2

The realities of a single woman adopting from Haiti

When I first started my journey to being a mom (through insemination) I knew it wouldn’t be easy.  Sunshine and rainbows would not be in my immediate future, but I knew without a doubt it would be worth it.  All the poking and prodding and monitoring of my cycle would be agonizing, but I was okay with all of it.  It was a means to an end.

In November of 2015 when I started the adoption process, I knew my journey was going to become much harder, even more invasive and much more expensive, but again I knew in my heart that it was what I needed to do.

The realities of this journey have surprised even me, me the girl who plans and reads and researches and re-plans and re-reads everything!

The costs – financially are exorbitant.  For the first year I literally was in the bank on a monthly (sometimes weekly!) basis moving money around and getting money orders to pay everyone under the sun.  My money – it’s running out.  Well in reality it has run out.  I am actually looking forward to re-mortgaging my house when it comes up so I can pay off the debt and have my nest egg (which is going towards paying the second half of my adoption costs) settled. The thing that kills me is that none of this money has gone towards my sweet little child who I don’t even know yet!

Every penny, paid to whomever, is worth it.

The costs – emotionally are exhausting.  I see people I have connected with in chat groups get their referrals, their Visas, their Exit letters and of course their homecomings and I am jealous.  Not like the boy I like, likes another girl jealous – but WHY NOT ME???!!! jealous and that is an envy that isn’t fair to anyone.

Every tear and sad face is worth it.

I don’t have a partner to share in my grief.  Most people who adopt have that special someone that they can lean on when the wait becomes to long.  They have someone to talk to who understands and most of all is REALLY REALLY interested in everything you are thinking and hoping for. My friends and family love me and they care and are excited for me, but they don’t have the same passion obviously as a spouse would have and sometimes I feel completely alone.

Every ounce of longing is worth it.

I don’t have a partner to share my fears with.  There is a Hurricane blowing in quickly and fiercely.  My child, the one I don’t know, is living there, as are hundreds of other children, with no parents to wrap them in their arms and keep them safe.  The sweet nannies and creche directors I know do everything they can, but nothing replaces a mother or fathers warm embrace. With every update on Hurricane Irma, my anxiety rises and my prayers become deeper and longer.  Other people are disappointed their Caribbean vacation spots will be destroyed – I am terrified, the child meant for me, will be harmed or that their biological family will be injured, it takes everything in me not to scream.

Every prayer and raised heartbeat is worth it.

Co-parenting will not be my reality.  I was with my friend and her husband this weekend – as I am most weekends, and their youngest was having trouble pooping.  She had been constipated for a couple of days and she was screaming and crying not wanting to poop.  What a simple concept for us adults.  You have to poop.  She was bribed, begged and pleaded with for over an hour and her parents were lucky – they had each other to tag out.  When one needed a break to get out of that small cottage bathroom, the other was there.  When my kid refuses to poop – and don’t they all at some point – it will be me.  My patience will be tested.  My frustration levels and anxiety will be pushed to the limits.  My kid will stomp on my buttons and I can’t push back. I am the adult.  The only adult.  I have no one to tag out with and that reality kicked me pretty hard this weekend as I looked down on that sad little face of a girl who wouldn’t poop.

I can handle this.  Not only can I handle this, I WILL handle this and while I know sometimes I will fail, sometimes I’ll barely pass, my child will NEVER doubt that they are loved.  They will always have a soft spot to fall and that is something we all need a little more of.

Love Nicole

 

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5

Seasons of wait

When I see friends whom I haven’t talked to in awhile, the standard first question is “how was your summer?”  I don’t have much to say other than – “alright”.  I went to the cottage, spent time with friends and family and waited.  Waited for reports to be finished and most recently (since the beginning of August) waited to be approved as ADOPT READY.  This has been another really long wait.  I know being a mom will require patience and understanding, but testing me through long wait periods of documents being signed and approved isn’t really helping me!

Once I am ADOPT READY, I can submit my dossier to my agency, have everything translated, give them a kidney and possibly a lung to cover the costs and THEN finally have my documents sent to HAITI.  Sadly, this is when the longest wait will be.  I will possibly wait a year or more to be matched with a child.  A year or more of my baby growing up in the Creche (Orphanage).  A year or more of possible Hurricanes destroying his/her land.  A year or more of them not knowing who their mother is.  Not knowing how needed and loved and wanted they are.

The wait is painful.  The only thing that makes is bearable is knowing that my child is there waiting for me too.  They need me to be patient.  They need me to relax and be calm and have my ducks in a line.  They need me to be healthy.  They need me to have my finances all in order.  They need me.  For them I will wait.  For them, and only them, I will take a breath today and accept that waiting is part of the process.  I will suffer through more seasons – fall, winter, spring and summer – with the faith that when everything is right and the stars have aligned – my turn will come.  I will get to be a mommy.  For now I will read the blogs, I will chime in on the numerous Facebook groups dedicated to adoption and I will wait.

Love

Nicole

8

My secret that I can’t hold in anymore

I am not fertile…supposedly.  I had an AMH test (blood test)completed a few months ago and sadly it didn’t go my way.  I am not surprised by this outcome.  For almost 15 years I have had a weird gut instinct that I would never have my own children – biological children that is.  I have watched friend after friend look at a man and wind up pregnant and while I have never actively tried to get pregnant with ex-boyfriends, we weren’t always careful.  I have also had 5 unsuccessful IUI’s, 2 of which were medicated with hormones that turned me into a raging crazy lady.

So ya there is that.

I don’t feel any ways about it.  I am numb towards it and in fact I haven’t even seen my fertility doctor since the phone call that confirmed my most horrible fears. I have cried tears, tears that seemed never ending.  Tears that were for me, for my family, for my dad – who regardless would never meet his grandchild.  I am sure there will be therapist visits in the near future, I am a total believer in therapy and I have an amazing therapist whom I trust and respect so in the new year, I will book in to see her.

An even stronger emotion though that I have been feeling is hope.  Hope for adoption.  I have always considered adoption to be this amazing selfless gift one gives to themselves, but I had no idea where to look.  I did what all millennials do – I googled it. I was steered to the Adoption Council of Ontario and on November 11th I attended and information night ($50) where I was told about Public, Private and International adoption.  There is just something that is guiding my heart towards international adoption – in Haiti – so I looked up Mission of Tears (myadoption.ca) and it seems that a single woman (over 35, which I turn in January) can adopt a child 6 months and older.  The thing that tears me apart is it takes 30-38 months for the whole process to complete and that is a long time to hold my child in my arms and feel their soft skin against mine.

I looked up an adoption practitioner in Ajax because I need to complete a home study and PRIDE classes before Haiti even is a possibility and thankfully he responded quickly and I will be meeting with him in January.  The PRIDE classes will be in early April and I am hoping to complete my home study by early summer.  I have a lot of questions, I am sure many of you do too, but that’s why I am meeting him in January.

I know this…I feel very strongly about this.  I refuse to look at what I cannot change and what will not be.  I have been through the gamete of emotions, but for this…this feels right.

Financially this will be hard.  I have just enough to get through it I hope, but I may look at some fundraising opportunities and of course may start asking for money for Christmas and birthdays to help cover these costs (the PRIDE class alone is $700.00!), but I need to do this.  I need to do this for me and for my Koko bean.

I will be updating this blog, but of course I need to ensure confidentiality until that little baby is mine so please don’t expect to much, but what I can share, I will.  I thank you all for sharing your journeys with me and supporting me in mine.

Love

Nicole

2

I won’t be “doing it all”

There are some things that are going to become increasingly difficult when I am a single mom.  Things that once I go back to work and have to balance my professional life with my personal one are going to have to change.

My whole life, the one chore I always hated, yet always had been responsible for was doing the grocery shopping.  I hate this chore – I hate trying to figure out if fruit and veggies are ripe.  I don’t like being disappointed when the item on sale is out of stock, or when the chicken breasts I wanted look pitiful.  There are so many things I don’t like about grocery shopping: when the cart stops working halfway through your shop, when parents bring their whole families and the kids are screaming or running around, when the stock boys have monopolized an aisle and you can’t get your cart around them and when the lineups are so long yet you see two check out girls gossiping and giggling at customer service.

After my dad passed I had to figure out the impossible – how to shop for just one person!  It’s a daunting task.  I enjoy shopping even less now.  Knowing half a loaf of bread will go to waste, yet buying it anyway cause peanut butter and honey sandwiches have become a source of comfort, is frustrating. 

The other day, as I was lying in bed petting Simba after his neutering surgery, I realized I was running out of groceries, at least groceries that weren’t stale, moldy or way past expiration.  I went upstairs and cleaned out the fridge.  I was left with condiments, milk, wet dog food and a cucumber.  I looked down at Simba and realized, I didn’t have to leave him to go fill up my fridge, I could order groceries and have them delivered!

Was I being lazy? Yes! Was I using my dog as an excuse to be lazy?  Yes! However, I had wanted to order from Grocerygateway.com for a long time, since before my dads passing.  So I went online and checked it out.

There is a $10 delivery fee, I debated the fee versus my time, gas and energy on doing it myself and realized it was 100% worth it for this week!

I filled out my virtual shopping cart and checked out with a delivery time for yesterday between 5:30-7:30 pm!  They deliver at night!!  This was getting better and better.

Last night when I came home from work, I anxiously was doubting myself.  Would the fruit be fresh?  Would I be waiting forever for this delivery? 

At 5:40 I got a phone call.  They were five minutes away!!  He brought in my groceries, I signed and he left.  My raspberries were sweet and delicious, the grapes green and fresh.  My bread had a 6 day expiry which is okay with me!  Overall, I am extremely satisfied!

Will I continue to have my groceries delivered?  No, not every week, they don’t deliver my brand of dog food, so I have to go to Metro for some things, but when I am pregnant, or carrying around an infant, or sick or tired or busy being an amazing mom to an amazing kid you’re damned right I will use them again! 

Why do I need to feel like because I am “choosing” to be a single mom, I need to do it all and be great at it all??  I don’t.  Not any more.  I am becoming realistic.  Being a single mom will be the best and hardest thing I have ever done and I am going to start demanding less from myself and more from others.  I like this idea.  I have been way to hard on myself lately.  My little Koko bean deserves a happy, healthy mom and that’s what I am going to give them!

Love

Nicole