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ten minutes

Cottage living, nothing beats it.  Every summer with Kim and her family, the sites, the sounds and smells are so familiar to me now I can’t imagine a life without them.

On Saturday’s boat ride, coming back from Jeff’s friends cottage where Kim, Meaghan and I had no luck at fishing, Mya, (Kims daughter) sat in my lap for about ten minutes (which never happens – she is a mama’s girl at heart).

Her blond curls were tickling my nose from the cold wind and she was wrapped up tight in a towel around her puffy blue life jacket.  Her head was resting against my chest and I was wondering if she would fall asleep again as she always falls asleep on boat rides! She was telling me stories and pointing at all of the Canadian flags as we sped by.  I gently pressed my lips against her head and closed my eyes for just a moment and imagined when my own sweet boy or girl would be placed in my lap enjoying their new life in Canada at the cottage.  It will be then that the sites and sounds and smells will change – everything will be seen through new eyes – through the eyes of my child.

Mya is around the age my own child will be so having her be so willing to spend her time with me just makes me feel like a kid in a candy store!  I smile a bit brighter and the sadness and aching of not having my own child eases a little, knowing I will have a future as a mother and am right now getting to build my relationships with my extended family and their children.

For the rest of this week, I will hold tightly to the memory of those sweet curls blowing across my face and the warmth her tiny little soul provided me – even if it was only for ten minutes.

Love

Nicole

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2

30 will one day be 50 – hopefully

Last night, as I was bawling watching Derek Shepherd die a tragic death on Greys Anatomy, I decided to scroll through my Facebook feed in the hopes of being cheered up!  I found an article I had to read.  It was titled “20 Things To Do When You’re 30 That Will Make Life Better At 50″ by Beth Buczynski. Being 34, and hoping to live a nice long life with those I love, I thought I would take a quick read and see what’s going on.  The article was interesting, not surprising really, but I thought I would digest it here anyway!

1. Don’t smoke. If you’ve started, stop immediately I have stopped smoking.  I stopped in September 2014 and I don’t see me realistically starting again.  It is expensive, it does make me smell and I am already having breathing troubles from other issues so what’s the point.  I may have the odd cigarette now and then, when I am stressed or annoyed or when I damn well feel like it, but I can’t see me ever being a smoker ever again.

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2. Stop eating crap This is my biggest downfall.  I eat crap all the time, everyday.  It is my Achilles heel.  I know this. I have tried to get past it, but I have failed time and again.  I will never give up trying to do better, but so far I am an EPIC failure.

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3. Maintain (or repair) relationships with parents and siblings My mom and I have a great relationship now, we didn’t always, but since 2012 we have been closer than ever.  My father, before he passed, was my best friend.  I am grateful for my parents.  My brother and I are what we are.  That relationship isn’t repairable with a few simple words, but I love him and I love his wife and I will spend as much time as humanly possible with them.

4. Stop going out in the sun without sunblock I wear sunblock all the time.  I am pale – white, with a tinge of pink.  I do tan in tanning beds and that is worse than natural sun so that I need to work on.  I try to only use them before a Caribbean vacation so I don’t burn while there, but they are addicting – even more so than cigarettes!  I love having a bronzed, feel-good body, but it’s awful for me and I am WELL aware of this.

5. Exercise regularly Like, number 2, this is my downfall.  I do not exercise – ever.  I barely walk except the dog once or twice over the weekend and I quit zumba, yoga and everything else I have tried.  I haven’t found my thing.  I want to.  I want to join a gym and have a trainer who will kick my ass Snookie Style, but so far that hasn’t happened.

6. Start saving money. Even if it’s just a tiny bit. I have done this.  I have a savings account, I have some small investments.  I need to work on stopping the spending, but I do have savings!untitled 2

7. Learn to be content with what you have. I have this problem, I always want more…more clothes, more furniture, more stuff…I have a ton of stuff.  I live alone and yet I have fully decorated my house to the point where if someone else moved in with me – you know like a freaking man – I don’t know where I would put his stuff.  I kinda wanna purge, but that takes a strength I don’t currently have.

8. Don’t delay pursuing your life goals. I bought a house, I bought a car, I paid off my debt, I have a great job and 2 degrees.  I want to have a husband, and in lieu of that, a child.  I have been trying with no success to have a baby of my own and I will keep trying.  I have been on every dating website known to man and I have not yet met that someone special, but I have not given up.  I will always pursue new goals.  In fact, one of my “musts” for a man is that he has goals he wants to pursue.

9. Get some sleep. I sleep – all the time.  Enough said.

10. Take care of your teeth I am starting to floss more and I am getting Invisilign to straighten out my bite so I am taking care of them more than I have in the past.  It’s costing me an arm and a leg, but I strongly dislike my teeth and I am excited to have them straight and then get them whitened.  Having quit smoking I can at least hope the yellow stains won’t reappear!

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11. Collect memories instead of things I’m working on it.  I am doing more with friends and I am taking pictures and scrapbooking everything.  I still collect things, but I am trying.

12. Give something back I have volunteered in the past – quite a bit, but I haven’t lately. I will look into it again when I have a child (or children) because I want them to have the desire to help others. I want to teach them the joy of giving back.

13. Be curious and do one thing that scares you every day I am curious by nature and I do new things – not every day, but a few times throughout the year for sure.  I have zip lined through the Dominican, walked around the edge of the CN Tower and swam with sharks!  I like to do things that scare me and I look forward to many more – memories right!!

14. Read at least 10 books a year I have already read ten books this year.  I am in a book club, guaranteeing I will read 12 per year, but I have taken on the #50bookspledge for 2015 and I am hoping to reach my goal – or at least come close!

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15. Travel. As much as possible, whenever you can. I do.  I love travelling!

16. Learn to meditate this is on my summer – to do list.  I feel meditation would help me a lot with my anxiety!

17. Do you Again, I do!  I only have me.  I will have to remind myself of this when I have a child and/or a husband!

18. Keep a journal I blog here and I scrapbook, which is like a mini journal because I use journalling cards for my Project Life scrapbook.

19. Become a homeowner. I am and it’s terrifying!  I love my house, but I don’t know how to do a lot of things and need to rely on others a lot.

20. Take care of your friends I do.  I see my friends regularly and I make a point of texting or reaching out to them as often as I can or remember to.  In fact I think I am gonna go text two of them now whom I haven’t seen or talked to lately!

😉

Seems I’m on a good track to turning 50 with a healthy outlook!

Love Nicole

2

The Power of Touch

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Touch is the first sense we acquire, and it is a building block for our relationships. When you don’t have a relationship, it’s the one thing that goes missing from your life that you don’t even realize is gone until it comes back again in one form or another.

Everyone knows I am an extremely affectionate person.  I greet my friends and family with hugs and kisses and I constantly place my hand on someones shoulder, arm or leg if I am talking with them.  It’s important to me to be able to touch someone without it being weird or creepy or worse – sexual harassment!  Because I am so affectionate in my day-to-day encounters with those I love, I didn’t even realize I missed being touched until last night.

I had booked a facial with my Esthetician whom I have known for years and my favourite part of the facial is the 20 minute face and upper chest massage that they do.  During those quiet 20 minutes I was so relaxed and was just enjoying being touched.  Having someone rub my arms and touch my face were peaceful and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

Think of it – I have been sick for six weeks!  When you are a child and you are sick, your mom or dad snuggles you and cuddles you to make you feel better.  When you are an adult and are sick, you have a partner who can snuggle or cuddle you.  I have had no one.  I lie on the couch, isolated and alone – well to be honest Simba has been obsessed with me since the day I got him and even more so when I am sick!  So to have Bessie rub my temples, my head, my shoulders, and my neck felt so good I could have cried.

It’s amazing what you don’t even know you miss until randomly you get it again.  Never have I once thought to myself these past few years of being single that I have missed human touch and affection, but a nice massage from someone I trust and BOOM it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Most of you won’t understand.  It’s not a sexual touch that I miss (well, maybe) but a personal one.  Those of you with children or spouses will have no clue as to what I am talking about or even fully understand; and while I am still not feeling well, for a brief 20 minutes I was utterly and completely at peace.

Thanks to Bessie for that

Love Nicole

2

Because I’m not a mother…

Because I am not a mother I have a lot of free time on my hands to be a great (surrogate) aunt to lots of little ones and this past weekend was no exception!

My heart and soul is always with Julia, my beautiful five-year old whose parents know I will always and forever treat her like my own; she made getting through my fathers funeral a little more bearable because she was there.  I don’t get to spend nearly as much time with her as I would like and now that I have moved out to Ajax the time between our visits has gotten longer, but she is NEVER far from my thoughts and ALWAYS in my heart.  We have an insane connection that no one can understand and I am just so glad her mom and dad respect and accept it!  I think they love it actually cause they aren’t super close to family so I am also like a little sister to them!

Anyway, this weekend, on Sunday I finally had plans to spend the day with her family and we made up for lost time!  We also planned a flower party she wants to have with her little friends this summer.  Thank you to Pinterest for making this party planning possible!  Julia, her mom and I planned everything and then advised her dad (who was the original genius behind the idea, but who is a little better at delegating than planning) who gave it the green light and now I know I will get to see my little muffin top (cause muffin tops are the best part of the muffin) next month too!

Yesterday I was blessed to spend time with both of my friend Kims kids because her oldest (who’s 4) had a t-ball game and since Yoga was cancelled due to the holiday I got to attend.  I also got to snuggle and feed her youngest (2 months) because Kim was helping with the t-ball game!  So all in all last night was a GREAT night!

I spent time with their family after the game to watch fireworks too and there was so many little kiddies around and really just sitting around talking to Kim topped off a weekend high!

This weekend would have been a lot different had I had a newborn baby to take care of.  Please don’t get me wrong, I still want my own child, more now than ever, but while I am not pregnant and have no responsibility but to myself and Simba, I am going to ensure I get as much “auntie” time with the little ones as possible…

Love

Nicole

9

Who knew dating was THIS hard!!!???

It has been a sad, lonely, two and a half years since I’ve “dated” anyone.

That is a very long time not to feel the intimacy only a couple can share, so I went back on Eharmony a few weeks ago “just to see” and was almost immediately contacted by a guy who seemed “real”.  AKA not catfishing, and nice so we completed all the guided communication steps and went straight through to text messaging. Now I know people say you should talk on the phone to make a real connection, but unless I have something urgent to say or you are family I rarely talk on the phone anymore. This is not 1999!

Anyway, our texts were long and went on for days when FINALLY he asked me to a movie Tuesday. I was excited – so excited, but I didn’t want to share this news with everyone because I didn’t want to jinx anything. I didn’t want to have to explain if it didn’t go well. So I told two people for safety purposes (you can never be to careful) – my friend Kim and my friend Agnes.

*****Earlier that day, I was also dealing with my realtor trying to sell my father’s house and he needed some information from my brother so I left an urgent message at 5:00 telling him to call me immediately. Why am I telling you this??? Because this message caused shit to hit the fan – but I’ll get to that in a minute – just remember I left him an urgent message for him to call me back at 5:00 and I called Kim and Agnes around 7:00 about my date.

I met Eharmony (really I am not telling you his name at this point) at 7:15 at the movie theater and the movie we wanted to see that started at 7:40 was already full so we decided to see Spider-man at 8:20. We had an hour to sit and talk and conversation flowed so smoothly and really just confirmed to me that I really liked this guy. When the movie started he put his arm over my shoulder and I held my hand on his thigh. There was butterflies! I was excited! YAY! My first date is FOREVER and it was going well! I came out of the movie and decided I should check my phone to see if my brother had ever decided to call me back and to advise Kim and Agnes by text that I was alive and well.

I had 29 missed phone calls. I had 26 missed text messages. I stopped Eharmony quickly and started panicking…what had happened, was my mom okay, was Simba okay?? Did my house burn down…I didn’t leave a candle lit did I ? HOLY CRAP! My anxiety was rising in front of a guy I had just met!

I was about to walk out to call someone (at this point I hadn’t even checked who had called or texted) when my phone buzzed and it was Kim asking if I was okay and where was I?  I quickly told her I was fine and at the movie with Eharmony. She told me people were at my house and that some friends and family had been looking for me all night…at first I didn’t believe her…but than I started to wonder…was the emergency me??

WHAT? My friend Dawn than called and asked where I was and if I was okay…her boyfriend Matt was on his way to Ajax to find me (but I wasn’t lost? I was now confused?)

I realized that somehow people thought me being on this date meant I had ended up meeting a crazy man who killed me and left me in a ditch…I had to say a sad goodbye to Eharmony because besides Matt, my ex-boyfriend was also on his way to find me and the idea of either of those men pulling up to me and Eharmony (who people thought had killed me) in the parking lot was too much for me to stand. Thankfully Eharmony pulled me into an amazing first kiss goodbye and I quickly jumped into my car and drove home calling Kim to find out WHAT. THE. FUCK. HAPPENED.

Here is the somewhat insane version of the story I have gotten from all the people involved:

My brother got my voice message around 7:15-7:30 and I guess thought I sounded upset or that I was crying so when he couldn’t reach me by phone or text (I was in the theater with my phone in my purse) he asked his wife Tammy to listen to it and she confirmed I sounded really upset – NOTE: I was whispering because I was at work.

Tammy somehow or for some reason called my friend April, who got a hold of my friend Nancy through Facebookwho drove to my house and then called Erin who called Kim (and I think Matt and my ex were both contacted by my sister-in-law) and every one of those people were calling, texting and driving to my house (Kim drove to the movie theater and saw my car). Now my brother had also called my mother and really – the last thing she needs is to think her poor, single daughter is lying in a ditch raped and murdered by an online predator (which FYI Eharmony is not any of those things). It wasn’t until MUCH later that Kim put together the timeline with my phone call to my brother and my phone call to her and realized my call to her was TWO HOURS after my call to him and had nothing to do with my date with Eharmony so called off the hounds friends.

WTF? I was so embarrassed and had to text and call people back all night until way past midnight (and we all remember how much I love phone conversations) and then pray that Eharmony wouldn’t think I was insane or incapable of having a night out and that he would want to see me again).

Thankfully after returning home and walking my dog (who had become anxious when Nancy was at my house knocking on the door) and calming him down, Eharmony texted me to say goodnight and that he had a great time. I apologized for the quick ending of the date and said goodnight figuring he would never message me again.

He did…the next day and every day since. We are seeing each other again tomorrow and I am so glad cause I like this guy…is he the “one”, who knows what that even means anymore…but is he nice and kind and sweet and have a lot of qualities I am looking for – yes! So time will tell…

And my family and friends…well they have all been disowned…

 

 

 

Just kidding, I love each of them so much and am overwhelmed by how much they care!

 

Love

Nicole

5

Dating Disasters as experienced by me

My whole dating career (yes I consider it a career since I put more time and energy into my dating life, or thinking about dating then anywhere else), has been one long string of disasters after another.  Whether it be my fault or their fault or lifes fault or Ghandi’s fault  or the Busted Asians (hahahah Erin) fault, every relationship I have had has ended, usually with me being hurt.

I am not going to go into detail about each relevant ex and their flaws and trash them (even though that would make for a REALLY funny blog and I am sure many of my friends would love for me to finally say something negative about some of these men), but that’s not how I roll so lets move on.

After my last IUI didn’t work I went downtown with two of my guy friends and their 5 year-old daughters.  I felt that twinge, you know the one, the one that makes you push aside your “I am woman hear me roar” thoughts and allows the “I miss having someone in my life to hang out with, go places with, spend time with and be intimate with” thoughts to shove their way violently into the forefront of my mind.  I actually considered reactivating my Eharmony account.

WHAT?

I know…I have to have said it a dozen times in the past ten years.  I hate online dating, I hate the formality of it, the awkwardness of it and just the general uncomfortableness that surrounds me and online dating.  However, with very few friends who can set me up and with a limited population that would find me attractive and appealing, I am running out of options.

I am going to wait until I have officially moved into my house to make this decision.  I don’t want to do it out of loneliness, but at the same time I want to be happy and smile some more and even though my track record has a lot of frowns and tears, there has been smiles so maybe I’ll get lucky enough to have some more.  If it doesn’t work out I can still do two more IUI’s come late Spring when planned.

Oh gosh – do any of you have any friends you can hook me up with?!  LOL…clearly I’m desperate or delusional.

Love

Nicole

1

Valentines Day

 

 I want to wish all my readers and fellow bloggers a very happy Valentines Day!  I bet most people think that as a single woman who has been hurt by love time and time again that I would hate today, dread it, shy away from it, but I don’t.  At the end of the day today is just February 14th.  I am happy that our country takes a day to celebrate love.  Sure it’s a Hallmark day where Flower shops and candy stores make millions of dollars, but these stores need this day to make up for the lack of gift giving the rest of the year so why not??? 

When I finally have Koko Bean to love and spoil damn right we will make this day special.  We will bake cookies with pink frosting, create heart-shaped crafts and make Valentines Cards for our friends and family.  WHY NOT?  

I have a few friends and acquaintances who are so bitter because their loved ones are working or don’t care for the day and dammit they want to feel special!!!!  My concern is…if you have a man (or woman) who loves you and tells you and shows you regularly why do you need today to be any different?  You are one of the lucky ones!  You found someone who makes you feel important and loved and just because they may not care for the “Hallmarkness” of this day doesn’t mean that they love you any less.  I would give anything to stay home with a man whose heart I share watching tv and eating left overs.   The grass isn’t greener on the other side people…like the song says…it’s green where you water it.  Maybe you need some more H2O? 

Tonight I will be making Spaghetti and watching movies with Simba…he loves me and I am fortunate to have him in my life so I am good.  Yes I tease that all my friends and family should send me flowers and buy me Pandora, but in reality…I am good with pasta and my puppy!  

I hope today, wherever you are and whomever you are with that you are happy and are in love with life (and a partner is the icing on the pink and red frosted cake!)

Love

Nicole