When the road seems long

When colleagues or friends tell you they are pregnant and nine months later deliver beautiful little babies, you are happy for them, you cheer for them, you jump for joy and look forward to the pitter patter of little feet with them. But then that baby comes and an ache in your heart, so deep, suddenly makes you feel guilty.  You are *gasp!* jealous!  Afterall, they got the one thing you wanted…a healthy little baby to call their own.

After the disastrous online dating instances this summer, I have decided once this stupid, god-awful, pain in the YOU KNOW WHAT wound has healed, I am going to attempt my fifth insemination.  I have spoken with my doctor and we are going to be more aggressive.  I am going to give myself the fertility injections through the needle to the stomach (I know I am so medically up to date with the names of treatments!).  This increases my chance of twins, but since the clomid did absolutely nothing but give me the same ONE egg that being on no clomid gave me, I want to try something else.  This is expensive and emotional and I don’t want to be writing blogs about my attempts anymore.  I am hoping that with one or two (max) rounds of being aggressive, I will be lucky like so many of my friends and colleagues before me.

Some women are lucky, they meet a man (or woman), get married, buy a house, get pregnant, have a family and live happily ever after.  I wasn’t fortunate that way, I have yet to meet someone who is my forever.  I’ve bought a house and if I can pregnant in the untraditional sense – I will be so happy I will probably cry happy tears every single day.

This is 2014, women can and should be able to do it all, but it’s also okay to mourn for what you don’t have.  I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully to go back online, put myself back out there, be vulnerable…but maybe the kind of guy I’m looking for doesn’t exist, or at least not online.  Is it okay to want a little friendship mixed with a little romance?  For a guy to send you flowers, or text you just to say good morning?  I’m kinda over it for now…though good guys may still apply even though my semi-tight deadline has passed.  Sometimes it’s just really hard to let go of your independence and move forward…to trust, to leap and to hope.

For now, my friends and colleagues, whom have all had amazing beautiful babies in 2014:

congratulations, you’re a mamma!