3

A few more days

I have not taken hormones before to try to get pregnant.  In fact, this past month has been such an out of focus blur I cannot even remember the names of the medications I was on trying to encourage my little eggs to drop down the rabbit hole!  I know right now, now that I have been inseminated that I am taking a progesterone suppository twice-a-day every day until my pregnancy test.  I will have the results for you all next week.

I don’t know if it is the progesterone, the time change from the weekend past or the fact that I may well and be pregnant, but I am not me.  I am easy to anger, tense, annoyed, bloated, gassy (sorry), and I have not had a full night sleep in over in a week which is only intensifying the above issues.  All I want to eat is everything that I know me, as a large woman, is being chastised for.  And you know what – I. DON’T. CARE!  See – I’m annoyed just thinking of someone commenting on the fact that I had, and enjoyed, birthday cake frosting pop tarts for breakfast yesterday.

I am not drinking wine (or any alcohol) even though I know I am allowed to, because if I am pregnant I don’t want to.  But this weekend, if I find out I failed again (and yes I consider not being pregnant the most epic of failures) I will be enjoying a large glass of white wine.  I am not an alcoholic, I barely ever drink, but when I go out for dinner I want a glass of wine to enjoy right along with my lovely meal and I have been out a few times this week, including last night, and drinking water and iced tea doesn’t quite cut it – especially when WHO KNOWS??!!

My other problem is, because I am taking the progesterone, I am trying desperately hard not to take any more medication like Advil for my awful headaches I get in the morning, allergy pills to ease the congestion I get from Simba or ZZZQuil to help me actually get some sleep.  I am being good – really good – and my fear and frustration is that it could be for nothing.

I have lots of little signs that I haven’t had before with past inseminations…but being one week and a few days pregnant doesn’t give you symptoms, so most likely it’s from the hormones…I just wish I could have a big sign that says HEY LADY YOU ARE PREGNANT – KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  WOOT WOOT!  Wouldn’t that be awesome!  A little red-faced angel comes down with a card (or arrow) for you…and BAMN you’re pregnant.  Nature doesn’t do things quite so easily or even close to what I would call quickly!

It’s especially difficult when you hear of a woman who is pregnant – with twins and she is devastated.  She doesn’t want to be pregnant (uhhh hello birth control, condoms where are yoouuuuu??) and she’s miserable about it!  I have no problem with people getting pregnant and being surprised, shocked or confused, but when someone communicates pure misery at the situation (and obviously said woman has other issues at stake here) I want to scream and cry and yell at MY injustice!  I’m allowed to be selfish…I’m allowed to be angry.  I’m allowed to be sad.  I’m allowed not to respect certain people’s feelings.  Just like every other woman is allowed these rights.  Every situation is different, every situation is deserving of understanding, but at the same time – everyone, including me, is allowed to hurt.

A few more days.  I can’t wait.

Love

Nicole

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5

Moving day

Really you ask!?  On a random Tuesday?!

YES

Last night as I was lying in bed (which should have already been moved to the Ajax home, but my sister had a migraine and couldn’t help) staring at empty walls that need plaster and repainting, I realized I was done.  This chapter of my life (33 years and almost three months long) is over.  I have no affinity towards this house.  It haunts me like the fear of the unknown.  The stupid thing is that it doesn’t have to.  I own a home!  I own a home worlds away from this one.  In Ajax, where a different life awaits me, stands a home that I purchased.  A home that I saw, loved and bought all in three days.  There is a couch there and thanks to my cousin and mom and a few others, there are also numerous, multiplying boxes there that are waiting for me to unpack.

So why am I lying in bed at the Scarborough house, anxious and wide awake?  Because of the bed?  Sure a bed is nice, but it doesn’t make me feel safe and loved…the four walls will do that.  These four walls remind me of my father and make my heart ache with the absence of him.  I decided, today, Tuesday April 1st I am moving into the Ajax home and I will sleep on the couch and live out of boxes until the bed can be moved over and the boxes can be emptied.  Maybe then I will find peace.

Simba will be happy where mommy (that’s me) is happy and I am happy in Ajax where I am not engulfed in emptiness on a daily basis.  I think some people forget how absolutely alone I am once the doors close and lock.  I will be alone in this house too – don’t get me wrong, I am not moving anyone in anytime soon, but in Scarborough there was a hero who shared these walls with me my entire life – in Ajax that hero doesn’t exist within the concrete, he doesn’t reflect off the fresh paint.  I have to go.

It’s time to go.  Tonight, I will pack up my spaniels food and toys, grab some work outfits (and shoes – gotta have the shoes) and move out of Scarborough for good.

I feel extremely confidant with this decision.

Love

Nicole