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Patience – declutter

Anyone waiting for a child, anyone going through this whole adoption process (which is long and seems never-ending) probably had a rough holiday.  There was no pitter patter of little feet as my young child squealed with delight to see what Santa left them.  There was no baking of cookies, no Christmas pj’s and no snuggling under blankets while we watched Rudolph or Frosty.

My patience level is pretty strong. I have come to accept that the holidays will be hard.  That I can’t celebrate the way I want to – the way my heart desires to.

So instead of focusing on the negative (kinda), I have been busy decluttering.  Remember that list???  I kept parts of it going.

Over the holidays (where I worked everyday except the mandatory days off) I took care of the following:

  • those stupid buttons that have been in random zip-lock bags all over my house – gone!
  • All the clothes that I haven’t worn in one year – sold some to my mom and will keep the rest to sell in a future garage sale
  • All my Twilight magazines from when I was OBSESSED with Edward and Bella – recycled!
  • Old bedding…garbage
  • all wrapping paper scraps and old bows and ribbon – recycled or garbage!
  • Sports bras – they were already trashed…seriously I hate those things
  • CD’s.  I had a whole box of CD’s that I don’t know why I even had in the first place?!  TRASH
  • Nail polish.  I had 34 bottles, I know have 7.  I threw out old, ugly and messy bottles!!
  • People…sorry, but I deleted 13 people off my Facebook – I un-friended people I am not actually friends with or whose life I don’t really care about…
  • Scarves and mitts and hats – donated to the local women’s shelter!
  • Digital photos on phone…I went through all of my photo’s and deleted a ton of photo’s.  Probably like 100!

It felt good.  It felt like I was doing something, anything to get past the bad feelings and sadness that only the holiday’s can bring.  Keep busy…this is what I have learned to pass the days…

Love

Nicole

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5

Seasons of wait

When I see friends whom I haven’t talked to in awhile, the standard first question is “how was your summer?”  I don’t have much to say other than – “alright”.  I went to the cottage, spent time with friends and family and waited.  Waited for reports to be finished and most recently (since the beginning of August) waited to be approved as ADOPT READY.  This has been another really long wait.  I know being a mom will require patience and understanding, but testing me through long wait periods of documents being signed and approved isn’t really helping me!

Once I am ADOPT READY, I can submit my dossier to my agency, have everything translated, give them a kidney and possibly a lung to cover the costs and THEN finally have my documents sent to HAITI.  Sadly, this is when the longest wait will be.  I will possibly wait a year or more to be matched with a child.  A year or more of my baby growing up in the Creche (Orphanage).  A year or more of possible Hurricanes destroying his/her land.  A year or more of them not knowing who their mother is.  Not knowing how needed and loved and wanted they are.

The wait is painful.  The only thing that makes is bearable is knowing that my child is there waiting for me too.  They need me to be patient.  They need me to relax and be calm and have my ducks in a line.  They need me to be healthy.  They need me to have my finances all in order.  They need me.  For them I will wait.  For them, and only them, I will take a breath today and accept that waiting is part of the process.  I will suffer through more seasons – fall, winter, spring and summer – with the faith that when everything is right and the stars have aligned – my turn will come.  I will get to be a mommy.  For now I will read the blogs, I will chime in on the numerous Facebook groups dedicated to adoption and I will wait.

Love

Nicole

1

725

725 days ago

everything stopped – it was like I was an actress in the most dramatic movie ever seen

I wasn’t acting

I walked into Scarborough General hospital, concerned, but confidant that HE would be fine. I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy and dozens of other hospital shows and people survived a Code Blue all the time…didn’t they?  It’s amazing what you remember 725 days ago, when I couldn’t tell you what I had for lunch yesterday.

I had just opened the hospital doors when my phone rang – it was in my newest purse, Michael Kors.  My mom had bought it for me in Vegas the April that had just passed.  The bag was large and the phone had been thrown in the bottom with my keys. I grasped it and saw my sister-in-laws number.  I knew before answering…it was over, HE was gone. As she spoke the words, my purse dropping and spraying items all over the spick and span hospital floor, I fell and screamed a sickening sound. My heart felt like it was going to stop beating, I thought I would be the one having the heart attack.  No one should ever feel that much pain and yet here I was on July 21st, 2013 at 5:30 am in an empty hallway of a Hospital wishing for death to take me because I could not, WOULD NOT live without HIM.  I don’t know how long I stayed on that floor, crumpled into the fetus position crying.  Somehow I made myself walk to the elevator because I knew more than anything I needed to be in HIS presence.  I got to HIS floor, where I had left HIM not even 24 hours ago with the promise of bringing HIM home that day and an orderly (or maybe a male nurse) caught me as I came crashing out of the steel elevator and quickly put me into a chair with a high back and rubbed my shoulders as I sobbed.  No one else was there, my brother and sister-in-law took another 20 minutes and my best friend who I had called wasn’t there for another 10. A nurse finally let me in, and that was it – with my own eyes, my father was gone.

That was 725 days ago.  It seems a lifetime ago, yet at the same time yesterday.  Everything that has happened since that day and everything that continues to happen regardless of my feelings or thoughts is sometimes astounding.  Life just keeps keeping on.  There is no stopping it.  He isn’t coming back.  My grandmother who passed away 2 years prior to this isn’t coming back.

Loss.  It doesn’t heal.  Not one day out of the 725 have I NOT thought about my dad.  Even if it’s just a brief moment or sometimes a full few hours he is there…always.  I haven’t shed as many tears this year as I did last year.  I haven’t had as many anxiety attacks as I did last year.  Maybe next year it will be even less.  But he will always be in my mind.  When I am sleeping, when I am driving, when I am making a hard decision, when I am planning a fun activity…he’s here, but not.  I want him HERE.

Some of my family will be gathering at the cemetery on the 21st and then concluding with a dinner to memorialize the occasion – just like we did last year, another year where he isn’t joining us.

damn

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**raising hand and apologizing profusely

Ya, it’s been weeks (shut up fine it’s been a LOT of weeks) and I am finally writing, blogging, catching you all up on what’s been going down since my last entry.

To be honest I haven’t written because nothing has been going on.  Life as I know (as I am doing it) has become stagnant, boring, predictable.

The cottage was open, I spent the May long weekend there with Kim and her family, which as always, was amazing.  I had a great time.

The guys have come back and have started working on finishing my back yard. I can’t wait until it’s all DONE

My nephew – 18 – has a girlfriend…I know, holy crap!  She is super cute and they are cute together in their little 18-year-old bubble.  My nephew, while needing a swift kick in the ass to get him motivated, at the end of the day, is a great kid and I am glad he has met someone who is fun and quirky that he can enjoy life with.

Work is work.  Enough said.

My mom moved in – oh wait what?!  Ya, circumstances happened that my mom had to vacate my aunt’s place temporarily so of course I took her in.  I didn’t even hesitate – she is my mother, regardless of our past.  I judge people on their present actions and for the past two years she has been supportive, encouraging, loving, giving and very present in my life.  Simba loves her to pieces, and it’s nice to have the company.  It is temporary – for how long we don’t know, but until that date, I am happy to have her.

My “wound” of course is a mess and causing so much emotional strife I can’t even deal with it on here, so just know…surgery may be required AGAIN and no I am not okay.

Simba is great – of course he is…he’s a little muffin who makes me giggle and smile and pull my hair out all within a single day.

Baby…there is no baby.  Not yet.  My period has been all over the place so I haven’t even attempted it.  I have had to seriously consider that it may not work out for me.  That I may need a surrogate, I may need to adopt – and how do I feel about that.  That is meant for another blog when I can get through it level-headed – because right now, me not being able to get pregnant is not something I can fathom.

Dad, the two-year anniversary of his passing is coming up next month and that floors me!  How is it possible I have been without his love and protection for TWO YEARS??  I have survived, of course I have, he raised me to survive turmoil and sadness and to come out on top, but so far, I am not on top…I am tip toeing the middle line, not sure if I am sinking or swimming half the time – just knowing I am still alive and still trying to thrive.

A quick update, a brief “hey bloggy friends I have not forgotten you”.  I will blog more soon, I promise

Love

Nicole

2

Ok Cupid, lets see what you’ve got

Okay Cupid, Lavalife, Plenty of Fish and even the paid sites like Match and Eharmony are all the exact same.  They are dating sites where a few good, honest people hoping to throw out their love net and make a good catch, but it’s the same place where a LOT of really cruel, damned people go to throw out their net of evil, burning and scarring everything it touches.

I have been burned a few times, both emotionally and mentally on these sites, but something happened a week or so ago that has made me wonder…have I maybe, just maybe got lucky?? A nice, good-looking, employed, funny guy started talking to me.  His name is J and he seems cool.  He sweet talks me all the time, texts and calls when he says he will and always messages me to say good morning and good night.  He makes me laugh and he makes me blush and I like him.  I am meeting him on Monday and if he turns out to be everything he says he is, I could possibly be falling for someone.

It has been since 2012 that I have been super attracted to a man and since 2010 that I have been in a long-term relationship – those are a lot of years to not feel anything romantic.  I know I have been honest with him, who I am , what I look like, that I am in a book club and I scrapbook and he likes that I have so many interests, but also that I am not a party girl, that I don’t really drink (he doesn’t either) or club.  He has seen multiple pictures of me (selfies and full body shots) so he knows what I look like – that I am no model, not even close, – that I am a larger woman who clearly enjoys a good meal and hasn’t seen the inside of a gym lately.  He likes me.  He is attracted to ME!  Most men aren’t.  I am okay with that – men (and women) are allowed to feel attracted to whom they are and my body type isn’t usually the preferred one for either genders so I have accepted it.  But J, he is.  At least from what he says to me.  So maybe?

It’s so sad to me that at 34 years of age I am questioning my own beauty, my own attractiveness – especially since this is the most confidant I have ever been, but I think that’s internal confidence that exudes out.  I am doubting J’s genuineness because of what I look like.  I am hoping he makes me see what he sees, I am hoping this all turns out amazing and a few months down the road I am blogging all over the place about him and how awesome this turned out to be – but I am so cautious.  Time will tell.  Am I worthy?  Yes, yes I am worthy – but will it happen?  That I don’t know.

Love

Nicole

7

40 Pounds

Since I am being slaughtered having surgery for cyst removal again next month, I needed a check up from my family doctor – ya the same woman who refused to sign my referral to the fertility clinic over a year ago – so I headed over with all my pre-op forms and waited somewhat impatiently for her to see me.

The first thing she wanted was my height/weight. Now listen, I am not a stupid woman, all my “thinner” clothes I bought when I was on weight watchers in 2011 don’t even come close to fitting me anymore and the “normal” clothes I’ve worn for a few years before and after the 2011, 25 pd weight loss, barely fit and most days I’m lucky if I can squeeze into the 18’s that have been antagonizing me, taunting me from the closet. I knew I had gained 20 pds back after my initial 25 pd weight loss, what I was not expecting was for Dr. B to tell me I had gained an additional 20 pds so I am 40 pds up from my 25 pds weight loss! WTF! I am disgusted…I look at my body from a distance, rarely naked, hoping magically I’ll wake up and this will have been a nightmare. I pray that I don’t need to be at weight watchers anymore, but now I know I do. Weight Watchers has been the only thing for me that helps me stay on track. It’s a slow, but maintained weight loss solution that I need to dedicate myself to again and as much as that completely sucks, it’s my fault. There is no one else to blame. My father died and I just didn’t care anymore about what I was eating, when I was eating or why I was eating.  I hopped off the scale quickly and everything else she needed from me faded into the background, like white noise.  All I could see was the number on the scale – a number I had never seen before.  I was at my absolute heaviest ever.

I have surgery in two weeks so starting WW now would be foolish. I will begin the last week of September and work on getting this hunk of fat off my body. I will try not to complain. I will try not to wine and feel sorry for myself, but of course I will. I will forgive myself on those days though because I am not perfect and this will not be an easy or fun journey and its one I take alone.

What bothers me now is what do I do about my fertility treatments? Do I continue with IUI knowing I am not at a weight that ideally supports this? It will take months for me to lose the weight I need to (45-50 pds) – and even longer for me to lose the weight I want (about 75-80 pds). I can’t even fathom the idea of not trying to have little Koko once I’m healed from the surgery, but am I throwing away money and time to try to get pregnant as an overweight woman? I just don’t know. Maybe I should book a consult with my fertility doctor – I mean she would tell me wouldn’t she?? I just wish things were easier – but what’s the point of wishing…I need to make these dreams come true…I want to hold Koko in my arms and tell him or her how much they were wanted by their mommy. For now, I wait.

This next journey is surgery and seeing how (if) my body heals from it.

Love

Nicole

1

LAUGHTER TRULY IS THE BEST MEDICINE

This weekend my long-awaited girls trip finally came! Blue Mountain was the destination and I was super excited because I have never been but so many colleagues and friends have been there and I have made it my mission to get to the mountains!. Thanks to Kim, Erin and Nancy that mission was completed!

Kim and I drove up together Friday in the early afternoon and we made amazing time – except that about 20 minutes away my GPS lost a signal and we had to find our own way there. Thankfully there is the MOUNTAINS to follow so we did. Blue Mountain had to be somewhere close to the actual mountain no? YES! YAY!

We walked around waiting for Nancy and Erin to arrive (who also lost GPS signal but they didn’t clue in quite as quickly to the follow the mountains) and figuring out where things were.

As we were walking we decided to ride their version of a roller coaster. It was crazy fun and when the other girls finally arrived we all rode the coaster again! I am not going to do a play by-play of everything we did because there was so much:

we ate (well Kim didn’t – for some reason all of her food was undercooked, overcooked or gross) but the rest of us ate well and drank well and we had a blast.

I have needed this break with these ladies for a long time now. They are three of my absolute closest friends and the ones who make the most time to hang out with me even though they have families, partners, kids and friends of their own and they always keep me smiling. This weekend was NO different.

We all laughed so much my stomach was cramping and my cheeks were aching. Even during our “couples” spa package Kim had me in tears, ruining my clay mask – but those lights really did look like dog dishes!!!

Kim, Nancy and I went zip lining and I was pretty sure it would be the walk up to the zips that would kill me not the actual zip lining! I mean seriously, can’t they have an escalator? I couldn’t breathe by the time we got to the top and they guy was explaining what would happen…I just let him strap me and let me go. IT WAS FANTASTIC! Another item scratched off my bucket list! YES!

We also had a lot of Sex on the Beach drinks. When I say a lot, I mean for four girls who never drink. We each had like 4 or 5 but we were all feeling good and enjoying every minute away giggling and gossiping!

On the Saturday we were sitting under a gazebo around 10:30 at night and we looked over and there were approximately 20 young boys (about ages10-14 I’m guessing) who had streaked down to their underwear and ran through the village with no shoes on! At first we couldn’t believe it and then we just kept giggling the whole time – completely inappropriate – but so hilarious!

On Sunday when it was finally time to leave, I was sad. I knew I’d have to come home and deal with this dreaded week leading up to father’s day alone, but I was also happy to come home to Simba. Nothing beats a girl’s weekend with friends, except coming home to puppy dog kisses!

This is going to have to be an annual thing because these girls are my life and this weekend proved how amazing time away from everything truly is!

Until next year…

Love Nicole