but later that night…I got my period.

For the past three days (Tuesday to today) my period has been heavier than I have EVER experienced it in my 20 years of “being a woman” and of course today my test came back negative.  No pregnancy.  No implantation bleeding, no baby…

My heart hurts. 

It’s ironic, when I was growing up (teenage years) I had a strange inclination that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because where my friends where getting pregnant from just looking at penis’ I was not *thank God cause i didn’t want to at the time* but I was never responsible with my birth control pills and went off them 7 years ago because I kept forgetting them and relied instead on inconsistent condom use to prevent pregnancy.  I feel like I took to many “oops” chances through the years and the fact that none of those “oops” turned into a baby I feel means I won’t get pregnant – at least not easily. 

Clearly easy isn’t how this is going to work for me.  This was my first round of IUI on Clomid and it didn’t work.  I have two viles of sperm left from my donor and if I use them up I will either need to purchase more of the same donor or look for a new one.  So many choices, so many options, however at this point I am not having any of it.  I am taking this month off to focus on me.  I have gained about 10 pds since my dad passed and on my short frame it might as well have been 100.  I need to at least lose that 10 pds and focus on my health – including taking my vitamins.  With the move coming up next week, I will spend that entire weekend unpacking and grocery shopping.  It’s needed and I need to do something to try to make my damn body a safe, happy place for fertilization. I hope all my lady followers who are going through the same struggles as myself that your luck is better than mine and that you see success soon! 

Love

Nicole

3

Dreams

I have now had a fourth friend tell me that they have dreamed I was having a baby.  Sometimes it’s a girl, sometimes a boy – and twice TWICE it was twins! 

Yes I have had my third insemination, but I am waiting till Monday the 23rd for the results so I don’t know if I am.  I don’t feel pregnant.  I feel paranoid – as per usual.  Every time I move a weird way or breath heavy or lean my stomach against my counter to brush my teeth or put on makeup I jump back realizing I could be squishing Koko if he/she is in there. Plus I feel like a butter knife is ripping apart my ovaries which I’m pretty sure means I am NOT pregnant. 

But am I pregnant?  I don’t know, and I won’t know for a week.  I want to be – obviously, so badly.  But I refuse to be upset if I’m not.  I can’t control my body; it’s in God’s hands now.  I am becoming more patient the longer this takes. 

If I’m not pregnant, I found out last week I need to have surgery again.  I have had three surgeries to remove a pilonidal cyst and my dermatologist confirmed its back.  If I’m not pregnant I must have it removed.  I will not however have the work done at Scarborough General Hospital again, not that they aren’t great, they are, but my anxiety surrounding the  hospital since my dad passed hasn’t dissipated so I will have the surgery done at Toronto East, which I hear is also a great hospital. 

If I am pregnant, I will need to do the surgery sometime after the baby is born, which is ridiculous because I can’t take care of a newborn, a dog all while lying on my side, taking pain meds (which I would have to wait till after I am done breastfeeding because T3’s aren’t to be taken while nursing).  All as a single mother.  

I do not regret my decision to become an SMC (single mom by choice) at all, I have thought it out, the pros and cons and I still believe in my choice.  I know I can do this.  This surgery (or possible surgery) may just be a setback, that’s all.  I will somehow take care of Koko and Simba and myself and we’ll get through it together.  

P.S. I hate the needle they give you to knock you out for surgery, it burns my wrist for three seconds and for three seconds I feel like Bella in Twilight where I’ve been bitten by a vampire and I’m making the “change” but I wake up, still me, still human, with no Edward…boooo

 

Love

Nicole

3

My dreams are already crazy

All I want, all I have wanted since my dad passed away in July is for me to dream of him.  I need to see this man again.  I need to hug him and hold him in my arms and tell him I love him.  I need to tell him how much he is missed, how my oldest niece is not coping with his passing, how all this baby business is going.  But no, it hasn’t happened for me yet.  Instead I have stupid dreams, dreams that are scary or make no sense or make me roll my eyes when I wake up. 

Last night was no exception.  I was so excited to have finally chose a donor for my little Koko bean that I had a dream my clinic called to say that the donor sperm had been further tested and had an 18th chromosome and therefore was deemed not usable.  What the fuck is an 18th chromosome??  I don’t even know what this means or how it would ever affect me having a child.  Clearly my brain is messed up, it’s creating unrealistic scenarios.  I cried and cried in my dream because there was no other option for me and I was not able to completed the insemination.  

I woke up at 12:30 am to Simba, my three-year-old Cocker Spaniel mix, licking my elbow, my pillow wet with tears.  Now clearly I know that this dream is my subconscious fear that I won’t be able to conceive, that something will happen that will derail my dreams.  I get it.  I get that my dream is not reality.  I also get that I need to start showering in the mornings because clearly my dog is licking me throughout the night and I am not aware of it.   

I am nervous.  I am not nervous about being pregnant or having a baby, I am nervous about not being pregnant, of not having a baby.  

When I spoke with the Social Worker at the clinic I was advised that acupuncture can help relieve some pre-pregnancy stress.  I am going to look further into it.  I want to do everything I can to relax, to chill out and calm down before the insemination takes place! 

Have any of you had acupuncture before?  Tell me about it, give me advice!  PLEASE! 

Love

Nicole

1

Hello? Is this thing on?

Don’t you hate when you are following someone’s blog and they disappear for a week?  On Sunday, I went to the walk-in clinic…STREP THROAT.  Because I haven’t been through enough in the past 2 months, lets throw a contagious disease on top of it.  Needless to say, I was unimpressed about the idea of being completely isolated for three days until I was no longer contagious and even less impressed with the fact that I couldn’t go to work.  So no blogging for me – I’m sorry

I missed a very important job fair that I was leading from my office 😦

Now I am back though so here is what has happened while I was gone:

I have had a few more ultrasounds – everything still looks good!  I have one more to confirm ovulation is happening this weekend and then after my next period I prepare for insemination!  HOLY CRAP!  Ya, I am so excited I could cry.  I have wanted this, my dad had wanted this, for so long now I just don’t know how to contain my enthusiasm. 

I have narrowed my donor choices down to three and will be confirming by the end of day today which one I will be using.  Did you know how many choices there are??  I mean seriously hundreds of options.  I’m almost relieved I am CMV negative because that narrows my choices.  The fact I want tall, caucasian with dark features narrows it down to about thirty and then taking things out like a cleft chin, not having only male offspring, not being an OPEN ID donor, and not someone with a history of diabetes (my father and paternal grandfather died of diabetes related issues) makes my choices even slimmer!  So now I will look at my few choices left and look at other things (hobbies?) to determine which donor I will choose.  I’ll let you know all about this amazing man as soon has I have details!

I have decided to only go with OPEN ID donors.  That way when my child turns 18 they have the choice of trying to find out more information and even possibly meeting the donor.  I am pro-choice in everything I do.  I want my child to have choices.  If they want to meet the man who made their mother happier then she ever dreamed possible – then he/she will have that CHOICE. 

I also saw a social worker yesterday – all part of this process.  She wasn’t there to judge or decide if I would be a good mom or not, but I am pretty sure after our 90 minute conversation she has realized what my friends and some members of my family have realized – I am a mom, I was born to be a mom.  I will give everything and do everything for this child, my child to be happy and successful in their own way! 

Having gone through ultrasounds and blood tests and a sono and all the other small things that need to be done in this process has been exhausting, but if/when the doctor tells me I am pregnant, every second, every cramp, every dollar will have been more than worth it.  It’s so close now.  I am so close.  Doing it alone wasn’t the way I had planned, at the very least I had hoped my dad would be available to tell every detail to, but I will settle for you, my readers, I enjoy each and every one of your comments, words of support and “likes”.  Thank you so much, truly, for sharing in this journey with me.

Love

Nicole