0

Patience – declutter

Anyone waiting for a child, anyone going through this whole adoption process (which is long and seems never-ending) probably had a rough holiday.  There was no pitter patter of little feet as my young child squealed with delight to see what Santa left them.  There was no baking of cookies, no Christmas pj’s and no snuggling under blankets while we watched Rudolph or Frosty.

My patience level is pretty strong. I have come to accept that the holidays will be hard.  That I can’t celebrate the way I want to – the way my heart desires to.

So instead of focusing on the negative (kinda), I have been busy decluttering.  Remember that list???  I kept parts of it going.

Over the holidays (where I worked everyday except the mandatory days off) I took care of the following:

  • those stupid buttons that have been in random zip-lock bags all over my house – gone!
  • All the clothes that I haven’t worn in one year – sold some to my mom and will keep the rest to sell in a future garage sale
  • All my Twilight magazines from when I was OBSESSED with Edward and Bella – recycled!
  • Old bedding…garbage
  • all wrapping paper scraps and old bows and ribbon – recycled or garbage!
  • Sports bras – they were already trashed…seriously I hate those things
  • CD’s.  I had a whole box of CD’s that I don’t know why I even had in the first place?!  TRASH
  • Nail polish.  I had 34 bottles, I know have 7.  I threw out old, ugly and messy bottles!!
  • People…sorry, but I deleted 13 people off my Facebook – I un-friended people I am not actually friends with or whose life I don’t really care about…
  • Scarves and mitts and hats – donated to the local women’s shelter!
  • Digital photos on phone…I went through all of my photo’s and deleted a ton of photo’s.  Probably like 100!

It felt good.  It felt like I was doing something, anything to get past the bad feelings and sadness that only the holiday’s can bring.  Keep busy…this is what I have learned to pass the days…

Love

Nicole

Advertisements
2

The realities of a single woman adopting from Haiti

When I first started my journey to being a mom (through insemination) I knew it wouldn’t be easy.  Sunshine and rainbows would not be in my immediate future, but I knew without a doubt it would be worth it.  All the poking and prodding and monitoring of my cycle would be agonizing, but I was okay with all of it.  It was a means to an end.

In November of 2015 when I started the adoption process, I knew my journey was going to become much harder, even more invasive and much more expensive, but again I knew in my heart that it was what I needed to do.

The realities of this journey have surprised even me, me the girl who plans and reads and researches and re-plans and re-reads everything!

The costs – financially are exorbitant.  For the first year I literally was in the bank on a monthly (sometimes weekly!) basis moving money around and getting money orders to pay everyone under the sun.  My money – it’s running out.  Well in reality it has run out.  I am actually looking forward to re-mortgaging my house when it comes up so I can pay off the debt and have my nest egg (which is going towards paying the second half of my adoption costs) settled. The thing that kills me is that none of this money has gone towards my sweet little child who I don’t even know yet!

Every penny, paid to whomever, is worth it.

The costs – emotionally are exhausting.  I see people I have connected with in chat groups get their referrals, their Visas, their Exit letters and of course their homecomings and I am jealous.  Not like the boy I like, likes another girl jealous – but WHY NOT ME???!!! jealous and that is an envy that isn’t fair to anyone.

Every tear and sad face is worth it.

I don’t have a partner to share in my grief.  Most people who adopt have that special someone that they can lean on when the wait becomes to long.  They have someone to talk to who understands and most of all is REALLY REALLY interested in everything you are thinking and hoping for. My friends and family love me and they care and are excited for me, but they don’t have the same passion obviously as a spouse would have and sometimes I feel completely alone.

Every ounce of longing is worth it.

I don’t have a partner to share my fears with.  There is a Hurricane blowing in quickly and fiercely.  My child, the one I don’t know, is living there, as are hundreds of other children, with no parents to wrap them in their arms and keep them safe.  The sweet nannies and creche directors I know do everything they can, but nothing replaces a mother or fathers warm embrace. With every update on Hurricane Irma, my anxiety rises and my prayers become deeper and longer.  Other people are disappointed their Caribbean vacation spots will be destroyed – I am terrified, the child meant for me, will be harmed or that their biological family will be injured, it takes everything in me not to scream.

Every prayer and raised heartbeat is worth it.

Co-parenting will not be my reality.  I was with my friend and her husband this weekend – as I am most weekends, and their youngest was having trouble pooping.  She had been constipated for a couple of days and she was screaming and crying not wanting to poop.  What a simple concept for us adults.  You have to poop.  She was bribed, begged and pleaded with for over an hour and her parents were lucky – they had each other to tag out.  When one needed a break to get out of that small cottage bathroom, the other was there.  When my kid refuses to poop – and don’t they all at some point – it will be me.  My patience will be tested.  My frustration levels and anxiety will be pushed to the limits.  My kid will stomp on my buttons and I can’t push back. I am the adult.  The only adult.  I have no one to tag out with and that reality kicked me pretty hard this weekend as I looked down on that sad little face of a girl who wouldn’t poop.

I can handle this.  Not only can I handle this, I WILL handle this and while I know sometimes I will fail, sometimes I’ll barely pass, my child will NEVER doubt that they are loved.  They will always have a soft spot to fall and that is something we all need a little more of.

Love Nicole

 

5

Seasons of wait

When I see friends whom I haven’t talked to in awhile, the standard first question is “how was your summer?”  I don’t have much to say other than – “alright”.  I went to the cottage, spent time with friends and family and waited.  Waited for reports to be finished and most recently (since the beginning of August) waited to be approved as ADOPT READY.  This has been another really long wait.  I know being a mom will require patience and understanding, but testing me through long wait periods of documents being signed and approved isn’t really helping me!

Once I am ADOPT READY, I can submit my dossier to my agency, have everything translated, give them a kidney and possibly a lung to cover the costs and THEN finally have my documents sent to HAITI.  Sadly, this is when the longest wait will be.  I will possibly wait a year or more to be matched with a child.  A year or more of my baby growing up in the Creche (Orphanage).  A year or more of possible Hurricanes destroying his/her land.  A year or more of them not knowing who their mother is.  Not knowing how needed and loved and wanted they are.

The wait is painful.  The only thing that makes is bearable is knowing that my child is there waiting for me too.  They need me to be patient.  They need me to relax and be calm and have my ducks in a line.  They need me to be healthy.  They need me to have my finances all in order.  They need me.  For them I will wait.  For them, and only them, I will take a breath today and accept that waiting is part of the process.  I will suffer through more seasons – fall, winter, spring and summer – with the faith that when everything is right and the stars have aligned – my turn will come.  I will get to be a mommy.  For now I will read the blogs, I will chime in on the numerous Facebook groups dedicated to adoption and I will wait.

Love

Nicole

3

Is it to early??

In September, when I was at the mall, I saw some Christmas items already placed out for sale.  The majority of the stores were prepared for Hallowe’en and Thanksgiving, but Christmas was starting to sprout its roots over Toronto. Even I threw up my nose in disgust!  I hadn’t even bought Simba’s Hallowe’en costume, let alone a nice warm Christmas sweater!

I never get ready for Christmas until after Remembrance Day, I was taught that it was disrespectful (though how I don’t know because really, I can respect soldiers under a twinkling Christmas tree!) however I wait.  Patiently I check off the days and after November 11th it’s no holds bar!

This year with my first house, I have a mantle and hence I have bought a garland to drape across it, some gold candles, a gold wreath for the door and I have also placed out all my Hallmark snowmen.  I have the few Christmas crafts up that I made as a child and this weekend my tree will go up and the rest of the house will be completed!

Some people thinks it’s to soon.  That December 1st is the first day that is acceptable to put up Christmas decorations.  If I were American I would agree because their Thanksgiving is the end of November.  Ours was October…why do I need to wait??  I like Christmas and it makes me happy.  Not a lot of things make me happy – truly heart warmingly happy, so I am going all out for Christmas this weekend!

Next weekend I will have started and completed my Christmas shopping with my sister-in-law, because we are doing our annual Black Friday trip and a week or so after that I will invite my oldest niece over to wrap presents and continue my dads tradition with her of Swiss Chalet and Christmas music!  It’s fun and fun = good!

My christmas cards have been signed and sealed for almost two weeks now, but I won’t mail them until the day I leave for Grove City, which means people will get them on December 1st.  I have over 40 cards to write out so I do it while I watch tv so I get them all done.  Also, I don’t give everyone the same card – I use different cards for different families as I buy a ton of cards after Christmas to save money.  I like them to be a bit more personal so some cards have special messages – my old stomping ground peeps all have a message this year because it’s my first Christmas not having it at my dads house, not living and waking up on Sedgemount.  This is hard, yet special for me.

Last Christmas was postponed due to Ice Storm Toronto 2013, so this year I am praying for NO snow.  I know, I know, I’m sorry.  I have to drive to my brother’s family’s house this year so I’d prefer no snow/ice to make the drive a little less chaotic – and wet – I hate wet dog smell and it’s the 18th of November and Simba has been out twice already with snow and he smells gross when he’s wet.  Just sayin’…

So if you are like some of my friends who have had their trees up and presents wrapped for weeks – good for you!  If you are like the other half who curse everyone whose thinking Christmas already – good for you too!  We can all do whatever we want and the good thing is, is that NO ONES opinion matters. This is a personal choice and I have made mine!

Have fun and love each other people!  That’s what this season is all about!

Love

Nicole