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Dreams can come true – if you are patient

There was a hard, dirt path from the Creche to the little building I was staying in.  As I walked towards the door I could feel the heat on my face, see the sun and knew that I would be sweating through my shirt by mid day.  I didn’t care though because a smiley faced toddler was running up the path screaming manman (mother in Creole) dressed in a beige t-shirt and crocs on her tiny feet.

She wrapped her arms around me and I could smell baby powder and sweat.  I was on my knees, tears springing to my eyes – this was my daughter.

My alarm went off and I woke up in my queen sized bed, light streaming through my window, Simba snuggled in my knee nook snoring softly.

It’s not a bad way to wake up-but that dream was so real I couldn’t help but cry wanting those chubby little arms to still be around my neck.

I am a short way in to a long waiting game for a referral, knowing that this will not be the first of many dreams to follow.  Will I have a daughter or a son?  I don’t know and I don’t care.

Thank God for dreams

Nicole

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ciao 2015

Instead of being all young sad and blue that my 2015 wasn’t really MY year of greatness (it was kinda shitty for the most part – especially the end), I decided to look at some awesome things instead.

1. What did you do this year that you’re proud of?

I applied for the Supervisor role at my work.  Even though I eventually was unsuccessful, I tried.  I put my best foot forward and I helped my two friends who I adore (and who were successful) and I did it all with a smile on my face and true, genuine happiness in my heart.

2.What were some times that you laughed so hard you could barely breathe?

My summer at the cottage with Kim and her family.  Our evenings by the campfire were some of the most fun times I have had – and most nights ended with me bawling from laughing so hard! “Eddie threw bugs on us”!!!

3. What were quotes that you loved this year?

From Tina Fey – I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home.  I didn’t used to have to do that.  But now I do.

4. What is your favorite photo from this year?

This photo was taken before I left on my Dominican trip with my family – Simba always is my favorite – he’s so sweet!

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5. Who are people that you believe are bringing out the best in you?

I have an amazing group of girlfriends that make me – me! To name a few, Kim, Nancy B, Erin, Agnes, Sarah, Alex, Dawn, Tammy, Rochelle, Kristi, Nancy W and so many more.  I love you all

And finally…

6. What are some things you’d like to focus and work on in the next year?

Obviously the adoption will be my ONLY priority, but at the same time I also need to work on my, my health both physically and mentally, to prepare myself for being a mother.  This is my focus.

Love Nicole

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Having two dogs for three days convinced me I want ONE child

I’m going to start this off by saying, that if I am blessed with twins, I will be extremely happy and love both children and have absolutely NO problem raising both babies…

On Tuesday my friend asked me if I could watch her 8-year-old Yorkie/Lhaso Apso mix until Friday so she could drive her daughter to University.  Of course, being available, I said yes!  I mean how much work could a second dog be?

Monty is a sweet little guy and since Simba (my cocker spaniel mix) couldn’t care less about other dogs, I was confidant it would be a fun few days – and it was!  The first night I had both dogs (who mostly ignored each other) I decided to take them for a walk.  I have only ever had one dog on a walk before, but I have walked probably a dozen different dogs in my life time, all of various sizes and temperaments so this should have been a piece of cake!  The walk started off great, they pushed forward, peeing on everything they passed and of course peeing over each others pee because they both were desperate to be pack leader!  Monty is older, but Simba is bigger and he took over as pack leader quite quickly, leading the walk and stopping the walk when he wanted it to stop.  The problem came when the leashes got tied up.  The dogs were going back and forth and at one point I had to take the leash off Simba because I couldn’t untangle them attached!  Coming home from that walk my amazing neighbors were out and both dogs went crazy trying to say hello to all four of the McKinnon clan!

I was worried about the sleep that night, not sure exactly if Monty would sleep on the bed or if he would try to jump off it and want to run around.  My fears were eased when he settled quickly in between my feet.  The problem came when Simba – who was snuggled into my armpit decided Monty was to close to me and leaped in between my legs and settled into a deep sleep.  Needless to say, my sleep was not a sound one.  Between Simba and Monty, I couldn’t move and decided better to try to sleep on my back than wake two sleeping dogs who were getting along.

Waking up Wednesday morning, both dogs were staying home all day because my mom was coming over so I took them outside to do their business and my mom said there were no messes when she came over!  Again, both dogs ignored each other all day – until I came home.  Both dogs then decided that it was time to play.  Simba wanted Monty’s rope toy and Monty also wanted his rope toy – until he found Simbas toy box in the kitchen.

This box has probably 10-12 toys in it and Monty pulled out each toy and brought each one to his little fluffy bed. When Simba clued into what he was doing, Simba pulled each toy out of the bed and dropped it on the floor – in front of the TV.  Within 30 minutes I had almost a dozen toys (including Monty’s rope and two toys I didn’t even know Simba had) scattered between the TV and Monty’s bed (about four feet).  Of course when I went to pick them all up, both dogs followed me looking fully annoyed I was cleaning up there party!  I put both dogs to bed early, ensuring they could NOT sleep in between me.

Thursday night, I decided to attempt mowing my newly sodded back yard while both dogs played around and I saw Monty walk up the side of yard, but the gate is never open so I knew he’d be fine and I kept mowing.  About five minutes later I realized I hadn’t seen him come back down yet and Simba was lying on the freshly mowed grass doing nothing so I went up the side and called Monty’s name – the gate was OPEN!  Of course panic set in and I ran out screaming his name looking up and down the street looking like a mad woman.  I can’t believe I had LOST a dog!!!!

I looked to my right and in the middle of the street stood Monty (about 8 houses down!).  I called his name, and instead of coming to me, he walked towards the boulevard and pee’d on a tree and then walked back across the street FULLY ignoring me!

I ran over to him and he tried to run away but I used my angry teacher voice and he stopped and sat down.  I picked him up and lectured him about running away (cause you know dogs totally understand English!) and brought him back home.  After that, play time was over.  We went inside and shortly later went to bed.

Today I dropped Monty back off at his home and gave him lots of kisses goodbye.  It was fun having another dog around, especially one who is so playful, but I’m grateful for Simba and I think one dog is more than enough for me!

Now, what does this have to do with children you ask???

I always assumed, if I was successful with my IUI, that I would keep a vile of sperm from the same donor so I could have a second child and my kids would be biologically related, but sometimes having one is enough. I have thought having a second dog would be awesome, and it was fun, but it wasn’t awesome, it was exhausting…Simba is MORE than enough dog for me to care for!  I am single and I have a lot of love to give, but I think my love, time, patience and strength would best be spread out to one child (and one dog).  Having two (alone) would be hard, a lot harder than I really need or particularly want it to be.  If I do find an amazing man than a second or third child even would be great, but if it’s just me, I’ll stick to my beautiful Koko Bean and be overjoyed with them.

Love

Nicole

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What I’ve learned from living with my mom

When I was 13, just a girl struggling to find my place in this world, my parents got a divorce. The only world I knew changed – dramatically.  The mother, who I had been closest to left and my father, whom I barely knew – and to be honest didn’t like very much, continued in my raising and became my sole-parent.  I saw my mom most weeks for an hour or two, but our relationship quickly deteriorated and I relied on my (now) sister-in-law, my Aunt Sharron and my paternal grandmother as my support systems. As the weeks became months, which quickly became years we saw each other less and less to where it was only at Christmas and maybe mothers day where we would spend any significant time together.

My father and I on the other hand became the best of friends…well, that took years, but it happened.  Her leaving, was the best thing that could have happened to me.  If my parents had gotten divorced and I had been left in her care, I wouldn’t be me.  I wouldn’t be the confidant, happy girl I am now.  I don’t know who I would be, but I wouldn’t be me and I am kind of awesome – so her leaving…it was for the best.  I am not one of those people who thinks parents should stay together for the kids – at all!  We only have ONE life to live and everyone should live it to the fullest and be happy – or as happy as possible.  If two people make each other miserable, or hurt each other or just aren’t good together anymore, I believe a break up needs to happen.  Maybe that’s why marriage isn’t my first priority in life.  It’s a very expensive break up, when really, two people should be able to choose happiness over unhappiness any day.

Fast forward twenty years and my mom somehow finds her way back into my life.  Her husband (my step-dad) has passed away and a little over a year later, my dad passes on and I am left…not alone…but, I am left with her.  I am left with the woman who gave birth to me.  And regardless of how she came back into my world, she walked through that door and hasn’t for one moment looked back.  I happily opened the door wide, with no locks, no restraints, no guilt.  I know my dad would want us to be together – to look out for each other.  It’s who he was.  He wasn’t bitter or negative about the divorce…he loved me and he wanted my mom in my life – even if I was an adult now and way to stubborn to take any motherly advice.

I don’t hold grudges.  I don’t make people feel bad about mistakes they have made in the past.  I have felt a lot of hurt from people I loved most, but that is there cross to bear, not mine.  I forgive easily, it’s just who I am.  Again, my dad raised me this way and I am perfectly happy being the way I am.

When my mom called me two months ago saying she needed a place to temporarily stay I didn’t think twice – I invited her to stay with me.  I have a house – a three bedroom home with two bathrooms and a finished basement for me and my pup.  I have a lot of room for guests.  Even if I didn’t – this is my mother.  She went through almost two days of labour with me, I could allow her to come stay with me for a few weeks (or months if need be).

She moved in the first of June and on July 18th she will move back with my aunt (her twin sister) permanently.  It has been a pretty great time.  I have zero complaints.  If it had been more than a few weeks or months, I would have been happy with that too.  I am not mad she’s moving out or angry, I have no feelings of abandon, I liked living alone and I liked living with her so I am good either way.  I don’t need months of therapy (lol, though that would be funny) but I am pretty sure my poor dog will because he LOVES his human nana and has become pretty obsessed with her.

I actually learned a few things in the past 6 weeks and I am going to recount them here for you:

We get along much better as adults on an equal playing field then we ever would have when I was a teenager.

My mom is awesome, but her tolerance for foolishness and childishness is small.  Lazy, full of attitude teenagers is not her cup of tea – and I was FULL OF ATTITUDE as a teen.  We would have butted heads – probably even more than my dad and I did, because at least with him, I knew when he said no he meant no.  I would have pushed my moms buttons a lot harder than I pushed his.  As an adult, we relate better to each other

I have a lot of similarities to my mom – huh!  Who knew?!

I didn’t think we had much in common.  She spent the last 20 years, happy in a small town and I have loved my home in Scarborough (Toronto) and never had any desire to move to a small town – though technically Ajax is a town…so again, I have changed…grown! We watch similar shows, enjoy similar food and even have similar body shapes right now (though we are both over weight and need to work on that)

She is extremely helpful

Everything from doing my gardening (which I strongly dislike doing) to taking care of my pooch to ironing my clothes; as a retired person, she has lots of free time and she happily does a lot for me without me even asking and I am grateful!  She has made life pretty easy for me these past few weeks – especially where Simba is concerned.  In return I have given her a home and I cook dinner every night she is there which is a benefit to us both.

We laugh – a lot

Living alone, I laugh at tv shows, I laugh when Simba is being crazy, but other that than, my laughter has died down.  When my mom moved in, I found my real laughter, my deep gut, hearty laugh.  I laugh till I cry.  I laugh so much my stomach hurts.  It’s fun.  It’s great to be exhausted from laughing so much, it really is the best therapy.

She never stopped loving me

I never doubted my moms love, I doubted her ability to be a mom. Since moving in, she has been extremely motherly towards me, but in a more mature way, since I am not a baby or a little girl anymore. It’s refreshing.  Losing my dad took a part of my heart and made it go away forever…having a parent who loves me still in my life has made the rest of my heart beat a little stronger.  She is a wonderful person and I am glad I allowed her willingly into my home, my heart and my soul.

Love Nicole

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The Wildlife in Ajax

I hate Mondays…especially in the Fall, Winter and Spring.  Mondays mean that when I come home, I need to put my recycle out and every other week the garbage needs to follow.  Tuesdays are my pick up day so Monday nights mean hauling the trash down to the curb.  This is pure laziness on my part.  I am well aware of this.  When I get home from work, I want to do nothing – especially not drag 3 – 5 bins down to the roadside.

Last night when I pulled into the driveway (it was still bright outside thank you day light savings!) I opened the garage door from inside the car and let Simba jump and run out ahead of me.  I giggled as he ran up to the front door and then bounced happily into the garage sniffing everything.  I quickly went in to grab the tall blue recycle bin when out of the corner of my eye, I saw it…

A raccoon was curled up (asleep?) in one of my large black garbage cans.  I squealed for Simba to get inside (he doesn’t get along with wildlife really) and quickly dropped the box I was carrying and ran in the house behind him.  After settling Simba down with dinner, I snuck outside and tossed one of his poop bags at the garbage can hoping I would scare the raccoon and he would run out.  No. Such. Luck.

I threw another poop bag and then grabbed my shovel and started banging the side wall of the garage.  Nothing.  I tip toed carefully to the garbage bin and peaked in and I saw the fur of this damn animal still chilling (dead/asleep) in the bin.  At that point, my fear radar was off the charts and I walked back inside determined that I had a new roommate.  I named him Jeff (after my friends husband who won’t come help me get rid of him).  I kept my garage door open until about 8:30 last night and then closed it and went to bed.

Waking up this morning, I completed my morning routine and after securing Simba and I in the car, I pushed the button to open the garage door.  Nothing.  The boxes that I had dropped there the evening before had been tipped over and messed up a little, but no signs of Jeff the raccoon anywhere.  I flashed my lights and drove up as close as I could, but either Jeff escaped last night or  he was well hidden (in my garbage can?).

Thankfully tonight I have my college class and won’t be home till late, so Jeff and I do not need to deal with each other – but if I see him tomorrow, well it will be him V. me and I pay the mortgage and property tax so his ass needs to vamous!

Love

Nicole

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wifi, christmas and so much more

When my father passed in July 2013 I knew immediately that Christmas, for me, would never be the same.  No matter how many traditions we kept or where we had our parties or how many gifts were under the tree, the meaning and spirit of Christmas ended in a final heartbeat.  Last year Christmas was completely thrown off thank you very much Ice Storm 2013 and this year with my fathers house sold and gone, I was never going to experience Christmas again – not the same way I had celebrated it for 31 Christmas’s.  I’m trying to enjoy it as much as I can, but really without little ones trying to shake presents and baking cookies for Santa, it’s hard to truly liven up and laugh and have joy.

I keep seeing my daughters eyes sparkle at the glistening lights and my sons mischievous grin as he plots to wait up for the big man in red, not knowing that Santa won’t come until he has long since fallen asleep.  Where are my children you ask?  I don’t know.  They haven’t been born yet.  They have yet to be conceived.  My chance to be a mom hasn’t come.  Everyone says this year will be my year, I will have a baby of my own next Christmas and my spirit wil return.  It’s possible – sure.  My womb could swell with life soon and I could be crying in relief in  few short months, but I could also be like the other infertile women I know who are wondering why God is blessing others and not them.

My dear friend was afraid to tell me that her sister found out she was four months pregnant a few days ago because her sister did not want a fourth child – a fourth!!  She took steps to prevent it, but clearly not enough.  She is going to keep it of course and she will love it just like she does her other three beauties, but in reality this child was not planned. I’m not mad, I’m not pissed that she gets a fourth while I can’t get a first.  I’m thrilled because she is a great mom and my friend is a great Aunt and her kids are great cousins.  Sure I am jealous and frustrated, but angry…no.  Children are a blessing and I am happy for the wonderful addition to her family.

Simba and I now to need to wait and see – will we get to expand our family of two?  Will the presents under the tree be filled with toys and baby clothes?  Will everyone be coming over to my place to see little koko bean, arms filled with pink or blue?

For now I am grateful that I got to spend time with my nieces and nephew over the holidays. I got to hug my aunt and uncle who live farther away.  I made my pink salad and ate so many mozzarella sticks I thought Id be sick.  I watched my dog and my brothers dog fight it out for hours.  I had a good time.

I don’t know how many more single holidays I will be able to say that for. Nothing is the same.  At least for now I can document this journey on my laptop because I, Nicole, got wifi!

Oh a blogging’ I will go!!

Love

Nicole

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Mother Nature you are being a bitch

This pretty much sums up my feelings

This pretty much sums up my feelings

Last year we had Ice Storm 2013.  It knocked out the power across Toronto and other regions in and around the GTA for days, ruining Christmas for many and causing people and communities to really pull together to survive and thrive.  It was cold all the time.  The snow came and went at a moments notice.  Everyone – even the winter and snow lovers, became miserable.  Fearing winter would never end.

Pretty and ugly all at the same time!

Pretty and ugly all at the same time!

I was on the verge of anxiety attacks every day!  I crave warmth, bathe in it, dream about it regularly and last winter was really rough.  My first winter/Christmas without my dad and the weather was really not helping! All I wanted was to feel some heat – thanks to my friend for coming to Cuba with me for my birthday so that I was able to get soak in some vitamin D!  The snow and ice and cold stayed with us through March and into April and I don’t know if anyone was sad to see it go.

Summer wasn’t all that great, no major heat waves which sucked and it rained quite a bit so I am still feeling a bit jipped!

Now its November – not even December and it is below 0 degrees and we have snow – Buffalo which is an hour and a half away has THREE FEET OF SNOW!  My contractor is stuck there because of the craziness going on.  Mother Nature is being a stupid bitch (and I hate that word, but seriously there is no other word that spews as much venom toward her than bitch!).  I remember winters where we didn’t get snow till AFTER Christmas.  Where it was cold, but not freezing.  Where we had days and weeks in between snow storms.  Now its mere hours…what the frig!?

This is gearing up to be another bad winter.  2014 isn’t out yet and it’s ending pretty crappy weather wise.  Even Simba isn’t impressed.  He has been peeing on my deck and not on the grass or patio because he wants to run back in so quickly – and he’s a damn dog!  If he can’t survive it, how am I supposed to??

Love

Nicole