Three years of not celebrating

This Sunday will be my third year of not celebrating Fathers Day.  There will be no McDonald’s breakfast that puts a smile on his face from ear to ear with an excited “oh goodie”.  There will be no opening of cards with heart felt sentiments (though I still have the card I bought him for Fathers Day 2014 early, because I loved the verse inside and never in a million years assumed he wouldn’t open it).  There will be no eye rolling on my behalf as he acts disappointed that there is no money inside even though he knows if I had money at the time I would have spent it on shoes or Makimono.  There will be no Keg dinner, telling us the Prime Rib tastes better because he didn’t pay for it.

None of this has happened for the past two years and it won’t happen this year either.  He passed away.  He left this earth – an angel – no longer in pain.  The pain is now ours.  His family who loved him.  His granddaughters who suffer with his loss and shed a tear when they remember how much they miss him; his ex-wife who has stepped up in a big way to take care of their only daughter and be everything to her that he was.  And me.  I still feel like an island, on my own most of the time to try and figure out this world without you – at the same time so angry that I have to.

At work we have a raffle for a car wash kit for father’s day.  I have been asked to buy a ticket and seen the look in my colleagues eyes when they realize I won’t be giving a gift for father’s day this year – or any year – but what they don’t realize is my father didn’t drive the last two years of his life anyway because Diabetes took his sight.  However, I do have a car and it’s filthy!  I would totally love a car wash kit and I will give myself the opportunity to win this prize because that’s an awesome prize!!!

It makes me sad to think that my child won’t have a father  –  at least not right away.  It makes me sadder though to know my child won’t have him as a grandfather!  He would have loved my child, biological or not, to the very depth of his core!  I can’t wait to tell my child stories and show them pictures, keep his memory alive for generations to come!

Love

Nicole

Its been a journey…it isn’t over

I have wanted to be a mother since I knew what being a mother was.  I parented my dolls and stuffed animals when I was a small child, I started babysitting at age 12 when my neighbor trusted ME with her 2 month old son (who I took care of like he was my very own). I have surrounded myself with children and women who have had children my whole life. I secretly envied my friend when she got pregnant at 16, not wanting to be a mom until I finished school, but wishing I had a baby of my own. I even took a parenting class in high school where you had to bring home that doll that cried at various times and you had to stick a key in their back to give them their need.

The last three years however have been a never ending cycle of disappointments.  IUI didn’t work for me.  I am not as fertile as I need to be to get pregnant.  Maybe if I had a partner whom I was having sex with on a regular basis things would be different, but they aren’t.  Does that mean I give up?

My father didn’t raise a quitter.

I am going through the process of adopting.  I don’t NEED to be pregnant, though it would be great, but I NEED to be a mother.  I NEED to feel a small hand wrapped around mine, looking into the eyes of my child as they call me mom.  I NEED to do this for me – and for them.

I am going to adopt

I have almost completed my home study, my medical forms were signed (thank GOD) my police check and finger printing have been submitted and my biographies and short answer questionnaires have been written, edited, and submitted.  My references from my mom, Agnes and Kim have been mailed in and I have contacted the agency that will process my adoption with Haiti.  It’s been a busy few months.  Wow.

This weekend I start my PRIDE classes.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, here is a brief synopsis from the Adopt Ontario website:

PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education) is a  a total of 27 hours of training that could be offered in a variety of ways, from once a week to sessions on weekends. Whenever possible, applicant participation in a PRIDE training program should be concurrent with the completion of their SAFE homestudy.

The PRIDE curriculum provides information to help prepare all adoptive parents for the responsibilities involved in raising their children and incorporates information about the following:

• Adoption and child welfare systems, processes and laws
• Attachment as a central issue in all adoptions
• Loss issues in adoption
• Impact of adoption on your own family
• Child development, child management and an overview of issues specific to the needs of adopted children
• The effects of neglect, lack of stimulation, abuse, institutionalization on children
• Identity formation and the importance of cultural and racial awareness
• The importance of connections and continuity for children

Doesn’t this sound like something all first time parents should have to go through before they are allowed to get pregnant?  I mean obviously some of it wouldn’t be necessary, but a lot of it would be super beneficial and helpful – especially to young moms and parent’s who haven’t spent a lot of time around children!

I have a lot of experience with children – both blood related and friends kid’s.  However I am so looking forward to these classes.  I can’t wait to learn from, and talk to, people who are going to be going through the same things as me around the same time.  I can’t wait to study and find resources that support my desire to parent an adopted child.  My heart is so full of excitement and love that half the time I feel like crying tears of pure joy!

The next two weekends will be wonderful, educational and bring me that one step closer to me fulfilling my dreams.  My dad would be so excited for me!

Love Nicole

Having two dogs for three days convinced me I want ONE child

I’m going to start this off by saying, that if I am blessed with twins, I will be extremely happy and love both children and have absolutely NO problem raising both babies…

On Tuesday my friend asked me if I could watch her 8-year-old Yorkie/Lhaso Apso mix until Friday so she could drive her daughter to University.  Of course, being available, I said yes!  I mean how much work could a second dog be?

Monty is a sweet little guy and since Simba (my cocker spaniel mix) couldn’t care less about other dogs, I was confidant it would be a fun few days – and it was!  The first night I had both dogs (who mostly ignored each other) I decided to take them for a walk.  I have only ever had one dog on a walk before, but I have walked probably a dozen different dogs in my life time, all of various sizes and temperaments so this should have been a piece of cake!  The walk started off great, they pushed forward, peeing on everything they passed and of course peeing over each others pee because they both were desperate to be pack leader!  Monty is older, but Simba is bigger and he took over as pack leader quite quickly, leading the walk and stopping the walk when he wanted it to stop.  The problem came when the leashes got tied up.  The dogs were going back and forth and at one point I had to take the leash off Simba because I couldn’t untangle them attached!  Coming home from that walk my amazing neighbors were out and both dogs went crazy trying to say hello to all four of the McKinnon clan!

I was worried about the sleep that night, not sure exactly if Monty would sleep on the bed or if he would try to jump off it and want to run around.  My fears were eased when he settled quickly in between my feet.  The problem came when Simba – who was snuggled into my armpit decided Monty was to close to me and leaped in between my legs and settled into a deep sleep.  Needless to say, my sleep was not a sound one.  Between Simba and Monty, I couldn’t move and decided better to try to sleep on my back than wake two sleeping dogs who were getting along.

Waking up Wednesday morning, both dogs were staying home all day because my mom was coming over so I took them outside to do their business and my mom said there were no messes when she came over!  Again, both dogs ignored each other all day – until I came home.  Both dogs then decided that it was time to play.  Simba wanted Monty’s rope toy and Monty also wanted his rope toy – until he found Simbas toy box in the kitchen.

This box has probably 10-12 toys in it and Monty pulled out each toy and brought each one to his little fluffy bed. When Simba clued into what he was doing, Simba pulled each toy out of the bed and dropped it on the floor – in front of the TV.  Within 30 minutes I had almost a dozen toys (including Monty’s rope and two toys I didn’t even know Simba had) scattered between the TV and Monty’s bed (about four feet).  Of course when I went to pick them all up, both dogs followed me looking fully annoyed I was cleaning up there party!  I put both dogs to bed early, ensuring they could NOT sleep in between me.

Thursday night, I decided to attempt mowing my newly sodded back yard while both dogs played around and I saw Monty walk up the side of yard, but the gate is never open so I knew he’d be fine and I kept mowing.  About five minutes later I realized I hadn’t seen him come back down yet and Simba was lying on the freshly mowed grass doing nothing so I went up the side and called Monty’s name – the gate was OPEN!  Of course panic set in and I ran out screaming his name looking up and down the street looking like a mad woman.  I can’t believe I had LOST a dog!!!!

I looked to my right and in the middle of the street stood Monty (about 8 houses down!).  I called his name, and instead of coming to me, he walked towards the boulevard and pee’d on a tree and then walked back across the street FULLY ignoring me!

I ran over to him and he tried to run away but I used my angry teacher voice and he stopped and sat down.  I picked him up and lectured him about running away (cause you know dogs totally understand English!) and brought him back home.  After that, play time was over.  We went inside and shortly later went to bed.

Today I dropped Monty back off at his home and gave him lots of kisses goodbye.  It was fun having another dog around, especially one who is so playful, but I’m grateful for Simba and I think one dog is more than enough for me!

Now, what does this have to do with children you ask???

I always assumed, if I was successful with my IUI, that I would keep a vile of sperm from the same donor so I could have a second child and my kids would be biologically related, but sometimes having one is enough. I have thought having a second dog would be awesome, and it was fun, but it wasn’t awesome, it was exhausting…Simba is MORE than enough dog for me to care for!  I am single and I have a lot of love to give, but I think my love, time, patience and strength would best be spread out to one child (and one dog).  Having two (alone) would be hard, a lot harder than I really need or particularly want it to be.  If I do find an amazing man than a second or third child even would be great, but if it’s just me, I’ll stick to my beautiful Koko Bean and be overjoyed with them.

Love

Nicole

Because I’m not a mother…

Because I am not a mother I have a lot of free time on my hands to be a great (surrogate) aunt to lots of little ones and this past weekend was no exception!

My heart and soul is always with Julia, my beautiful five-year old whose parents know I will always and forever treat her like my own; she made getting through my fathers funeral a little more bearable because she was there.  I don’t get to spend nearly as much time with her as I would like and now that I have moved out to Ajax the time between our visits has gotten longer, but she is NEVER far from my thoughts and ALWAYS in my heart.  We have an insane connection that no one can understand and I am just so glad her mom and dad respect and accept it!  I think they love it actually cause they aren’t super close to family so I am also like a little sister to them!

Anyway, this weekend, on Sunday I finally had plans to spend the day with her family and we made up for lost time!  We also planned a flower party she wants to have with her little friends this summer.  Thank you to Pinterest for making this party planning possible!  Julia, her mom and I planned everything and then advised her dad (who was the original genius behind the idea, but who is a little better at delegating than planning) who gave it the green light and now I know I will get to see my little muffin top (cause muffin tops are the best part of the muffin) next month too!

Yesterday I was blessed to spend time with both of my friend Kims kids because her oldest (who’s 4) had a t-ball game and since Yoga was cancelled due to the holiday I got to attend.  I also got to snuggle and feed her youngest (2 months) because Kim was helping with the t-ball game!  So all in all last night was a GREAT night!

I spent time with their family after the game to watch fireworks too and there was so many little kiddies around and really just sitting around talking to Kim topped off a weekend high!

This weekend would have been a lot different had I had a newborn baby to take care of.  Please don’t get me wrong, I still want my own child, more now than ever, but while I am not pregnant and have no responsibility but to myself and Simba, I am going to ensure I get as much “auntie” time with the little ones as possible…

Love

Nicole

It Happened

I knew it would.  I have been dreading the holiday season because I. KNEW. IT. WOULD. HAPPEN.  

Dammit.  

I got a Christmas card for my dad. 

There it was staring up at me, a red envelope with black lettering, snowflakes dancing across the front.  A gentleman’s name I was unfamiliar with on the return address stamp.  Inside was a personal message to my father.  My heart immediately sunk.  I had been having a good day, a good week even.  But like a rock, I sunk to a pool of emptiness.  I had to find out who this person was, who didn’t my family consult on when we had the funeral back in July?  

I called my brother and he didn’t know.  I did what all young people do, I went on Google.  I searched the address.  It was an RBC building, I ran to grab my dad’s paper work, and it is from his financial advisor.  We haven’t closed my dad’s stocks yet, haven’t informed his FA that my dad passed because we didn’t have the certificate allowing us to cash out the stocks.  Ironically, I had also gotten that paper work completed yesterday.  

Thankfully, I don’t feel bad about not informing this man of his passing because they weren’t friends, I doubt he would have attended the funeral; he (I assume) was a voice over the phone advising him of when and what to invest in.  My father never mentioned him by name and I never had to drive him to appointments so I am guessing their relationship was not a close one.  My guilt was relieved, my heart started to beat normally again.  

I will be contacting this gentleman soon to cash the stocks so I will advise him of my father’s passing and express my thanks for the Christmas card.  I just pray I don’t receive anymore.  I believe everyone knows…I hope. 

Love

Nicole

I can plan a babyshower dammit!

Supposedly some women have been telling me you cannot plan your own baby shower when it’s time.

Insert: yes I am WELL aware I am not even pregnant yet

However, I feel like as it is my baby shower and I only will get one most likely – I should be able to have things my way, thus I can plan it, or at least help plan it!! I am not going to host it – that would be ridiculous.  That’s my sister, mom, bff’s or co-workers job. 

My friend and colleague, Sarah, introduced me to this amazing website last week – you may have heard of it…pinterest???  LOL…Yes I am also WELL aware that Pinterest is not new and most women have not only heard of this site – they are on it, pinning things left, right and center!

I have been on pinterest everyday since, pinning to boards for different bedrooms in my non-existent house, christmas decorations for the year I eventually want to get really into the holiday’s again and baby shower ideas, games, themes etc for the one day I, as a mom-to-be, gets celebrated!

   

Doesn’t this game look like fun – pin the sperm on the egg – and it’s totally appropriate given how I am chosing to get preggo!

These just look delicious and I wanted them to eat now – however they will work at a shower too – although blue icing if Koko is a boy!

 

What cute favours!!

 

A creative game that requires no effort – just my style!!

 

Watching my friends drink from baby bottles will have me in stitches and that day it is all about me and Koko – if I am happy, Koko is happy!  See, I need to be involved in the planning!!

What’s so hard to understand??

Love

Nicole

 

 

Home Sweet Home

About 5-6 years I met a guy named John.  I am guessing if John knew the trouble I would give him in this current year, he would have run for the hills.  Am I trying to get him to be my boyfriend, no – he is in a long-term relationship with Erin one of my best friends.  Am I trying to get him to donate a kidney, no – my kidneys are okay for now.  Am I trying to get him to rob a bank for me – no, I have money I am okay there too. 

John is a real estate agent and he is going to drag me through the process of buying my first home kicking and screaming this year.  

I have lived in the same home my entire 32 years.  Yes I lived in Peterborough for University and for a year and a bit with my ex, but my home, with my dad has always been my home.  I always had a room there and I have always come home.  Once my dad passed, once he was suddenly gone, the home on Sedgemount no longer felt like my home.  I have lived there this past two months, feeling like a visitor in a building that is not mine.  It hurts.  This house that has lovingly seen my ups and downs, my highs and my lows isn’t mine anymore – without my dad, I feel homeless.  

It’s very important for me to find a place of my own, a house that I can make a home.  A new place that will watch me and my child and Simba grow together as a unit, a team. 

I am looking to move to Pickering, Ontario.  Scarborough, my current hometown, is just west of Pickering, a new neighbourhood, a new location, it’s what I need.  See that, I am looking at what I need!  

I have been inundating John with emails, phone calls and telepathy to ensure I get what I want.  My list keeps changing.  Now that I have Simba, I must have a fenced-in backyard and I do not want any carpeting ANYWHERE in the house.  I want it move in ready. 

The Scarborough house has been under constant construction for two years and the idea of continuing to live in construction makes me want to pull my hair out and since I am planning on being pregnant by the time I move, it must be move in ready.  I am okay with having to paint – in fact I most likely will paint, (have someone else paint) the entire house. 

I want a modern house, I am not a country girl or an old-fashioned girl, I like clean lines, neutral colours offset by bold designs. I need spacious rooms and there must be closets for days!  When I moved into my dad’s basement he had one of the rooms turned into a closet for me and I have filled up that closet and made my aunt Sharron proud!  

I have lots of ideas on what I want, what I need in a future home.  What did you look for when you went to buy your first home – was it based on a “gut” feeling, were you logical or did you throw your practicality to the wind?? 

Don’t even get me started on mortgages and banks…that’s a whole other rant. 

Love

Nicole

 

 

Hello? Is this thing on?

Don’t you hate when you are following someone’s blog and they disappear for a week?  On Sunday, I went to the walk-in clinic…STREP THROAT.  Because I haven’t been through enough in the past 2 months, lets throw a contagious disease on top of it.  Needless to say, I was unimpressed about the idea of being completely isolated for three days until I was no longer contagious and even less impressed with the fact that I couldn’t go to work.  So no blogging for me – I’m sorry

I missed a very important job fair that I was leading from my office 😦

Now I am back though so here is what has happened while I was gone:

I have had a few more ultrasounds – everything still looks good!  I have one more to confirm ovulation is happening this weekend and then after my next period I prepare for insemination!  HOLY CRAP!  Ya, I am so excited I could cry.  I have wanted this, my dad had wanted this, for so long now I just don’t know how to contain my enthusiasm. 

I have narrowed my donor choices down to three and will be confirming by the end of day today which one I will be using.  Did you know how many choices there are??  I mean seriously hundreds of options.  I’m almost relieved I am CMV negative because that narrows my choices.  The fact I want tall, caucasian with dark features narrows it down to about thirty and then taking things out like a cleft chin, not having only male offspring, not being an OPEN ID donor, and not someone with a history of diabetes (my father and paternal grandfather died of diabetes related issues) makes my choices even slimmer!  So now I will look at my few choices left and look at other things (hobbies?) to determine which donor I will choose.  I’ll let you know all about this amazing man as soon has I have details!

I have decided to only go with OPEN ID donors.  That way when my child turns 18 they have the choice of trying to find out more information and even possibly meeting the donor.  I am pro-choice in everything I do.  I want my child to have choices.  If they want to meet the man who made their mother happier then she ever dreamed possible – then he/she will have that CHOICE. 

I also saw a social worker yesterday – all part of this process.  She wasn’t there to judge or decide if I would be a good mom or not, but I am pretty sure after our 90 minute conversation she has realized what my friends and some members of my family have realized – I am a mom, I was born to be a mom.  I will give everything and do everything for this child, my child to be happy and successful in their own way! 

Having gone through ultrasounds and blood tests and a sono and all the other small things that need to be done in this process has been exhausting, but if/when the doctor tells me I am pregnant, every second, every cramp, every dollar will have been more than worth it.  It’s so close now.  I am so close.  Doing it alone wasn’t the way I had planned, at the very least I had hoped my dad would be available to tell every detail to, but I will settle for you, my readers, I enjoy each and every one of your comments, words of support and “likes”.  Thank you so much, truly, for sharing in this journey with me.

Love

Nicole

Last one from the past

Again, I wasn’t going to post this – things have changed, my friend is hurting.  My heart is broken for her, for her family and for the baby that wasn’t.  However, she is strong and determined to move on and try again.  So because of that, I will post this. 

XOXO

July 11^th, 2013 

Friends having babies 

I was fortunate enough to find out yesterday that one of my favorite people in the world is pregnant!  Newly pregnant and because of that I will not name names for her privacy and that of her family – but I am so excited for her!!! 

She has been an amazing inspiration to me the last year or two and I am grateful to have her not only in my life, but in the life of my future child.  She is an inspirational mom already and she is someone whom I look forward to learning from. 

Yes I believe every woman can learn from other women how to (and how not to) parent.  Her kids, while crazy at times – whose aren’t – are happy, healthy children and I think the greatest joy a mother or parent can know is knowing their children are happy and healthy.  So for her to be pregnant again is a blessing to her, to her husband, to her children and to the world, because her kids will change the world as we see it.  I know it! 

So many of my friends have kids and so many of them have qualities I look at when thinking of how I want to mother my children.  I am blessed to have Erin, an ECE nanny who specializes in sleep training because if there is any room for improvement from the moms I know – it’s in sleep training.  Now while I agree every parent has to do what’s best for them, I know having my child sleep in bed with me (or me in their bed) is nothing I want to be a part of.  It may happen, I can’t say it won’t – I don’t know – but I will do everything in my power to not have it happen and Erin is going to do wonders for me and my little KoKo bean whenever he/she graces me with their presence.    

I bet you can’t wait for me to admit defeat and bring KoKo bean into bed with me no??  Who knows, it may happen!  I will be the first one to hang my head and apologize when it does – trust me; I have a great sense of humility. 

Love Nicole