When I first started my journey to being a mom (through insemination) I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Sunshine and rainbows would not be in my immediate future, but I knew without a doubt it would be worth it. All the poking and prodding and monitoring of my cycle would be agonizing, but I was okay with all of it. It was a means to an end.
In November of 2015 when I started the adoption process, I knew my journey was going to become much harder, even more invasive and much more expensive, but again I knew in my heart that it was what I needed to do.
The realities of this journey have surprised even me, me the girl who plans and reads and researches and re-plans and re-reads everything!
The costs – financially are exorbitant. For the first year I literally was in the bank on a monthly (sometimes weekly!) basis moving money around and getting money orders to pay everyone under the sun. My money – it’s running out. Well in reality it has run out. I am actually looking forward to re-mortgaging my house when it comes up so I can pay off the debt and have my nest egg (which is going towards paying the second half of my adoption costs) settled. The thing that kills me is that none of this money has gone towards my sweet little child who I don’t even know yet!
Every penny, paid to whomever, is worth it.
The costs – emotionally are exhausting. I see people I have connected with in chat groups get their referrals, their Visas, their Exit letters and of course their homecomings and I am jealous. Not like the boy I like, likes another girl jealous – but WHY NOT ME???!!! jealous and that is an envy that isn’t fair to anyone.
Every tear and sad face is worth it.
I don’t have a partner to share in my grief. Most people who adopt have that special someone that they can lean on when the wait becomes to long. They have someone to talk to who understands and most of all is REALLY REALLY interested in everything you are thinking and hoping for. My friends and family love me and they care and are excited for me, but they don’t have the same passion obviously as a spouse would have and sometimes I feel completely alone.
Every ounce of longing is worth it.
I don’t have a partner to share my fears with. There is a Hurricane blowing in quickly and fiercely. My child, the one I don’t know, is living there, as are hundreds of other children, with no parents to wrap them in their arms and keep them safe. The sweet nannies and creche directors I know do everything they can, but nothing replaces a mother or fathers warm embrace. With every update on Hurricane Irma, my anxiety rises and my prayers become deeper and longer. Other people are disappointed their Caribbean vacation spots will be destroyed – I am terrified, the child meant for me, will be harmed or that their biological family will be injured, it takes everything in me not to scream.
Every prayer and raised heartbeat is worth it.
Co-parenting will not be my reality. I was with my friend and her husband this weekend – as I am most weekends, and their youngest was having trouble pooping. She had been constipated for a couple of days and she was screaming and crying not wanting to poop. What a simple concept for us adults. You have to poop. She was bribed, begged and pleaded with for over an hour and her parents were lucky – they had each other to tag out. When one needed a break to get out of that small cottage bathroom, the other was there. When my kid refuses to poop – and don’t they all at some point – it will be me. My patience will be tested. My frustration levels and anxiety will be pushed to the limits. My kid will stomp on my buttons and I can’t push back. I am the adult. The only adult. I have no one to tag out with and that reality kicked me pretty hard this weekend as I looked down on that sad little face of a girl who wouldn’t poop.
I can handle this. Not only can I handle this, I WILL handle this and while I know sometimes I will fail, sometimes I’ll barely pass, my child will NEVER doubt that they are loved. They will always have a soft spot to fall and that is something we all need a little more of.