I’ve made a difficult, heartbreaking decision

I was really hoping that I would be able to do another cycle of IUI this month – get myself back on the baby making train that wasn’t for 2014.  However, I got my period the day before I left for Black Friday shopping meaning my day 3 ultrasound would have been on Friday when I wasn’t in the country.  Even if they allowed me to do the day 2 or 4 instead, I would still have been in Grove City P.A so I was screwed.  It’s almost like it was God telling me this month was not to be.  Of the 30 days in November, Wednesday was the ONE day that under no circumstances could I get it because my mandatory ultrasound wouldn’t have been possible and of course Wednesday I woke up to Mother Nature screaming at me.

Disappointed isn’t even the right word – especially since my period was 10 days late.

So I started thinking…how long do I want to go through this?  How long can I put my body physically and emotionally through this – let alone the bank account?!!?

My heart and my head immediately came up with the same date.  December 31st, 2015.  If by that date I am not pregnant I will no longer try.  I will give up this dream.  I will let it go.  It may kill me, it may cause some extremely rough days and nights, but as an (SMC) I can only do so much.  I am going to do everything in my power to get pregnant next year and if it is meant to be than I will have a little boy or a little girl either with me celebrating Christmas, or growing in my belly, giving me the perfect excuse to have a second helping of Turkey on Christmas Day!

This decision has not been easy, nor will the other million decisions I need to make in my life, but at least it is my decision and my decision alone.  It doesn’t hurt or help anyone.  A lot can change between now and then too.  Maybe I finally meet Mr. Right instead of the many Mr. Wrongs of 2014, but that I have no control of either.  So I can control this decision, this one choice is mine to make and I have made it.  This blog may change in content since I refuse to stress over the inevitable, and I want to actually enjoy next year – because let’s face it, I have not truly enjoyed very much this year, but I hope you all stick around for the next 13 months to see what it brings – the good, the great and even the possible bad.

Thank you all for you support thus far

Love

Nicole

Dreams

I have now had a fourth friend tell me that they have dreamed I was having a baby.  Sometimes it’s a girl, sometimes a boy – and twice TWICE it was twins! 

Yes I have had my third insemination, but I am waiting till Monday the 23^rd for the results so I don’t know if I am.  I don’t feel pregnant.  I feel paranoid – as per usual.  Every time I move a weird way or breath heavy or lean my stomach against my counter to brush my teeth or put on makeup I jump back realizing I could be squishing Koko if he/she is in there. Plus I feel like a butter knife is ripping apart my ovaries which I’m pretty sure means I am NOT pregnant. 

But am I pregnant?  I don’t know, and I won’t know for a week.  I want to be – obviously, so badly.  But I refuse to be upset if I’m not.  I can’t control my body; it’s in God’s hands now.  I am becoming more patient the longer this takes. 

If I’m not pregnant, I found out last week I need to have surgery again.  I have had three surgeries to remove a pilonidal cyst and my dermatologist confirmed its back.  If I’m not pregnant I must have it removed.  I will not however have the work done at Scarborough General Hospital again, not that they aren’t great, they are, but my anxiety surrounding the  hospital since my dad passed hasn’t dissipated so I will have the surgery done at Toronto East, which I hear is also a great hospital. 

If I am pregnant, I will need to do the surgery sometime after the baby is born, which is ridiculous because I can’t take care of a newborn, a dog all while lying on my side, taking pain meds (which I would have to wait till after I am done breastfeeding because T3’s aren’t to be taken while nursing).  All as a single mother.  

I do not regret my decision to become an SMC (single mom by choice) at all, I have thought it out, the pros and cons and I still believe in my choice.  I know I can do this.  This surgery (or possible surgery) may just be a setback, that’s all.  I will somehow take care of Koko and Simba and myself and we’ll get through it together.  

P.S. I hate the needle they give you to knock you out for surgery, it burns my wrist for three seconds and for three seconds I feel like Bella in Twilight where I’ve been bitten by a vampire and I’m making the “change” but I wake up, still me, still human, with no Edward…boooo

 

Love

Nicole

I’m positive it was a negative

This whole month I have been sick and stressed with work and I was pretty sure when I was inseminated a couple of weeks ago that my body would be rejecting anything else foreign that tried to enter my body.  But I figured since I was ovulating I might as well try!

Well on Wednesday I got the news…I am not pregnant. 

I’ll that soak in…I AM NOT PREGNANT

I’m okay with it.  Truly I am.  I didn’t have preconceived notions that I was or that it would take the first try…in fact I am pretty sure some of my friends and some of my family are more disappointed than I am.  They were worried about me, which is so sweet, but really, surprisingly, I’m not upset or even that disappointed.  I never for one moment thought “hey I could be pregnant this month”  I was too sick.  I felt awful the entire week of my insemination.

  I think I am going to do this month completely confidentially.  That way there will be no disappointment – only pure happiness on my part and then on everyone’s part if I get to say to the world

I’M PREGNANT!

However for now, I am not – and I am going to drink wine.  I am going to relax and enjoy my life the way it is because once pregnant I get to learn how to enjoy a whole new life but it will never be the way it is now – just me and Simba – so I am not going to cry about this, I am not going to stress or wish it was different.  That doesn’t change reality – my reality is tough, ever-changing and sometimes amazing, and it’s mine. 

Love

Nicole