It takes a village

As you all know, I am currently in the process of adopting a toddler internationally.  A decision I didn’t make lightly, but one that I know in my heart and in my soul is the right decision for me.  I have never thought – not once – maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I should wait another couple of years, maybe, maybe, maybe…I just know.  I know like I need to breathe air and eat food and drink water – I know.  I know where my baby is.

***now as a side note, I have been informed that I am unable to talk on any social media forums (inc. blogs)  about the specifics of the adoption at this point from my agency and I understand that.  The child’s protection, the orphanages confidentiality and the details I am paying a great deal to learn from my agency is not for the eyes and ears of the world so I will not go into any details about particulars.

This choice, it didn’t come easy.  I had to accept that I may never have a biological child to start processing this choice.  I had to argue for my rights with a doctor to get forms signed and completed.  I had to defend my choice against critics of single motherhood (aren’t we in 2016 where women can do whatever the hell they want?).  I had to accept that the inheritance that my father left me would be gone, depleted  and pray that he would be okay with how I have chosen to spend this portion of it. I have binders of information to read through, sign and date.  I have essays to write, photo’s to take, reference letters to gather all while giving up any source of privacy because our Ontario government and the government of Haiti, need to know that I can, and desire to, and have the means to, adopt a child and raise them in a healthy, safe environment.

I am overwhelmed often.  I am tired often.  I want to scream and cry often.

But it is always worth it.  Every second spent, every line of defense I need to spew, every dollar I give is worth it.

This child is already loved – yet they might not even be born.  This child already has an aunt and an uncle and a grandmother eagerly awaiting them to arrive.  This child has surrogate aunts and uncles in my friends who have offered to help in anyway they can.  Some have offered clothing, furniture and toys, while others just can’t wait to take this amazing child to the park, or downtown exploring Toronto.  This child was born blessed as all babies are – and they are going to make me blessed in the process.

It takes a village to raise a child.  No one does it on their own.  We all rely on someone at some point for assistance and I am grateful for the chance to bring my little boy or girl home in the future and raise them among my amazing village.

Love

Nicole

 

**raising hand and apologizing profusely

Ya, it’s been weeks (shut up fine it’s been a LOT of weeks) and I am finally writing, blogging, catching you all up on what’s been going down since my last entry.

To be honest I haven’t written because nothing has been going on.  Life as I know (as I am doing it) has become stagnant, boring, predictable.

The cottage was open, I spent the May long weekend there with Kim and her family, which as always, was amazing.  I had a great time.

The guys have come back and have started working on finishing my back yard. I can’t wait until it’s all DONE

My nephew – 18 – has a girlfriend…I know, holy crap!  She is super cute and they are cute together in their little 18-year-old bubble.  My nephew, while needing a swift kick in the ass to get him motivated, at the end of the day, is a great kid and I am glad he has met someone who is fun and quirky that he can enjoy life with.

Work is work.  Enough said.

My mom moved in – oh wait what?!  Ya, circumstances happened that my mom had to vacate my aunt’s place temporarily so of course I took her in.  I didn’t even hesitate – she is my mother, regardless of our past.  I judge people on their present actions and for the past two years she has been supportive, encouraging, loving, giving and very present in my life.  Simba loves her to pieces, and it’s nice to have the company.  It is temporary – for how long we don’t know, but until that date, I am happy to have her.

My “wound” of course is a mess and causing so much emotional strife I can’t even deal with it on here, so just know…surgery may be required AGAIN and no I am not okay.

Simba is great – of course he is…he’s a little muffin who makes me giggle and smile and pull my hair out all within a single day.

Baby…there is no baby.  Not yet.  My period has been all over the place so I haven’t even attempted it.  I have had to seriously consider that it may not work out for me.  That I may need a surrogate, I may need to adopt – and how do I feel about that.  That is meant for another blog when I can get through it level-headed – because right now, me not being able to get pregnant is not something I can fathom.

Dad, the two-year anniversary of his passing is coming up next month and that floors me!  How is it possible I have been without his love and protection for TWO YEARS??  I have survived, of course I have, he raised me to survive turmoil and sadness and to come out on top, but so far, I am not on top…I am tip toeing the middle line, not sure if I am sinking or swimming half the time – just knowing I am still alive and still trying to thrive.

A quick update, a brief “hey bloggy friends I have not forgotten you”.  I will blog more soon, I promise

Love

Nicole