The Climb

I am not now nor have I ever been a “Miley Cyrus” fan.  However, whenever I hear this song (the only one by her on my phone) I can’t help but dream off into space thinking of my journey to be a mother…

I can almost see it.
That dream I’m dreaming,
But there’s a voice inside my head saying,
“You’ll never reach it.”
Every step I’m takin’
Every move I make feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin’

But I, I gotta keep tryin’
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down,
But no, I’m not breaking
I may not know it,
But these are the moments
That I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin’,

And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on,


There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb


There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody’s gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Keep on movin’
Keep climbin’
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about—it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa, whoa, oh.

  • Google time play

I’m not sure if this makes any sense to you, I just feel like I have had so many obstacles ahead of me, so many hills I have had to climb and really – regardless of what happens in the end, once I hold my child in my arms – it will all be worth it.




Why Haiti? Here are some facts…

    1. Native Haitians were pre-Columbian Amerindians called Taíno, “the good people.” The Taíno named their land “Ayiti,” meaning “Land of Mountains”—a term that evolved into “Haiti.”
    2. More than 10% of Haitian children die before age five.
    3. Eighty percent of Haitians live under the poverty line and 54% live in abject poverty. The average per capita income in Haiti is $480 a year, compared to $33,550 in the United States.
    4. Because of both violence and AIDS, Haiti has the highest percentage of orphans of any country in the Western Hemisphere. Before the 2010 earthquake, the United Nations estimated there were 430,000 orphans.
    5. Nearly 1.5 million people left Haiti in the early 1990s.
    6. A typical worker in Haiti makes only $2.75 a day. Because jobs are so scarce (approximately 70% do not have regular jobs), those who do have jobs are afraid to speak out against unfair labor practices.
    7. Only 53% of Haitians can read and write.
    8. Haiti’s national sport is soccer. Haiti first competed in the World Cup in 1974.
    9. Eighty percent of Haitians are Roman Catholic, 16% are Protestant, and 4% are other. Voodoo is often practiced alongside Christianity.
Haitian currency is named after the gourd
    1. Gourds were so important to the Haitian people that in 1807, President Henri Christophe (1761-1820) made them the base of national currency and declared all gourds the property of the state. Today, the Haitian currency is called “gourdes.”
    2. In the eighteenth century, St. Dominique (Haiti) was the richest colony in the French Empire and was known as the “Pearl of the Antilles.” It grew rich mainly through the importation of slaves and through devastating environmental degradation. Haiti is currently one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere.
    3. In 1801, ex-slave Toussaint L’Ouverture (1743-1803) led nearly one-half million Haitian slaves against Haiti’s French colonialists. Their eventual victory was the first successful slave revolt and helped establish Haiti as the first black republic. After a betrayal from the French, L’Ouverture died in a French prison.
    4. In 1803, Jean-Jacques Dessalines (1758-1806), Haiti’s first ruler, created the nation’s flag by ripping out the white stripe in the French red, white, and blue flag, claiming he would rip white people from the nation. The remaining blue and red stripes represented blacks and mulattos of Haiti. Haiti’s coat of arms sits in the center.
    5. Haiti is the third largest country in the Caribbean, after the Dominican Republic and Cuba, which is the largest.
    6. The Citadel is a large mountaintop fortress located in northern Haiti. It is the largest fortress in the Western Hemisphere.
    7. In 2008, almost 1.8 million people (20% of the entire population) were living in Haiti’s capital, Port-au-Prince.
    8. When Columbus first saw Haiti (and the entire Hispaniola island), he thought he had found India or Asia.
    9. After the death of revolutionary leader Toussaint L’Ouverture in 1802, his principal lieutenant, General Jean-Jacques Dessalines, proclaimed himself Jean-Jacques the First, Emperor of Haiti. He ordered the killing of most of the whites in Haiti.
    10. In the eighteenth century, Haitians developed elaborate tables of genetic descent, dividing mulattos into over a hundred shades of black and white. These ranged from the Sacatra which were seven-eighths black, to the several varieties of Sangmeles, which are only one-sixteenth black. Technically, a mulatto is someone who is half black and half white.
    11. Only about 10% of all Haitian children enrolled in elementary school go on to a high school.
    12. Haitians love to gamble. Its popularity is a result of the Haitian belief that so much depends on the fancy of the gods. During voodoo ceremonies, Haitians implore the gods to reveal winning lottery numbers.
    13. Cock fighting is a traditional sport in Haiti. The roosters are fed raw meet and hot peppers soaked in rum to make them aggressive and tough. The winner might bring home $67, which is more than a person would earn in an entire month.
Haiti is one of the most deforested nations in the world
    1. Haiti is the most mountainous nation in the Caribbean.
    2. Haiti is one of the few countries in the world where the destruction of the original woodland is almost complete due to competition over scarce land, intense demand for charcoal, unsound agricultural practices, and feral goats which overgraze. This massive deforestation has led to lethal mudslides and flash floods. A muddy brown ring surrounds the country’s coastline where topsoil has washed into the sea.
    3. When early Spanish explorers encountered a female Haitian ruler named Anacaona, or “Golden Flower” (1464-1504), in 1503 who resisted them, they killed many of her people, arrested, and hanged her.
    4. Christopher Columbus initially called the island La Isla Espanola, meaning “The Spanish Isle” when he landed there in 1492. Over time, the name became Hispaniola and includes both Haiti, which covers the western third of the island, and the Dominican Republic (or Santo Domingo), which covers the eastern two thirds.
    5. The United States did not recognize Haiti as an independent nation until 1862 even though it was freed in 1804.
    6. Author, statesmen, and ex-slave Frederick Douglass (c. 1818-1895) was an ambassador to Haiti.
    7. Haiti’s highest peak is the Pic la Selle at 8,793 feet (2,680 meters).
    8. One of Haiti’s islands, Tortuga Island (Île de la Tortue in French), was a pirate stronghold in the seventeenth century.
    9. Île a Vache (Cow Island) lies off Haiti’s southern coast and is so named because it was once overrun by wild cows descended from animals abandoned by the Spanish.
    10. Haiti and Canada are the only two independent nations in the Americas that have French as an official language. Though approximately 90% of Haitians use Creole as their primary language, Creole wasn’t made an official language alongside French until 1987.
    11. Most of Haiti’s current citizens are descendants of Africans shipped to the Caribbean to work as slave laborers in earlier centuries.
Haiti is one of the most densely populated nations in the Western Hemisphere
    1. With an area of 10,714 square miles (27,750 square kilometers), Haiti is only slightly larger than Vermont. The United States is 3,794,100 square miles (9,826,675 sq. km.).
    2. Haiti is one of the least developed yet most densely populated countries in the Western Hemisphere. Its population density is 747 people per square mile (295 per sq. km.).c Comparable in size to Haiti, Vermont’s population density is 65.8 people per square mile (25.9 sq.km.).k The United States’ is 79.55 people per square miles (30.71 sq. km.).
    3. The population of Haiti is approximately 9.7 million. It is expected to reach 10.2 million in 2015.b Comparable in size to Haiti, Vermont’s population is approximately 621,760.k The population of the U.S. is 308,891,000.
    4. The hurricane season in 2008 stripped approximately 70% of Haiti’s crops. This damage was the most expensive in Haiti’s history at an estimated $1 billion.
    5. The capital Port-Au-Prince was founded in 1749 and was named for the Prince, a French ship anchored in the bay.
    6. When Christopher Columbus landed on what he later named Hispaniola in 1492, the people greeted him with offerings, unaware that he was claiming their lands for Spain. By 1508, the Hispaniola’s native Arawak/Taíno population had fallen from about 400,000 to just 60,000 due to the devastating social, political, ecological, and immunological effects of Spain’s arrival. Ten years later, less than 3,000 Arawak/Taínos remained alive on Hispaniola.
    7. Pirate activity off the northern coast of Haiti weakened Spanish control in Hispaniola and, in 1697, Spain gave France the western third of Hispaniola, which is today’s Haiti. That left the remaining part of the island, the Dominican Republic, under Spanish control.
    8. Haitian revolutionary leader Francois-Dominique Toussaint earned the nickname Toussaint-L’ Ouverture (the opening), which referred to his ability to find an opening in the enemy lines as well as opening the way for Haiti’s independence.
    9. Haiti’s former president, Francois Duvalier (“Papa Doc”), created the National Security Volunteers in 1957. A dreaded security force, it was also called the Tonton Macoutes, after the Haitian folk figure Tonton Macoute (Uncle Knapsack) who carries off small children at night.
    10. Throughout the mid and late twentieth centuries, Haiti experienced a “brain drain” as educated professionals and business people left the nation to escape brutal dictators. This exodus weakened Haiti because it was left with fewer and fewer skilled workers to run businesses, health centers, government offices, and schools.
    11. Descendants of African slaves make up 95% of Haiti’s population. The other 5% are mulattos, descendants of French planters and African slaves, and whites. Haiti also has a small population of Middle Easterners, descendants of Syrian and Lebanese people who came to Haiti in the nineteenth century.
    12. Nearly 79% of Haiti’s people live in rural areas.
    13. Haiti is the second oldest independent nation in the Western Hemisphere, after the United States.
    14. From 1804-1915, more than 70 dictators ruled Haiti.
    15. Jean-Bertrand Aristide won Haiti’s first free election in December 1990. He fled the country a year later after being ousted in a military coup. He was president again from 1994-1996 and then from 2001 to 2004, when he was ousted again.
There is one hospital bed for every 10,000 Haitians
    1. In Haiti, there is one hospital bed for every 10,000 inhabitants. There are only about eight doctors and 10 nurses for every 100,000 inhabitants.
    2. The life expectancy for Haiti is low: 50 years for men and 53 years for women.
    3. Haitians have the lowest caloric intake in the Americas, which has led to chronic and often fatal diseases.d An estimated 25-40% of children under five suffer chronic malnutrition.
    4. Anemia affects 59% of Haitian children between the ages of six months and five years.
    5. The first recorded smallpox outbreak in the Americas occurred in Hispaniola in 1507.
    6. Families who live in the country spend almost 60% of their income on food. The poorest groups spend more than 70%.
    7. Haiti has been ranked as one of the five most corrupt countries.
    8. The infant mortality rate in Haiti is high at 74 deaths per 1,000 births. The maternal mortality rate is also high: about 520 deaths per 100,000 births (compared to just 14 maternal deaths per 100,000 births in the United States).
    9. Even before the 2010 earthquake, only 54% of Haitians had access to sanitation facilities (toilets, indoor plumbing, sewer systems). Less than half had a regular source of safe drinking water.
    10. Most rivers in Haiti are polluted with human and other waste. Diseases such as hookworm and typhoid, which are transmitted by contaminated food and water, are common in Haiti.
    11. In the early 1980s, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention traced a number of the first AIDS cases in the U.S. to Haitian immigrants.
    12. Eighty percent of schools in Haiti are private, and religious groups run many of them. The remaining 20% are state-run. Students learn their lessons in both French and Creole.
    13. Haiti has only one public university: the University of Haiti in Port-au-Prince founded in 1944. Most wealthy students attend college outside of Haiti.
On average, girls in Haiti attend just two years of school
    1. Only about 40% of school-aged children attend school regularly.
    2. Women were granted the right to vote in 1957, though many women still suffer from discrimination and mistreatment. The Haitian justice system rarely punishes men for abusing women.
    3. The typical Haitian woman will have five children in her lifetime. Because the Roman Catholic Church discourages birth control, birth control is not readily available. Less than 20% of married women use birth control, and abortion is illegal.
    4. Most human rights experts agree that the worst abuses of Haitian children involve young people called retavecs, or poor children who work as house servants for urban families. Their parents hope that host families will feed and educate their children, but some hosts physically and sexually abuse the resavecs. Experts estimate that 300,000 Haitian children are living as slaves.
    5. Before the 2010 earthquake, the U.S. Labor Department estimates that between 5,000 and 10,000 Haitian children were homeless. Many resort to begging or prostitution to survive. Other children are trafficked to foreign countries.
    6. During radical ex-priest Jean-Bertrand Aristide’s second term as president, the government established Voodoo as a state religion along with Catholicism.
    7. Haiti’s entire annual budget is $300 million, less than that of many small cities in the United States. Since the 1980s, its economy has shrunk steadily.
    8. Thousands of Haitians were ruined when pyramid investment schemes collapsed. While Haitians lost about $200 million investing in these scams, the co-op founders acquired millions on the proceeds.
    9. In 2003, the U.S. Coast Guard picked up 2,000 Haitian boat people trying to reach U.S. shores, more than from any other Caribbean nation. Most were returned to Haiti.
    10. Over 40% of the population is under 14 years old, creating a high dependency ratio.
    11. Haiti has the highest incidence of HIV/AIDS in the Western Hemisphere. One in 50 people are infected.
    12. Half of the children in Haiti are unvaccinated, and just 40% of the population has access to basic health care.
    13. Approximately 1% of Haiti’s population owns more than 50% of the nation’s wealth.
    14. An estimated 1.5 million Haitians live outside the country, mostly in Miami, New York, Boston, and Montreal. About 300,000 Haitian immigrants live in Florida alone.
    15. The United States is Haiti’s biggest trade partner. More than half of Haitian imports come from the United States, and more than 80% of its exports go to the United States.
    16. Haiti is a hub for the trafficking of illegal drugs—especially cocaine—between South and Central America, Europe, and the United States. Some Haitians even traffic human laborers, especially children.
    17. Haiti has 2,583 miles (4,160 km.) of highways. Only 628 miles (1,011km.) of those roads are paved.
Rebuilding Haiti after the January 2010 earthquake could take decades
  1. More than 200,000 Haitians died and millions were left homeless in a devastating earthquake in January 2010. It was the strongest earthquake to hit the region in more than 200 years.
  2. Since 2004, approximately 8,000 peacekeepers from the U.N. Stabilization Mission in Haiti (MINUSTAH) help keep peace in Haiti.
  3. Very few Haitians own cars: fewer than 5 out of 1,000. There is no railroad in Haiti. In the cities, people often take communal taxis and colorful public buses called “taptaps.”
  4. Haiti has 14 airports, of which only four have paved runways.
  5. In 1963, Hurricane Flora killed approximately 8,000 people in Haiti, the sixth highest death toll from an Atlantic hurricane in recorded history.
  6. In 2008, Haiti had only 108,000 telephone lines. The country with the most telephone lines in 2008 was China with 356,600,000 million. The United States was second with 150,000,000.
  7. In 2008, Haitians used 3,200,000 cell phones. Chine had the most cell phones in the world with 634,000,000; India had 545,000,000, and the United States was third with 270,000,000.
  8. In 2008, one million people in Haiti had access to the Internet (users who had access anywhere from several times a week to only once over several months). China had 298 million, and the United States had 231 million.
  9. Rape in Haiti has long been a problem and is often used as a political weapon. After the 2010 earthquake, some men handing out coupons for food distribution would demand sexual favors.
  10. Experts claim that it will take decades for Haiti to recover from the January 2010 earthquake. Nearly 75% of the capital will need to be rebuilt, not from zero, but from, as officials declare, “below zero.” Recovery plans include completely rebuilding basic sectors such as health, agriculture, governance and security, and infrastructure.

— Posted April 12, 2010


This is no way to live – for anyone, let alone an innocent child.  I may not be able to do everything, but I can give one child access to education and health care and just love the stuffing out of them!



ciao 2015

Instead of being all young sad and blue that my 2015 wasn’t really MY year of greatness (it was kinda shitty for the most part – especially the end), I decided to look at some awesome things instead.

1. What did you do this year that you’re proud of?

I applied for the Supervisor role at my work.  Even though I eventually was unsuccessful, I tried.  I put my best foot forward and I helped my two friends who I adore (and who were successful) and I did it all with a smile on my face and true, genuine happiness in my heart.

2.What were some times that you laughed so hard you could barely breathe?

My summer at the cottage with Kim and her family.  Our evenings by the campfire were some of the most fun times I have had – and most nights ended with me bawling from laughing so hard! “Eddie threw bugs on us”!!!

3. What were quotes that you loved this year?

From Tina Fey – I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home.  I didn’t used to have to do that.  But now I do.

4. What is your favorite photo from this year?

This photo was taken before I left on my Dominican trip with my family – Simba always is my favorite – he’s so sweet!


5. Who are people that you believe are bringing out the best in you?

I have an amazing group of girlfriends that make me – me! To name a few, Kim, Nancy B, Erin, Agnes, Sarah, Alex, Dawn, Tammy, Rochelle, Kristi, Nancy W and so many more.  I love you all

And finally…

6. What are some things you’d like to focus and work on in the next year?

Obviously the adoption will be my ONLY priority, but at the same time I also need to work on my, my health both physically and mentally, to prepare myself for being a mother.  This is my focus.

Love Nicole


Why I fear I’ll never have a baby

When you are going through artificial insemination and have had 5 unsuccessful attempts (2 medicated), you start to think – is it me?  Am I not meant to be a mother?  Can I accept that reality?  Can I financially afford IVF – can I emotionally not afford it?  From the earliest memories I have, I knew I was going to be a mommy.  All I wanted was to be a stay at home mom raising my children and taking care of my home and my husband.  Those dreams have shifted, since to this point the “husband” part of those dreams didn’t work out.  I independently, head strong and bravely went about the route so many women have to take and we go about it all alone.

But it hasn’t worked out for me.  Yet.

I decided to look back at my cycle, as I’ve always been pretty regular between 28-30 days with a 7 day period.  Lately, that hasn’t been the case – so I went back 6 months (February 2015) and I am troubled by what I have found.

February – Day 26 with a 4 day period

March – day 26 with a 9 day period (ya I remember this shitty month)

April – day 31 with a 5 day period

May – day 22 with an 8 day period (again, I was miserable for a while!)

June – day 44 with a 7 day period

July – day 33 with a 6 day period

August – I am going on day 36 with no period in site…

How is someone supposed to get pregnant when her cycle is so messed up? When the hell am I even ovulating?  I have no man in my life, no man who wants to be a part of the amazing world I have started to build myself so what do I do…

I call my doctor.  I need to see her and show her whats been going on…I need another round of cycle monitoring, I need to nip this in the bud!  I can’t go another year childless. How is it that women who don’t want children get pregnant and women that want nothing more than to carry her own baby struggles and risks everything to have what should come so naturally?

I’ll keep you all posted what the doctor says…




30 will one day be 50 – hopefully

Last night, as I was bawling watching Derek Shepherd die a tragic death on Greys Anatomy, I decided to scroll through my Facebook feed in the hopes of being cheered up!  I found an article I had to read.  It was titled “20 Things To Do When You’re 30 That Will Make Life Better At 50″ by Beth Buczynski. Being 34, and hoping to live a nice long life with those I love, I thought I would take a quick read and see what’s going on.  The article was interesting, not surprising really, but I thought I would digest it here anyway!

1. Don’t smoke. If you’ve started, stop immediately I have stopped smoking.  I stopped in September 2014 and I don’t see me realistically starting again.  It is expensive, it does make me smell and I am already having breathing troubles from other issues so what’s the point.  I may have the odd cigarette now and then, when I am stressed or annoyed or when I damn well feel like it, but I can’t see me ever being a smoker ever again.


2. Stop eating crap This is my biggest downfall.  I eat crap all the time, everyday.  It is my Achilles heel.  I know this. I have tried to get past it, but I have failed time and again.  I will never give up trying to do better, but so far I am an EPIC failure.

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3. Maintain (or repair) relationships with parents and siblings My mom and I have a great relationship now, we didn’t always, but since 2012 we have been closer than ever.  My father, before he passed, was my best friend.  I am grateful for my parents.  My brother and I are what we are.  That relationship isn’t repairable with a few simple words, but I love him and I love his wife and I will spend as much time as humanly possible with them.

4. Stop going out in the sun without sunblock I wear sunblock all the time.  I am pale – white, with a tinge of pink.  I do tan in tanning beds and that is worse than natural sun so that I need to work on.  I try to only use them before a Caribbean vacation so I don’t burn while there, but they are addicting – even more so than cigarettes!  I love having a bronzed, feel-good body, but it’s awful for me and I am WELL aware of this.

5. Exercise regularly Like, number 2, this is my downfall.  I do not exercise – ever.  I barely walk except the dog once or twice over the weekend and I quit zumba, yoga and everything else I have tried.  I haven’t found my thing.  I want to.  I want to join a gym and have a trainer who will kick my ass Snookie Style, but so far that hasn’t happened.

6. Start saving money. Even if it’s just a tiny bit. I have done this.  I have a savings account, I have some small investments.  I need to work on stopping the spending, but I do have savings!untitled 2

7. Learn to be content with what you have. I have this problem, I always want more…more clothes, more furniture, more stuff…I have a ton of stuff.  I live alone and yet I have fully decorated my house to the point where if someone else moved in with me – you know like a freaking man – I don’t know where I would put his stuff.  I kinda wanna purge, but that takes a strength I don’t currently have.

8. Don’t delay pursuing your life goals. I bought a house, I bought a car, I paid off my debt, I have a great job and 2 degrees.  I want to have a husband, and in lieu of that, a child.  I have been trying with no success to have a baby of my own and I will keep trying.  I have been on every dating website known to man and I have not yet met that someone special, but I have not given up.  I will always pursue new goals.  In fact, one of my “musts” for a man is that he has goals he wants to pursue.

9. Get some sleep. I sleep – all the time.  Enough said.

10. Take care of your teeth I am starting to floss more and I am getting Invisilign to straighten out my bite so I am taking care of them more than I have in the past.  It’s costing me an arm and a leg, but I strongly dislike my teeth and I am excited to have them straight and then get them whitened.  Having quit smoking I can at least hope the yellow stains won’t reappear!


11. Collect memories instead of things I’m working on it.  I am doing more with friends and I am taking pictures and scrapbooking everything.  I still collect things, but I am trying.

12. Give something back I have volunteered in the past – quite a bit, but I haven’t lately. I will look into it again when I have a child (or children) because I want them to have the desire to help others. I want to teach them the joy of giving back.

13. Be curious and do one thing that scares you every day I am curious by nature and I do new things – not every day, but a few times throughout the year for sure.  I have zip lined through the Dominican, walked around the edge of the CN Tower and swam with sharks!  I like to do things that scare me and I look forward to many more – memories right!!

14. Read at least 10 books a year I have already read ten books this year.  I am in a book club, guaranteeing I will read 12 per year, but I have taken on the #50bookspledge for 2015 and I am hoping to reach my goal – or at least come close!

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15. Travel. As much as possible, whenever you can. I do.  I love travelling!

16. Learn to meditate this is on my summer – to do list.  I feel meditation would help me a lot with my anxiety!

17. Do you Again, I do!  I only have me.  I will have to remind myself of this when I have a child and/or a husband!

18. Keep a journal I blog here and I scrapbook, which is like a mini journal because I use journalling cards for my Project Life scrapbook.

19. Become a homeowner. I am and it’s terrifying!  I love my house, but I don’t know how to do a lot of things and need to rely on others a lot.

20. Take care of your friends I do.  I see my friends regularly and I make a point of texting or reaching out to them as often as I can or remember to.  In fact I think I am gonna go text two of them now whom I haven’t seen or talked to lately!


Seems I’m on a good track to turning 50 with a healthy outlook!

Love Nicole


Don’t read if your easily queasy

Monday morning I woke up anxious from a bad dream…I had suffered a miscarriage at 6 months and no one was around to help me, I was alone and terrified.  When I woke up, my stomach was flat (meaning not hugely pregnant like I had been in my dream) and Simba licked my elbow and I smiled.  It was just a dream.  I went to the bathroom and my first five minutes of my day were normal.  What happened after was not.

I was lying down rubbing Simba’s belly waking him up to begin our day like I always do and when I stood up to get my clothes and it felt like I was peeing! I could feel the wetness running down my legs.  I shrieked and ran back to the bathroom ripping off my pajama pants and there was blood, not urine, everywhere!  Blood droplets on the floor, blood all over my thighs and of course my pj pants were ruined.  I actually trembled thinking I had miscarried and I just wanted the bleeding to stop.  Finally after cleaning myself up I called my friend Agnes who has had her share of pregnancy horror stories and she said I could be having a miscarriage but because I would be less than two weeks pregnant it would be hard to tell.  Tearing up, I hung up and called my clinic leaving a message for them to call me back ASAP.

I got dressed and checked to make sure I wasn’t bleeding anymore – I wasn’t really so it was all good. I went to work.

When the clinic called me back she said to come in Thursday for my scheduled pregnancy test and that it could be implantation bleeding, a miscarriage or my period.  Of course I had NO idea what implantation bleeding was and immediately turned to good old google to determine.  After some research it was possible, but later that night…I got my period.

For the past three days (Tuesday to today) my period has been heavier than I have EVER experienced it in my 20 years of “being a woman” and of course today my test came back negative.  No pregnancy.  No implantation bleeding, no baby…

My heart hurts. 

It’s ironic, when I was growing up (teenage years) I had a strange inclination that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because where my friends where getting pregnant from just looking at penis’ I was not *thank God cause i didn’t want to at the time* but I was never responsible with my birth control pills and went off them 7 years ago because I kept forgetting them and relied instead on inconsistent condom use to prevent pregnancy.  I feel like I took to many “oops” chances through the years and the fact that none of those “oops” turned into a baby I feel means I won’t get pregnant – at least not easily. 

Clearly easy isn’t how this is going to work for me.  This was my first round of IUI on Clomid and it didn’t work.  I have two viles of sperm left from my donor and if I use them up I will either need to purchase more of the same donor or look for a new one.  So many choices, so many options, however at this point I am not having any of it.  I am taking this month off to focus on me.  I have gained about 10 pds since my dad passed and on my short frame it might as well have been 100.  I need to at least lose that 10 pds and focus on my health – including taking my vitamins.  With the move coming up next week, I will spend that entire weekend unpacking and grocery shopping.  It’s needed and I need to do something to try to make my damn body a safe, happy place for fertilization. I hope all my lady followers who are going through the same struggles as myself that your luck is better than mine and that you see success soon! 




I feel like a pin cushion – in a good way

This morning I completed my second round of acupuncture and I realized a few things:

  1. My skin has a bad reaction to everything. I have a small rash on my wrists that makes me look like a cutter from the pins that were pushed into them.  My toes are still a bit itchy from where the two small needles jutted out.  I really hope Koko Bean gets her biological father’s skin and I hope for Koko Beans sake that his skin is better than mine.
  2. My brain Never. Shuts. Up.  Seriously.  I get 25 minutes of peace and quiet, in a darkened room, no dog, no colleagues, no family, no phones, lying on a bed and instead of being able to focus on my breathing I am thinking of my blog, of Koko Bean, of work, of Simba, of my mom, of Tammy’s upcoming birthday dinner, of the books I am waiting to arrive from Chapters and of pretty much every other thing BUT relaxing.  Trust me, every time my thoughts would drift I would shift it back to my breathing, but within ten seconds I am back thinking of something else. I need help.
  3. I have no shame.  When I was young and first started getting pap smears and yearly physical’s from doctors I would shave my legs, put on nice smelling lotion and have a fresh pedicure or at least have my toe nails with no polish and clean.  As an adult (young adult…lol) I don’t care.  I have seen my acupuncturist twice and both times my legs were hairy and my pedicure is in desperate need for some attention!  Listen, I don’t have a man in my life and summer is over so shaving my legs becomes an afterthought.  I do shave my legs in the fall and winter-but like twice a week and this week has been so busy I have only done it once – boohoo, sue me.  My naturopath is fine with it.  I am fine with it.  I’ll shave tonight – or tomorrow. Maybe.

I love Dr. B.  She is great and so warm and welcoming.  Like Dr. G, the doctor taking care of insemination at First Steps, she has made this whole experience a great one.  I feel important, not like a number.  Granted I am paying an arm and a leg for this process, so I should be treated well, but no one I have dealt with so far makes me feel like they are just happy about my money.  They genuinely seem happy for me.  If at the end of all this, the poking, the prodding, the tests, the blood samples, the cash transactions,  I have a beautiful little Koko Bean, it will be ALL worth it.  I cannot wait to share with you all this journey, our journey – mine and Koko Beans.