725

725 days ago

everything stopped – it was like I was an actress in the most dramatic movie ever seen

I wasn’t acting

I walked into Scarborough General hospital, concerned, but confidant that HE would be fine. I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy and dozens of other hospital shows and people survived a Code Blue all the time…didn’t they?  It’s amazing what you remember 725 days ago, when I couldn’t tell you what I had for lunch yesterday.

I had just opened the hospital doors when my phone rang – it was in my newest purse, Michael Kors.  My mom had bought it for me in Vegas the April that had just passed.  The bag was large and the phone had been thrown in the bottom with my keys. I grasped it and saw my sister-in-laws number.  I knew before answering…it was over, HE was gone. As she spoke the words, my purse dropping and spraying items all over the spick and span hospital floor, I fell and screamed a sickening sound. My heart felt like it was going to stop beating, I thought I would be the one having the heart attack.  No one should ever feel that much pain and yet here I was on July 21st, 2013 at 5:30 am in an empty hallway of a Hospital wishing for death to take me because I could not, WOULD NOT live without HIM.  I don’t know how long I stayed on that floor, crumpled into the fetus position crying.  Somehow I made myself walk to the elevator because I knew more than anything I needed to be in HIS presence.  I got to HIS floor, where I had left HIM not even 24 hours ago with the promise of bringing HIM home that day and an orderly (or maybe a male nurse) caught me as I came crashing out of the steel elevator and quickly put me into a chair with a high back and rubbed my shoulders as I sobbed.  No one else was there, my brother and sister-in-law took another 20 minutes and my best friend who I had called wasn’t there for another 10. A nurse finally let me in, and that was it – with my own eyes, my father was gone.

That was 725 days ago.  It seems a lifetime ago, yet at the same time yesterday.  Everything that has happened since that day and everything that continues to happen regardless of my feelings or thoughts is sometimes astounding.  Life just keeps keeping on.  There is no stopping it.  He isn’t coming back.  My grandmother who passed away 2 years prior to this isn’t coming back.

Loss.  It doesn’t heal.  Not one day out of the 725 have I NOT thought about my dad.  Even if it’s just a brief moment or sometimes a full few hours he is there…always.  I haven’t shed as many tears this year as I did last year.  I haven’t had as many anxiety attacks as I did last year.  Maybe next year it will be even less.  But he will always be in my mind.  When I am sleeping, when I am driving, when I am making a hard decision, when I am planning a fun activity…he’s here, but not.  I want him HERE.

Some of my family will be gathering at the cemetery on the 21st and then concluding with a dinner to memorialize the occasion – just like we did last year, another year where he isn’t joining us.

damn

Who knew dating was THIS hard!!!???

It has been a sad, lonely, two and a half years since I’ve “dated” anyone.

That is a very long time not to feel the intimacy only a couple can share, so I went back on Eharmony a few weeks ago “just to see” and was almost immediately contacted by a guy who seemed “real”.  AKA not catfishing, and nice so we completed all the guided communication steps and went straight through to text messaging. Now I know people say you should talk on the phone to make a real connection, but unless I have something urgent to say or you are family I rarely talk on the phone anymore. This is not 1999!

Anyway, our texts were long and went on for days when FINALLY he asked me to a movie Tuesday. I was excited – so excited, but I didn’t want to share this news with everyone because I didn’t want to jinx anything. I didn’t want to have to explain if it didn’t go well. So I told two people for safety purposes (you can never be to careful) – my friend Kim and my friend Agnes.

*****Earlier that day, I was also dealing with my realtor trying to sell my father’s house and he needed some information from my brother so I left an urgent message at 5:00 telling him to call me immediately. Why am I telling you this??? Because this message caused shit to hit the fan – but I’ll get to that in a minute – just remember I left him an urgent message for him to call me back at 5:00 and I called Kim and Agnes around 7:00 about my date.

I met Eharmony (really I am not telling you his name at this point) at 7:15 at the movie theater and the movie we wanted to see that started at 7:40 was already full so we decided to see Spider-man at 8:20. We had an hour to sit and talk and conversation flowed so smoothly and really just confirmed to me that I really liked this guy. When the movie started he put his arm over my shoulder and I held my hand on his thigh. There was butterflies! I was excited! YAY! My first date is FOREVER and it was going well! I came out of the movie and decided I should check my phone to see if my brother had ever decided to call me back and to advise Kim and Agnes by text that I was alive and well.

I had 29 missed phone calls. I had 26 missed text messages. I stopped Eharmony quickly and started panicking…what had happened, was my mom okay, was Simba okay?? Did my house burn down…I didn’t leave a candle lit did I ? HOLY CRAP! My anxiety was rising in front of a guy I had just met!

I was about to walk out to call someone (at this point I hadn’t even checked who had called or texted) when my phone buzzed and it was Kim asking if I was okay and where was I?  I quickly told her I was fine and at the movie with Eharmony. She told me people were at my house and that some friends and family had been looking for me all night…at first I didn’t believe her…but than I started to wonder…was the emergency me??

WHAT? My friend Dawn than called and asked where I was and if I was okay…her boyfriend Matt was on his way to Ajax to find me (but I wasn’t lost? I was now confused?)

I realized that somehow people thought me being on this date meant I had ended up meeting a crazy man who killed me and left me in a ditch…I had to say a sad goodbye to Eharmony because besides Matt, my ex-boyfriend was also on his way to find me and the idea of either of those men pulling up to me and Eharmony (who people thought had killed me) in the parking lot was too much for me to stand. Thankfully Eharmony pulled me into an amazing first kiss goodbye and I quickly jumped into my car and drove home calling Kim to find out WHAT. THE. FUCK. HAPPENED.

Here is the somewhat insane version of the story I have gotten from all the people involved:

My brother got my voice message around 7:15-7:30 and I guess thought I sounded upset or that I was crying so when he couldn’t reach me by phone or text (I was in the theater with my phone in my purse) he asked his wife Tammy to listen to it and she confirmed I sounded really upset – NOTE: I was whispering because I was at work.

Tammy somehow or for some reason called my friend April, who got a hold of my friend Nancy through Facebookwho drove to my house and then called Erin who called Kim (and I think Matt and my ex were both contacted by my sister-in-law) and every one of those people were calling, texting and driving to my house (Kim drove to the movie theater and saw my car). Now my brother had also called my mother and really – the last thing she needs is to think her poor, single daughter is lying in a ditch raped and murdered by an online predator (which FYI Eharmony is not any of those things). It wasn’t until MUCH later that Kim put together the timeline with my phone call to my brother and my phone call to her and realized my call to her was TWO HOURS after my call to him and had nothing to do with my date with Eharmony so called off the hounds friends.

WTF? I was so embarrassed and had to text and call people back all night until way past midnight (and we all remember how much I love phone conversations) and then pray that Eharmony wouldn’t think I was insane or incapable of having a night out and that he would want to see me again).

Thankfully after returning home and walking my dog (who had become anxious when Nancy was at my house knocking on the door) and calming him down, Eharmony texted me to say goodnight and that he had a great time. I apologized for the quick ending of the date and said goodnight figuring he would never message me again.

He did…the next day and every day since. We are seeing each other again tomorrow and I am so glad cause I like this guy…is he the “one”, who knows what that even means anymore…but is he nice and kind and sweet and have a lot of qualities I am looking for – yes! So time will tell…

And my family and friends…well they have all been disowned…

 

 

 

Just kidding, I love each of them so much and am overwhelmed by how much they care!

 

Love

Nicole

My Top 5 reasons I am going to hate moving

 Since my last attempt at blogging was regarding why I am SO excited to move to Ajax, I figured it’s only fair to express my opinions on why moving away from my childhood home in Scarborough is going to be gut wrenching: 

1. It is my childhood home – I am familiar with every ounce of that home.  I know all its nooks and crannies.  Nothing about the house surprises or scares me.  I have a memory for every room and all of its free space.  Whether it be screaming downstairs when I was a young child because my brother turned off the lights on me, or lying on the couch in the living while my brother poured Ketchup on my head (again which resulted in my screaming), I can walk blindfolded through this house and not hit anything.  It is familiar and comfortable and I strongly dislike change.  
2. My neighbours are my second family – there are a handful of neighbours who have lived on the street for an extremely long amount of time and whose families I have integrated into.  These people have seen me at my best and my worst. I have befriended their children, tutored their children, and experienced life with them and their children.  They have watched out for me on numerous occasions, whether it be when my mom left and my dad was raising me on his own, or 20 years later when my dad passed away, leaving me lost and confused.  They know things about me that I probably don’t even know and if EVER a man pulls up into the driveway or stays the night – they know about it!  They gossip like little old ladies and I love it because sometimes it’s not about me and I get to know more about them this way! 
3. My brother and I and his three children all attended the same elementary and middle schools just down the street from my house and my children won’t.  The history dies off with my youngest niece who graduates from the middle school this coming June.  I know some of the teachers, I know some of the kids that go to these schools and now my kids will start new schools where everything is unfamiliar. 
4. Changing my address is a pain in the ass. When I moved in with my ex for a year, I changed everything over, knowing him and I would be together forever and in that apartment for at least a couple of years before getting engaged and buying a home together.  Well, clearly that didn’t work out and I had to move home again.  I had to change everything twice!  Besides just my driver’s license and health card, I have to change all my bills; I have to change all my online accounts, my bank info, my address with work and my pension.  I have to give the new address to all my friends and family.  All the fast food delivery places have my address and phone number associated with each other and now I have to change that!  It’s annoying!  I also am going to have my mail for me and my dad forwarded to the new address so I know who I need to change, people I have forgotten.  It’s not hard – and I am not complaining, but it’s a pain. 
5. This is the house where my dad kept me safe and protected.  Whether coming home for a week in my first year of University because I was so homesick I thought I wouldn’t survive or running in to my dad’s open arms when my ex left our relationship as quickly as he had jumped into it, it was my home.  Both my brother and I knew we could land safely here when the world knocked us down.   Not having this home is scary.  To give it to someone who may not love it like we do is scary.  

Life is scarier now.  That’s okay though.  It’s worth it.  Change can be good, and if it’s not – I don’t have that house to fall back on anymore so I better learn to make the best of the situation! 

Love

Nicole

I’m not all that excited for Halloween

 

As a little girl, my mother would make my older brother and I costumes, little devil outfits that fit over my snow suit, a boxed robot covered in tin foil for my brother.  Clearly my mother had her opinions of us, but since these were easy for her to make, we accepted it and happily went about getting our candy with our neighbourhood friends.  My father was always the one who would take us out, patiently waiting at the bottom of the driveway for us while we ran up screaming the typical   

Trick or Treat!!!!!

Every house on my street gave out candy except for the creepy guy who put his large, mean dogs out in the backyard as school was getting out and we littles had to pass  to get home.  Facing reality, I NEVER would have gone up to his door anyway and knocked, fearing he would have handed out poisoned apples, but still I felt this was incredibly rude to my four-year old self who was as cute as a button and really just wanted to show up my bright red devils horns along with my long devil tail.

Growing up, I don’t remember dressing up as much.  I cared more about parties and hanging with my friends rather than dressing up to get chocolate and candy.  After I stopped going out, we became that mean house on the street that didn’t had out candy – however the neighbourhood also started to change.  The kids I hung out with were too old to be cute trick or treaters and a lot of the new kids that moved into the neighbourhood didn’t celebrate Halloween and therefore rarely dressed up – sometimes donning a mask or a cape – but just wanting free candy.  We weren’t okay with that. 

Now as an adult, I hand out candy, to kids, who dress up, who say trick or treat.  If they meet these qualifications they get two or three candy’s.  If they don’t – in a bid not to get my house egged by the older asshole teenagers who think they are “oh so damn cool” – I give them one, and a dirty look.  Yep, I’m THAT girl.

This year, with Simba, he will be dressed up and I bought a cute little Halloween apron that I will proudly wear while tossing candy(s) into the kids bags and buckets.  I am so excited to see what the popular costume is this year and I really hope that some get creative and I pray I don’t see the “Miley Cyrus” foam finger costume because I may not be able to control my annoyance. 

When little Koko Bean comes, he or she will get dressed up every year – and from the time they are old enough to do so – they will Trick or Treat.  I will take pictures and I will do everything in my power to make this a fun, exciting time for them – because other than being a little devil, I don’t remember much about my past and that seems sad to me.

 not so scary for me, but not yet true

Love

Nicole