Almost 6 months since I have shared my life with all you faithful readers :O WOW! Sorry about that. There hasn’t been much to update to be honest. But I will tell you whats happened and what I know (which is next to nothing)
On April 20th I silently celebrated my one year anniversary of being accepted into IBESR (Haitian Social Services). I did this quietly by myself and really it was just me taking a few moments of quiet to say a little prayer to my sweet little one who has no idea I exist! They say the first year is the hardest because you know a referral will not come in those 12 months (possibly not even in that second year) and honestly it wasn’t hard. It was long, it was emotional and it was frustrating knowing there are so many sweet, sweet babies who need a mother in their life and I stood no chance of being matched in those 365 days. But that day came and went like every other day – with no exciting news, no change. And for every day that comes until I am matched, I will walk with my head held high and a smile on my face because I must keep living and celebrating life as it is.
Mothers Day also came and went. I was at the cottage – because THANK GOD it’s finally Spring! I thought to myself that maybe (just maybe) this would be my last mothers day where I am only celebrated for being a mama to my dog. Even if I get a referral for a child, they won’t be home with me by next Mother’s Day but maybe I will know who they are…maybe I will be able to look at their pictures and feel that love????!!!!
I called my agency the other day for an update on my case. The bad news was of course there was no update on my file specifically – however the good news was that they have seen a lot of movement in the last 6 months for people with referrals. They are moving faster (like a snails pace could possibly be faster) through the adoption process supposedly – which is great, but that doesn’t mean much for me. It means I am still waiting. My patience is high – friends and family are not so patient – and I am thrilled knowing everyday I move closer to being connected to my child. I still feel just as strongly today as I did when I started this, that my child lives in Haiti and that they are waiting for me to be there mama!
There was a hard, dirt path from the Creche to the little building I was staying in. As I walked towards the door I could feel the heat on my face, see the sun and knew that I would be sweating through my shirt by mid day. I didn’t care though because a smiley faced toddler was running up the path screaming manman (mother in Creole) dressed in a beige t-shirt and crocs on her tiny feet.
She wrapped her arms around me and I could smell baby powder and sweat. I was on my knees, tears springing to my eyes – this was my daughter.
My alarm went off and I woke up in my queen sized bed, light streaming through my window, Simba snuggled in my knee nook snoring softly.
It’s not a bad way to wake up-but that dream was so real I couldn’t help but cry wanting those chubby little arms to still be around my neck.
I am a short way in to a long waiting game for a referral, knowing that this will not be the first of many dreams to follow. Will I have a daughter or a son? I don’t know and I don’t care.
Thank God for dreams
When I see friends whom I haven’t talked to in awhile, the standard first question is “how was your summer?” I don’t have much to say other than – “alright”. I went to the cottage, spent time with friends and family and waited. Waited for reports to be finished and most recently (since the beginning of August) waited to be approved as ADOPT READY. This has been another really long wait. I know being a mom will require patience and understanding, but testing me through long wait periods of documents being signed and approved isn’t really helping me!
Once I am ADOPT READY, I can submit my dossier to my agency, have everything translated, give them a kidney and possibly a lung to cover the costs and THEN finally have my documents sent to HAITI. Sadly, this is when the longest wait will be. I will possibly wait a year or more to be matched with a child. A year or more of my baby growing up in the Creche (Orphanage). A year or more of possible Hurricanes destroying his/her land. A year or more of them not knowing who their mother is. Not knowing how needed and loved and wanted they are.
The wait is painful. The only thing that makes is bearable is knowing that my child is there waiting for me too. They need me to be patient. They need me to relax and be calm and have my ducks in a line. They need me to be healthy. They need me to have my finances all in order. They need me. For them I will wait. For them, and only them, I will take a breath today and accept that waiting is part of the process. I will suffer through more seasons – fall, winter, spring and summer – with the faith that when everything is right and the stars have aligned – my turn will come. I will get to be a mommy. For now I will read the blogs, I will chime in on the numerous Facebook groups dedicated to adoption and I will wait.