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The Climb

I am not now nor have I ever been a “Miley Cyrus” fan.  However, whenever I hear this song (the only one by her on my phone) I can’t help but dream off into space thinking of my journey to be a mother…

I can almost see it.
That dream I’m dreaming,
But there’s a voice inside my head saying,
“You’ll never reach it.”
Every step I’m takin’
Every move I make feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin’

But I, I gotta keep tryin’
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down,
But no, I’m not breaking
I may not know it,
But these are the moments
That I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin’,

And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on,

‘Cause…

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb

Yeah

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody’s gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Keep on movin’
Keep climbin’
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about—it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa, whoa, oh.

  • Google time play

I’m not sure if this makes any sense to you, I just feel like I have had so many obstacles ahead of me, so many hills I have had to climb and really – regardless of what happens in the end, once I hold my child in my arms – it will all be worth it.

Love

Nicole

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Cottage life is great, but it will be better

People say I am crazy for buying a cottage with one of my best friends.  “It was to much money”, “it’s not worth it”, “it will ruin our friendship”…I have heard every negative thing possible.

What people don’t understand is that it was not to much money – it was fairly cheap for a place you can basically live in for 6 months a year.

It was 100% worth it.  I spend most weekends up there plus a week or two each summer.  I tan, I have amazing times with my friends, I swim, I go boating and I get a lot of reading done.  If I was at home all summer I would be doing nothing – not being social that’s for sure.  I’d be on my couch watching TV and movies.

Finally – and this is a big one – it has not even come close to ruining my friendship with K, if anything we are closer because we are together most weekends for half a year.  We have fun, we laugh, we bicker and we tease her husband – a lot…if anything I am surprised he hasn’t killed one or both of us!

The best thing is that I get to spend a lot of time with her two children C and M.  It gives me a picture of what it will be like when I bring my child home from Haiti and introduce him or her to cottage living.

We all went on a boat ride Saturday afternoon and watching K hold M in her arms while we sped through Lake Seymour into Rice Lake I could almost feel my child wrapped in my own arms giggling as the water sprayed onto us whenever we hit a bump.   When we stopped to fish for a few minutes I sat on the back of the boat with M dipping our feet in the water comparing toe nail colours (she had pink, I had purple). I so desperately was yearning for my own child in those moments it was almost over whelming.  Bringing my little one home is something I constantly day dream about…I know there will be a lot of tough times…times when I doubt myself and my abilities, but those times when I hear a laugh or see a smile – those will be the times that are worth it.  I can’t wait to blog about THOSE times.  To let you all in on this amazing little person who will change my world in the most epic way possible.

Having this cottage is going to allow me to give my kid memories that will last their lifetime.  Some of my favourite childhood memories exist at my aunts trailer – and we were only there two weeks a year!  Imagine the possibilities when they are up north for days and sometimes weeks at a time!?  My blog and Project Life albums will be so much more vivid and exciting!!

Nicole

2

ciao 2015

Instead of being all young sad and blue that my 2015 wasn’t really MY year of greatness (it was kinda shitty for the most part – especially the end), I decided to look at some awesome things instead.

1. What did you do this year that you’re proud of?

I applied for the Supervisor role at my work.  Even though I eventually was unsuccessful, I tried.  I put my best foot forward and I helped my two friends who I adore (and who were successful) and I did it all with a smile on my face and true, genuine happiness in my heart.

2.What were some times that you laughed so hard you could barely breathe?

My summer at the cottage with Kim and her family.  Our evenings by the campfire were some of the most fun times I have had – and most nights ended with me bawling from laughing so hard! “Eddie threw bugs on us”!!!

3. What were quotes that you loved this year?

From Tina Fey – I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home.  I didn’t used to have to do that.  But now I do.

4. What is your favorite photo from this year?

This photo was taken before I left on my Dominican trip with my family – Simba always is my favorite – he’s so sweet!

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5. Who are people that you believe are bringing out the best in you?

I have an amazing group of girlfriends that make me – me! To name a few, Kim, Nancy B, Erin, Agnes, Sarah, Alex, Dawn, Tammy, Rochelle, Kristi, Nancy W and so many more.  I love you all

And finally…

6. What are some things you’d like to focus and work on in the next year?

Obviously the adoption will be my ONLY priority, but at the same time I also need to work on my, my health both physically and mentally, to prepare myself for being a mother.  This is my focus.

Love Nicole

2

Babies babies everywhere

It’s Christmas time and I have had 3 friends announce their pregnancies in the past two weeks.  These friends almost seem anxious about telling me because – obvious – I can’t have my own biological child at this point so I must hate hearing about it?!

NO!  Not at all…my journey may be harder or longer, but I’ll get my baby at some point and in the mean time I have wonderful friends and the more their families grow, the more kidlets I have to love and future friends of my own Koko bean.

The world needs to grow with love so the more babies my friends (who are all awesome people) have, the more love this world will have!

Merry Christmas everyone, I can’t wait to update you all in the new year about my challenges and hopeful successes!

We are all blessed in so many ways and I am grateful to have friends who are not only concerned about my feelings, but who keep expanding my Christmas list every year!!

Love Nicole

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0 to 2

My friend K wanted to take her mother to Vegas with her husband for a few days and asked me to watch her two most precious possessions – her 5 year old son C and her 20 month old daughter M.  Our other friend E was going to watch them Friday and Saturday while I was Black Friday shopping and I would pick them up Sunday, take C to swimming lessons and then take care of them for the next three days except when they were in daycare/school and I was at work.  Of course I agreed, I love those kids and I wanted my friend to feel calm and have fun knowing her children were in good, safe hands while she was celebrating her mom!

So on Sunday morning, I went from having zero responsibility to full responsibility for two sweet little lives.

Now this isn’t my first rodeo with children.  I have lots of little kidlets I have babysat in the past; and at times my nieces and nephew, while growing up, lived at my dads house so I saw routines being created and heard the temper tantrums, cries in the middle of the night and screams when one was hurt – numerous times!!  However, being solely responsible for not one but TWO actual lives for almost 72 hours is something I hadn’t really thought of.

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The first night I had them, C was coughing during the night I knew he was alive and well one bedroom over, but last night – no coughing!  I thought for sure I had killed him.  I got up three times in the middle of the night to check his chest to make sure he was breathing – ya I am clearly crazy tired!

Getting C to his swimming class was a chore, only because it was warm in the building so I was holding my large purse filled with a diaper, wipes, a toy, a drink and snacks, three jackets, a bag with a towel and of course holding M’s little hand who was grasping tightly to three little stuffed animals (she totally stole my stuffed animals, what a thief!).  While C was swimming, M sat in a chair eating a chocolate chip bear paw, drinking her bottle of water and hugging MY stuffies.  She was great.  When it was time to get C, we walked into the change room, I asked M to stay by me while I helped C get dressed and she did!  SUCCESS!

I have not had one tear over missing mommy or daddy thank goodness because K and I were both positive M would BAWL her little eyes out cause she is very anxious around people that aren’t her parents.  But as of this mornings drop off she has been full of smiles and giggles.

One thing that has been a saving grace, is that M wants to eat all the time.  Yogurt, cookies, grilled cheese, pb and j, toast, water, milk, pudding, teddy grahams, apple…it doesn’t matter…she will eat it and I swear she has NO END.  Such a tiny little cutie and she just eats and doesn’t stop until I tell her no more!  This morning she ate her breakfast and all of C’s crust from his pb on toast.

I have learned that while routines are important and must be established, it’s important to be flexible…C is a sloooowwwww riser, he doesn’t move quickly or want to get dressed or eat his breakfast so having his clothes ready and breakfast made before even trying to wake him was mandatory!  M wakes quickly and of course will eat as soon as her eyes open and will let me dress her immediately so with her I didn’t need to be SO prepared.

Tonight, the parents come back.  I will miss the joy of kissing the kids goodnight and good morning, I will miss the hugs and the smiles.  I will however, enjoy a good night sleep tonight and will hopefully dream of the little baby boy or girl I hope to adopt (more on that later) in 2016/17.

What a great experience to have…thanks K!

Love

Nicole

P.S C said he wants to marry me so I can buy him lots of toys in the Toys R Us flyer…uh huh, I am loved 😉

5

Chi-Town and why my dislike for some Americans continues…

I have been wanting to go to Chicago pretty much since the last time I went to Chicago with my girlfriend looking for her wedding dress back in 2010.  The irony is that I went because I needed to escape my breakup and the drama surrounding it with A and I knew Kim would be the perfect friend to spend a long weekend with.  This time I went with A because we have somehow managed to escape the nastiness of a breakup, and come out on the other side friends again.

I wanted to go with A because he loves baseball as much, if not more than I do, and my reason for going this time around was to see both the Cubs AND the White Sox play – to see both fields and come two stadiums closer to finishing my goal of seeing every major league baseball diamond.  (I have seen 7 now – still a LOOOOOOONNNNNG way to go).

We left Toronto early Wednesday morning, Canada Day, and both of us immediately fell asleep on the plane.  Thankfully the 1.5 hour plane ride was smooth and quiet and we woke up feeling a bit more refreshed and ready to make our way to the hotel.  Supposedly, when you take a cab that is already waiting for you from the hotel into Elmhurst (where our hotel was) they charge you a fare + half.  If we had called our own taxi they just charge you a regular fare, but we didn’t find that out until we had already agreed to take the already waiting taxi because we knew no better. lesson learned.  After a $45 cab ride I was terrified that the hotel would refuse us entry so early as check in is 3 pm and it was only 9 am, but they had a room available so we thanked them and went to our first floor room to unpack.

Hunger was a priority so we googled where Denny’s was and found it was a ten minute drive (about 4 miles) away so we called a cab and they advised it would be $12.  This seemed expensive, but we were starving so we headed out.  Denny’s makes me happy…cheap, delicious food and service was great!

After breakfast – we needed to sleep.  We both took a four-hour nap.  What an exciting trip!  HA!  That night we learned how to take the Metra (their version of the GO train) into downtown and the nicest train conductor told us how to get around downtown and advised us that cab drivers love taking advantage of Canadians and tourists in general so we needed to act like we were home-grown.  He told us the cab ride to Navy Pier should cost no more than $10 and to tell the driver assertively that was where we wanted to go.  Navy Pier was just as I remembered it – but colder…much colder due to the Lake and the winds coming off the lake.  I bought a sweater that all tourists were wearing and so did A because even HE was cold…after walking around and seeing some of the Piers attractions the fire works show began and I took it as a salute to Canada (even though they have Fire Works every Wednesday).  We had Giordano’s for a late dinner, of course settling for deep dish pizza (holy crap that pizza is THICK).

The rest of our trip had a mixture of highs (seeing both MLB teams and going to a live jazz bar) and lows (getting taken advantage of by a few more cab drivers and we had some major issues witht he hotel that A will be complaining about to management) but spending time with A and being away from the Toronto Pan Am madness for even a few days was totally worth it all.  I know now, that next summer I want to do another American city to cross another diamond off my list – maybe Boston or Seattle?  I have a year to decide!  I hope next year it’s with a little one in my arms or at least a man who loves me holding my hand.

Exploring, travelling, adventure – it’s something I was not exposed to as a child and so I am making sure I get to do some of it now.  It may not be far, but it’s still thrilling to me.  I can’t wait to expose my future little Koko Bean to life outside of his or her hometown.

Love Nicole

1

young love

it was the fall of 1994, I was 13 and felt I was so mature that I could totally understand and appreciate love and relationships and no one could tell me anything. And that’s the year I fell for Noel, my first kiss and in all honesty my first boyfriend.

One day after school he pulled me under the large concrete stairs of our school and we were talking and getting to know about each other and he kissed me.  Softly and sweetly and a very innocent fairy tale version of romance.  We were 13, it didn’t go further, but we continued kissing a lot and getting to know each other for a few months (a long time in 7th grade!).

20 years, many failed relationships, lots of kisses and heart breaks later and I’m not that same believer in love and romance.  The innocence of it all has passed, my faith has been shattered.  I don’t even know when it happened.  I think a long time ago, but it could have been just yesterday for all I know.  I just stopped thinking of passionate love and started thinking the only thing that existed was passionate lust.  Guys don’t plan that first special kiss the way Noel did when I was 13, they think about how much more can they get while that first kiss is taking place – and oh ya what’s the score of the hockey (football, basketball, baseball) game?

I’m 34 and jaded.  My friends are married or in relationships and the ones that have been in long term relationships don’t fantasize about sweetness, they jump at the chance for a girls night, they relish alone time.  Well, I have all that now.  I see my girls all the time, I am alone ALL. THE. TIME.  If that’s what my future holds then I think God how sad. The husbands aren’t any better.  They don’t smile sweetly at their wives or flirt with their girlfriends, they work – a lot, they play sports, they go fishing.  This is real life.  Is that why I’m single?  Is it because I always wanted the fairy tale?  I wanted a man who loved me the way my daddy made me believe I deserved to be loved.  I try and fight my friends, force them into romance, but the fact is I have watched one to many movies.  If they had a (3 years later) in these movies I would see Ryan Gosling not kissing his love in the rain, but cussing out his woman for forgetting to bring home the milk and then going for a beer with the boys.

Kids don’t understand how great young love is!!  Case in point: today I was teaching a bunch of teenagers how to pass job interviews…there was a pretty 16 year old in the front row and her male friend sat directly behind her.  He was playing with her hair the whole time and the look of young love was in his big dark eyes.  She was slightly blushing and every once in a while she would catch my eye and I couldn’t help but squint at her and wrinkle my nose thinking she has no idea how lucky she is to have someone who wants to play with her hair and smile and adore her from afar.  At the same time, I was so happy to know that this is still happening 20 years later. It’s cute. Maybe I can be happy with old people romance and love if I can watch my kids live through young peoples version of love and romance.

How magical love and life is…stay tuned folks…maybe I’ll find a realistic love one day…maybe I’ll still be happy…

Love

Nicole