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ten minutes

Cottage living, nothing beats it.  Every summer with Kim and her family, the sites, the sounds and smells are so familiar to me now I can’t imagine a life without them.

On Saturday’s boat ride, coming back from Jeff’s friends cottage where Kim, Meaghan and I had no luck at fishing, Mya, (Kims daughter) sat in my lap for about ten minutes (which never happens – she is a mama’s girl at heart).

Her blond curls were tickling my nose from the cold wind and she was wrapped up tight in a towel around her puffy blue life jacket.  Her head was resting against my chest and I was wondering if she would fall asleep again as she always falls asleep on boat rides! She was telling me stories and pointing at all of the Canadian flags as we sped by.  I gently pressed my lips against her head and closed my eyes for just a moment and imagined when my own sweet boy or girl would be placed in my lap enjoying their new life in Canada at the cottage.  It will be then that the sites and sounds and smells will change – everything will be seen through new eyes – through the eyes of my child.

Mya is around the age my own child will be so having her be so willing to spend her time with me just makes me feel like a kid in a candy store!  I smile a bit brighter and the sadness and aching of not having my own child eases a little, knowing I will have a future as a mother and am right now getting to build my relationships with my extended family and their children.

For the rest of this week, I will hold tightly to the memory of those sweet curls blowing across my face and the warmth her tiny little soul provided me – even if it was only for ten minutes.

Love

Nicole

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5

Seasons of wait

When I see friends whom I haven’t talked to in awhile, the standard first question is “how was your summer?”  I don’t have much to say other than – “alright”.  I went to the cottage, spent time with friends and family and waited.  Waited for reports to be finished and most recently (since the beginning of August) waited to be approved as ADOPT READY.  This has been another really long wait.  I know being a mom will require patience and understanding, but testing me through long wait periods of documents being signed and approved isn’t really helping me!

Once I am ADOPT READY, I can submit my dossier to my agency, have everything translated, give them a kidney and possibly a lung to cover the costs and THEN finally have my documents sent to HAITI.  Sadly, this is when the longest wait will be.  I will possibly wait a year or more to be matched with a child.  A year or more of my baby growing up in the Creche (Orphanage).  A year or more of possible Hurricanes destroying his/her land.  A year or more of them not knowing who their mother is.  Not knowing how needed and loved and wanted they are.

The wait is painful.  The only thing that makes is bearable is knowing that my child is there waiting for me too.  They need me to be patient.  They need me to relax and be calm and have my ducks in a line.  They need me to be healthy.  They need me to have my finances all in order.  They need me.  For them I will wait.  For them, and only them, I will take a breath today and accept that waiting is part of the process.  I will suffer through more seasons – fall, winter, spring and summer – with the faith that when everything is right and the stars have aligned – my turn will come.  I will get to be a mommy.  For now I will read the blogs, I will chime in on the numerous Facebook groups dedicated to adoption and I will wait.

Love

Nicole

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ciao 2015

Instead of being all young sad and blue that my 2015 wasn’t really MY year of greatness (it was kinda shitty for the most part – especially the end), I decided to look at some awesome things instead.

1. What did you do this year that you’re proud of?

I applied for the Supervisor role at my work.  Even though I eventually was unsuccessful, I tried.  I put my best foot forward and I helped my two friends who I adore (and who were successful) and I did it all with a smile on my face and true, genuine happiness in my heart.

2.What were some times that you laughed so hard you could barely breathe?

My summer at the cottage with Kim and her family.  Our evenings by the campfire were some of the most fun times I have had – and most nights ended with me bawling from laughing so hard! “Eddie threw bugs on us”!!!

3. What were quotes that you loved this year?

From Tina Fey – I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home.  I didn’t used to have to do that.  But now I do.

4. What is your favorite photo from this year?

This photo was taken before I left on my Dominican trip with my family – Simba always is my favorite – he’s so sweet!

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5. Who are people that you believe are bringing out the best in you?

I have an amazing group of girlfriends that make me – me! To name a few, Kim, Nancy B, Erin, Agnes, Sarah, Alex, Dawn, Tammy, Rochelle, Kristi, Nancy W and so many more.  I love you all

And finally…

6. What are some things you’d like to focus and work on in the next year?

Obviously the adoption will be my ONLY priority, but at the same time I also need to work on my, my health both physically and mentally, to prepare myself for being a mother.  This is my focus.

Love Nicole