40 Pounds

Since I am being slaughtered having surgery for cyst removal again next month, I needed a check up from my family doctor – ya the same woman who refused to sign my referral to the fertility clinic over a year ago – so I headed over with all my pre-op forms and waited somewhat impatiently for her to see me.

The first thing she wanted was my height/weight. Now listen, I am not a stupid woman, all my “thinner” clothes I bought when I was on weight watchers in 2011 don’t even come close to fitting me anymore and the “normal” clothes I’ve worn for a few years before and after the 2011, 25 pd weight loss, barely fit and most days I’m lucky if I can squeeze into the 18’s that have been antagonizing me, taunting me from the closet. I knew I had gained 20 pds back after my initial 25 pd weight loss, what I was not expecting was for Dr. B to tell me I had gained an additional 20 pds so I am 40 pds up from my 25 pds weight loss! WTF! I am disgusted…I look at my body from a distance, rarely naked, hoping magically I’ll wake up and this will have been a nightmare. I pray that I don’t need to be at weight watchers anymore, but now I know I do. Weight Watchers has been the only thing for me that helps me stay on track. It’s a slow, but maintained weight loss solution that I need to dedicate myself to again and as much as that completely sucks, it’s my fault. There is no one else to blame. My father died and I just didn’t care anymore about what I was eating, when I was eating or why I was eating.  I hopped off the scale quickly and everything else she needed from me faded into the background, like white noise.  All I could see was the number on the scale – a number I had never seen before.  I was at my absolute heaviest ever.

I have surgery in two weeks so starting WW now would be foolish. I will begin the last week of September and work on getting this hunk of fat off my body. I will try not to complain. I will try not to wine and feel sorry for myself, but of course I will. I will forgive myself on those days though because I am not perfect and this will not be an easy or fun journey and its one I take alone.

What bothers me now is what do I do about my fertility treatments? Do I continue with IUI knowing I am not at a weight that ideally supports this? It will take months for me to lose the weight I need to (45-50 pds) – and even longer for me to lose the weight I want (about 75-80 pds). I can’t even fathom the idea of not trying to have little Koko once I’m healed from the surgery, but am I throwing away money and time to try to get pregnant as an overweight woman? I just don’t know. Maybe I should book a consult with my fertility doctor – I mean she would tell me wouldn’t she?? I just wish things were easier – but what’s the point of wishing…I need to make these dreams come true…I want to hold Koko in my arms and tell him or her how much they were wanted by their mommy. For now, I wait.

This next journey is surgery and seeing how (if) my body heals from it.

Love

Nicole

one week

It always amazes me how much can happen in one week.  A week ago today I went to my family doctor with a fever, body aches and a nose that wouldn’t stop running no matter how much I blew and blew into the mountain of tissues that were slowly filling up my garbage can.

Dr B’s diagnosis: influenza…which is fine she said because she can write me a prescription for antibiotics and Tamiflu.  I should feel better in a couple of days!  I was relieved, because living alone, in a basement, sick is about as miserable as you can imagine.   I told her I was excited because that week I would also be inseminated for the first time so I needed to be better quick!  She looked at me with disappointing eyes and threw my prescriptions in the trash.  No antibiotics or Tamiflu for women trying to become pregnant. 

I would have to suffer with Advil and Nyquil till the insemination and then talk to my fertility doctor for further instructions.  I drove home in tears knowing I would be feeling awful for a while.  All week I basically lied in bed, sweating and yelling at poor Simba to leave me alone while I chugged NyQuil more efficiently than I ever could chug a beer.

On Friday I got a call from my fertility clinic – my egg was ready to go and I would be inseminated the next day!  This was the call I had been waiting for, every time my phone rang I would jump hoping it was time.  However Friday I was miserable from being sick for five days and the last thing I felt like doing was waking up at 6:30 in the morning to have a strange mans sperm inseminated into me. 

I know that sounds awful, for 11 months now I have waited for this phone call and now I just wanted to crawl under the covers and die (well not literally).  I called my mom and she said she would come with me and I would pick her up bright and early to attend the “event”. 

Saturday morning I gave blood, signed a million documents and paid my final bill with First Steps.  I left to go pick up my mom while the sperm de-thawed.  After an ultrasound and some more waiting Dr G. was ready for me. 

Now I have seen The Back Up Plan.  That J-Lo movie where she is flipped upside down to let gravity do it’s thing while she is artificially inseminated.  I was a little nervous about becoming nauseous upside down, but when I got into the room there was just a doctors table with stirrups.  No chair, no fancy technology – all very medical and boring.  I was inseminated quicker then you could blink and was told to come back 10 days later for a blood pregnancy test. 

That’s it.

A whole minute of my day that I hope and pray will change the rest of my life!

I went home, threw some pillows under my hips and placed my feet up against my headboard.  I wasn’t taking anything to chance – I mean if J-Lo had to be inverted shouldn’t I??

I napped the rest of day until I had to go to my old roommate Brendan’s wedding and have slowly started feeling better every day since. 

Please everyone send great vibes towards my uterus…I need all the luck I can!

Love

Nicole

I feel like a pin cushion – in a good way

This morning I completed my second round of acupuncture and I realized a few things:

1. My skin has a bad reaction to everything. I have a small rash on my wrists that makes me look like a cutter from the pins that were pushed into them.  My toes are still a bit itchy from where the two small needles jutted out.  I really hope Koko Bean gets her biological father’s skin and I hope for Koko Beans sake that his skin is better than mine.
2. My brain Never. Shuts. Up.  Seriously.  I get 25 minutes of peace and quiet, in a darkened room, no dog, no colleagues, no family, no phones, lying on a bed and instead of being able to focus on my breathing I am thinking of my blog, of Koko Bean, of work, of Simba, of my mom, of Tammy’s upcoming birthday dinner, of the books I am waiting to arrive from Chapters and of pretty much every other thing BUT relaxing.  Trust me, every time my thoughts would drift I would shift it back to my breathing, but within ten seconds I am back thinking of something else. I need help.
3. I have no shame.  When I was young and first started getting pap smears and yearly physical’s from doctors I would shave my legs, put on nice smelling lotion and have a fresh pedicure or at least have my toe nails with no polish and clean.  As an adult (young adult…lol) I don’t care.  I have seen my acupuncturist twice and both times my legs were hairy and my pedicure is in desperate need for some attention!  Listen, I don’t have a man in my life and summer is over so shaving my legs becomes an afterthought.  I do shave my legs in the fall and winter-but like twice a week and this week has been so busy I have only done it once – boohoo, sue me.  My naturopath is fine with it.  I am fine with it.  I’ll shave tonight – or tomorrow. Maybe.

I love Dr. B.  She is great and so warm and welcoming.  Like Dr. G, the doctor taking care of insemination at First Steps, she has made this whole experience a great one.  I feel important, not like a number.  Granted I am paying an arm and a leg for this process, so I should be treated well, but no one I have dealt with so far makes me feel like they are just happy about my money.  They genuinely seem happy for me.  If at the end of all this, the poking, the prodding, the tests, the blood samples, the cash transactions,  I have a beautiful little Koko Bean, it will be ALL worth it.  I cannot wait to share with you all this journey, our journey – mine and Koko Beans. 

Love

Nicole